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Sex Queen   by The AdultFriendFinder Editors

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Co-owner of the sexy San Francisco toy boutiques, Good Vibrations, Carol Queen is busy these days preparing for San Francisco's first Center for Sex and Culture. Queen's books on sexuality -- Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture, The Leather Daddy and the Femme, Exhibitionism for the Shy -- have helped countless men and women understand their bodies and feel good about their desires.

What else has Carol Queen been up to? Well, her latest book of short stories is out, called 5 Minute Erotica. And you'll find the Queen herself in a flurry of sexy videos: in Joani Blank's movie "Orgasm! The Faces of Ecstasy," in Annie Sprinkle's newest, "Annie Sprinkle's Wonderful World of Orgasm" (out next month), and in her own video project: "G Marks the Spot: A Good Vibrations Guide to the G-Spot."

You may have seen Carol Queen's name in our article on "May is Masturbation Month," since she was the founder of that handsome tradition. And now, here she is to tell us about sex in the life of a Queen.

AdultFriendFinder: You've emerged as part of the forward guard of sexual openness in what is currently a sex-positive movement. At one point you were lesbian-identified and you moved into a more fluid bisexualism. Could you tell us a little about how your sexual journey has evolved from small town Oregon to pansexual San Francisco.

QUEEN: The first important thing was realizing how hard it would be to find women to be sexual with back when I lived in Eugene. It was the mid-70s, Eugene was a very political college town, and there were plenty of lesbians but scarcely any other bisexual women that I could find! I really came to the conclusion that to get a woman lover I would need to be like the other lesbians -- not bi. And sure enough, I found a hot, wonderful girlfriend subsequently. But I always remained erotically interested in men; I remember sneaking looks at our gay friends' porn, which I was really turned on by. Going to San Francisco in the mid-80s gave me the space to look for men who understood what a queer girl needed! This is the genesis of my erotic novel The Leather Daddy and the Femme -- my process of coming back into the erotic world of both men AND women. Though the book is fiction, it includes both the sexy sense of "forbidden love" I felt about especially gay men, and the sexual exploration that was really important to me when I got to SF and I felt that all my restrictions could be thrown off and I could just EXPERIENCE sex any way I wanted to.

AdultFriendFinder: Were you always sexually ahead of the times?

QUEEN: I think I always was, but I was NOT always able to be "out" about whatever I was interested in. My girlfriend and I experimented with BDSM back in the 70s, for example, but we were both terrified to let anyone else know (especially our lesbian friends) for fear of being judged. That experience actually had a great impact on me. I didn't like hiding who I was. It influenced my later style in both writing and living: talk about it! Be who you are! Because, as my partner Robert [Lawrence] notes, if you don't put out who you are, you don't attract the people who will want you just the way you are.

However, I have to say that I have never (in my opinion) been the FURTHEST ahead on any sexual trend or cutting edge. I have always been preceded by explorers and activists who got there first and who inspired me and provided me information, analysis, and courage, most notably Pat (now Patrick) Califia.

Similarly, I came a little late to the feminist porn community, and to the sex workers' rights cause. But there are relatively small numbers of people willing to publicly front for sexuality, especially radical or controversial sex. So even though I wasn't first, my experiences and writings could have a real impact, just as other people's truly pioneering work made space for me to think outside the box.

AdultFriendFinder: How did you go from being rather shy to being a sex demonstrator who appears in her own videos?

QUEEN: Well, I never liked being shy. I always desired confidence and comfort, especially sexually. If sex hadn't been important to me, I'm sure I would still BE shy. But as it turned out, liking sex gave me options to grow out of my shyness: it's hard to be really reticent when you're about to come. Whatever makes you shy isn't foremost in your mind then! And I learned from that and made myself take sometimes-scary steps because I thought there would be a benefit, and there always was. When I found out how much it turned me on to be watched (at sex parties, at the peep show, on camera), it TOTALLY accelerated the demise of the remainder of my shyness. (At my first sex party I was being watched while I masturbated. Instead of one orgasm I had eight! I knew right then that "exhibitionist" was a word that described ME.)

AdultFriendFinder: I've always wanted to ask you what kind of course work (and research?) is involved in becoming a doctor of Sexology. What was your PhD thesis on?

