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Porn*s Big Night Out   by Colonel Lingus

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The adult industry salutes itself in Sin City

By the time the adult video industry's movers and shakers gathered at Las Vegas' Mandalay Bay on Jan. 13 for their biggest night of the year, they had endured four days of schmoozing, posing and partying.

And while this is probably not much different from, say, a plumbers convention in the land of boobs 'n' buffets, you can be sure the porn people do it on an entirely different scale. Well, okay, maybe not different from the plumbers ‒ those guys are fuckin' animals.

There's no doubt that the Adult Video News Awards show is like no other awards show on earth. First of all, there's the red carpet ‒ even though many members of the press were denied photo access (my new friend Alan Hawkes from XFanz, who had just thrown the big Players Ball party at Empire Ballroom the night before, got denied and was definitely not impressed by the AVN media coordination, or lack thereof), it was easy enough to get close to some big stars like Kaylani Lei, because she had to trudge through Mandalay Bay with the mere mortals to get to the red carpet in the first place.

Once inside, the average attendee, like yours truly, was capable of any number of celebrity encounters (more in my blog! Colonel_Lingus). These were only made more available as it took forever for the show to start, and stars could be seen clearly under the bright house lights.

When the lights finally dimmed to the sound of thudding, fist-pumping metal, the audience was bombarded by a barrage of visuals provided by the many huge monitors, displaying the year's biggest porn productions. It was LOUD, and I'm not exactly comparing it to Lawrence Welk at the Hollywood Palladium; more by way of comparison to, I don't know, maybe a jet airplane crashing into Godzilla's mouth.

Comedian Jim Norton warmed the crowd up as best he could, though he admitted it was a tough room. He threw in enough industry references to keep it relevant, and he was pretty damn funny. For the first time I noticed how much the guy is like a new version of Rodney Dangerfield, with the facial mugging and self-deprecation.

The night's presenters were a who's who of porn, as well as the b-level celebrities who love it. There was Gene Simmons of KISS, looking like his way-too-black-for-his-age hair was shellacked on, and getting his grubby old mitts all over porn goddess Tera Patrick. Simmons was given a special "Golden Tongue" award, and didn't even bother to fake enthusiasm as he said "Wow, this is completely unexpected." Yeah, about as unexpected as the next inevitable KISS "reunion."

And of course, the Hedgehog himself, Sir Ron Jeremy, was on hand for some good, old-fashioned porn schtick. Even the man himself had to do a double-take over the title of the winner of Best International Themed Video ‒ Latin: "Mami Culo Grande 3!" He repeated it over and over, chuckling the whole time.

Clearly, though, the largest presence on stage (even counting Lexington Steele, yuck yuck) was a towering icon, even from his wheelchair ‒ Larry Flynt. Flynt, ironic given his irreverent status, brought a sober, sentimental note to the night's festivities by paying tribute to "the unspoken heroes of this industry," the attorneys who fight to preserve First Amendment rights for adult content.

In an emotional speech, Flynt reminded the crowd that their livelihoods (yes, the event was open to the public, but it's still primarily an industry affair) have been made possible by the sweat and toil of these tireless crusaders, who he pointed out could be making much more money in other, more lucrative, less risky sectors.

You'd think that such a display might be a buzzkill in the context of such entertaining acceptance speeches (see Colonel Lingus), but the man got his proper due, a rousing standing ovation worthy of the closest thing to a martyr the porn industry is entitled to.

I have no idea if odds for the winners were posted (they say you can bet on ANYTHING in Vegas), but if I'd have placed a bet on the girls I talked to at the Expo held previously at the Venetian, it would have paid off dearly for Pornsterdamus. Let's just run down the list here …

My girl Hillary Scott ‒ She's cute as hell, and she's got blonde ambition! This year she took home the Holy Grail for porn chix, Female Performer of the Year. But don't think that was good enough for this fun-lovin', female orgasmin' fox; she also took home the prestigious Best Actress in a Video award for her star-making performance in the award-winning Corruption. Not bad for a stoned slacker, eh? The ol' Colonel might just have finally found love …

The lovely and talented Katsumi ‒ She may have thought I was being creepy when I insisted she sit with me on the love seat behind the scenes at Digital Playground's expo booth, but if so she hid it well. This French-born romantic nabbed three awards: Best Group Scene, Female Foreign Performer of the Year, and the coup de grace, Best Supporting Actress in a Video (quite an accomplishment considering the girl's accent falls somewhere between Catherine Deneuve and Inspector Clouseau).

Sophisticated, sexy Sophia Santi ™ ‒ Digital Playground's brunette bombshell won for Best All-Girl Sex Scene in a Video. She may not be a multiple AVN winner this year, but don't cry for her, Argentina, because she's winning in the game of life. Even in an auditorium of hot girls, Sophia stands out. I'm telling you, my tongue almost fell out talking to her. While chatting in DP's VIP section, she complained that her dress at the awards show would have to be tailored to fit her amazing, almost superhuman ass. I tried to get a picture that would do that top-notch tush some justice, but evidently its magnificence couldn't be captured by my feeble Canon SureShot. Oh well, I'll always have the image of her perfect posterior burned into my memory, far past the time when I'll actually be able to DO anything with it, as my semen will have turned to dust.

You'll be hearing more about the adventures of Colonel_Lingus in Pornland, and he's promised to take us around to other sexy hot spots later on.