LESS THAN ZERO is what I was told I was worth when 3 men assaulted me when I was a 14-year-old virgin. It was characterized by degradation as well as violence. An internalized self-loathing was planted within my soul. I buried it for years yet a "sneaking suspicion " that I was worthless pervaded every achievement: graduating magna cum laude, a solo exhibition at a major gallery, and recognition by peers Years later when a boyfriend introduced me to the swing scene this monogamous (and for 8 years previously, celibate) well brought up woman began exploring her sexuality with a healthy curiosity and a desire to liberate herself from the shame and repression of her upbringing. When the Gallery lost their lease, I made a strange choice. I decided, not to seek representation at another Gallery, but to become an which iI justified by saying this would allow me to spend time with my young but the truth was I was irresistibly drawn to a job which was obviously self-destructive. The Question is WHY? I posit that every single "femme de la nuit" is a damaged survivor of sexual trauma and research bears me out. Even those who project intelligence and an independent desire for freedom from pseudo morality, as I did, calling myself a ''proud unrepentant " doing an impressive job of fooling myself because at my core --escorting confirmed what I always ''believed in my soul'' that I was, good for nothing else. . 'I am nothing to nobody " it was such a relief to finally admit it. "i am just a collection of holes to be used so use me." The invitation grew louder, more strident, "use me use me use me !!!" i screamed to anyone who would listen. 
I did not understand for years why I was attracted to the most abusive and humiliating work:ACTUAL DEGRADATION AND HUMILIATION—which passed beyond kink and into mental illness. I was battling a deeply ingrained self-loathing ...the result of internalized messages my attackers told me about my worth. Everyone reading this profile witnessed the extremes I went to in order to punish myself for being victimized. I think it's fair to say that ANY WOMAN who behaves as I did is in the midst of some tragic self-esteem issues. . t I survived the "repetition compulsion", the desire to repeat behaviors as an adult that frightened you as a . i. Baumeister (1988) believed that masochism was a paradoxical technique for getting rid of one’s sense of self: Stripping away one’s identity in an effort to protect oneself from pain—much like substance use. this ego destruction is achieved by the use of degrading words that strip the per of their value, pride, and identity. Without a sense of self, they perceive themselves as an object. The cum dump An object has no ego, therefore, no pride sense of self, boundaries, An object is there to be used by anybody indiscriminately and an object can not be hurt. What we are talking about here is self-inflicted soul murder. , paradoxically used as a defense mechanism against more pain.the pain you control is better than the pain you cannot. Once a per's mind has been broken so that their ego is destroyed they are good for ''use''. this is not fun, healthy or sexy. it's pure self-hatred. It doesn't matter what I wrote about my desires, any sane per could see through that and know my actions were wrong and would be (at the very least) regretted by me and (at the worst) could have caused my death. It is a serious matter and I have been working through the after effects for the past two years. While I was responsible for following the dysfunctional directives my subconscious gave me.... it would have been much more difficult to re-enact this trauma upon myself if there were not men out there ready and willing to encourage me to further hurt and humiliate myself.

What types of sexual activities turn you on?:
I WAS HIGH ON SEX WHEN I ANSWERED, THESE 5 YEARS AGO

What factors are most important to you when looking for a sexual partner?:
LOVE

Have you ever had cybersex?:
Unsure/Prefer not to say

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