Relationships may be more complicated than ever, but the eternal truth is, sex is–and should be–good. In order to help you get the most out of your sex life, you need advice from experts on both sides of the bed: Dr. Martin Downs, M.P.H., and Victoria Zdrok, Penthouse Pet and Ph.D.



Question:

My girlfriend and I don’t live near each other, so we use lots of cell minutes having mutual masturbation sessions. And when we do get together, we take turns watching each other get off. The thing is, I know she uses a vibrator; I can hear it over the phone. But when she masturbates in front of me, her little helper is nowhere to be found. I’ve asked her to let me see it, see her use it, or use it on her, but she’s reluctant. Should I be jealous of this battery-operated third wheel I’ve never met?



Dr. Z answers:

It’s amazing how many men are jealous of inanimate objects–as if a vibrator can replace a flesh-and-blood penis attached to the man she loves! Should she be jealous of the hand you use to get yourself off when she’s not around?

There are a few reasons she doesn’t show you her buzzing buddy–she may be embarrassed, or she may find it superfluous when you’re present, or she may be afraid you’ll want to use the toy as a shortcut instead of satisfying her with your mouth, hands, or penis. I once had an experience like that with a boyfriend who was a great lover until he discovered that I used a Hitachi Magic Wand in his absence. From then on, all he wanted to do was use that on my clit instead of working his magic with his tongue.

Unfortunately, toys often turn men into lazy lovers, which is one of the reasons why we women like to keep them only for autoerotic sessions. Stop bugging her about her toy and keep on delivering great man-made orgasms, and she will never need a buzzer when you’re around. And if you can’t get the idea of her getting off on toys out of your mind, then buy her one.



Dr. Downs answers:

Whether you realize it or not, you’re trying to take control of her vibrator because it threatens you. Many guys get anxious about vibrators, the way autoworkers in the 1970s worried about being replaced by robots, and railroad steel drivers in the 1870s worried about being replaced by the steam hammer.

True, millions of jobs have been lost to automation. And it’s also true that a vibrator can do things no man can. But vibrators haven’t yet made men obsolete, nor will they. A woman with a vibrator may not need a man to get off, but she still wants one. If the mainstreaming of sex toys has changed anything, it’s given more women higher expectations of their lovers. If your only sexual asset is a hard dick, then you’re the equivalent of an unskilled laborer–inefficient and basically expendable. But if you’re fun in bed and you’re lovable, then you have nothing to fear.

As for why she’s reluctant to introduce you to her battery operated boyfriend, it may be that you’re acting weird about it–a little too interested, a little too keen to get your hands on it.

What’s more, there is still some shame attached to vibrators. Electric vibrators date back to the Victorian era, when they were used by medical doctors to “treat” women diagnosed as “frigid” or “hysterical.” Even today, some people believe that if a woman needs a vibrator to come, there’s something physically wrong with her, and some still see vibrators as a recourse for the lonely and desperate. That’s all baloney, of course.

We sexperts generally encourage couples to use toys together. Vibrating gadgets for her, and for you, too, can add new dimensions to your lovemaking. Once you’ve sorted out your feelings about this, you could demonstrate a healthy interest in her pleasure by buying her a top-shelf vibrator.

Gone are the days when a vibrator was either a cheap plastic “adult novelty” or a clunky “personal massager.” You can now shop any number of online retailers, and some brick-and-mortar sex shops, for the new breed of luxe vibrators, which are as chicly designed as the iPhone and specially engineered for orgasms.

While you’re at it, treat yourself to the latest male masturbation technology from Japan–the Tenga Flip Hole. Male masturbation devices have never been more than curiosities. But mark my words, if Tenga catches on, it’s going to be women’s turn to worry.