QUEEN: Essentially I rewrote Exhibitionism for the Shy in an academic
format! The dissertation looks at exhibitionistic women and includes
the full interview transcriptions of the women I talked to when I wrote Ex for Shy -- the first book of its kind, so I figured the material was also academically relevant. Most people take their PhD work and turn it into a book; I just did it the other way around.

Course work in sexology emphasizes sexual information, of course, but probably just as important is the ability to communicate comfortably about all kinds of sexuality, and that was the most profound part of the program for me when I went to the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. You can learn all you like, but if you can't get over old biases or help others talk with you in a matter-of-fact way, you really aren't part of the solution. Our culture has problems about sex because we're fascinated by it but can't just admit that fascination is natural and healthy.

AdultFriendFinder: What are some of the fun things about owning a sex toy store?

QUEEN: Besides the discount, you mean?

AdultFriendFinder: Oh, yeah.

QUEEN: I've worked at Good Vibrations since 1990 and really can't imagine a better job. Whether I'm on the sales floor talking to customers as I was when I started, or training the staff to talk more comfortably about sex, or working (as I do currently) as Staff Sexologist, talking to the public and the press, I love giving people access to more sexual pleasure. Bottom line, that's what we do, through selling products but also through providing information and a comfortable atmosphere. Toys are a great way to learn about yourself and your partners' sexual likes and abilities, and using them can make people feel more playful. That's just a fun thing to be part of!

AdultFriendFinder: I read in one interview where you talked about the fuck-o-rama. Pretty interesting -- 16 screens of rapid fire sexual imagery, the Clockwork Orange treatment. You said it was a turning point because it made you look at the implications of "sex positive" in a new way. It seems to be about broadening your sexuality.

How do people limit their sexuality? If they can't get to a fuck-o-rama, what small things can people do to open up their sexuality?

QUEEN: This culture is really mired down in the notion of "normal" sex, though the Internet may be slowly changing that. Spend a couple of hours following links, and there's your Fuck-o-Rama right there! When only a few sexual possibilities or acts are considered "normal," it leaves lots of people out, makes them feel (or worse, labels them) "abnormal," and cuts people off from lots of erotic possibilities. Many people don't even know WHAT turns them on, or what WOULD turn them on if they weren't afraid of considering it.

Something like the Fuck-o-rama opens minds. But you can also do this by watching lots of porn, reading erotica or even just sex info books, staying open to learning about more about sex. This is useful all by itself, but then ask yourself what you see that might be personally appealing. You might not want to try everything you see, but it can still play an important part in fantasy, which is such a crucial part of turn-on.

AdultFriendFinder: Should/can everyone expand in this way, or is this more for sexual adventurers?

QUEEN: Well, I think everyone should try to be open to sexual information and try not to stigmatize variety and difference. From there, it's an individual question: how much do you want to explore? The more you explore, the more you learn, so part of the question might even be, "How into sex are you?"

AdultFriendFinder: While we're on the subject, what if a person's partner isn't as sexually
liberal or positive as they are? Are there maybe some small things people can do to inspire their partners to expand sexually? (Wheedling is obviously out.)

QUEEN: Wheedling is out, nagging is out, demanding is out. Being encouraging, though, is in. Find the parts of your sex life that ARE good and give lots of reinforcement for those.

Too many people do not prioritize sex, and sexual compatibility, as a serious criterion for finding a partner. Then they get stuck with an incompatible one. So the very first step is, take these issues seriously BEFORE you get with someone!

But for many people it's too late for that. Still, try to open a reticent partner up gently. There are some tips for this in Exhibitionism for the Shy. One thing I really value is gently encouraging a partner to read, discuss, try on new ideas at least as fantasies. And communicate as openly as possible about the sex life you share.

Silence about sex is the norm for many couples, and it makes it much harder to try to get any movement at all out of a reluctant partner. Finally, take your partner's sexual information and experience level seriously. Sometimes people have had bad experiences they need to process and overcome; some are just quite ignorant or judgmental about sexual possibility. You can't drive a truck through that; you have to be your partners' ally or they won't change.

[Next time, Dr. Queen fields questions about sex toys...]

You can find out more about Carol Queen at www.carolqueen.com. And for the latest on her sex library project, visit www.centerforsexandculture.org.