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Tera Patrick is Desperate   by CJ Watson

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C.J Watson is a twenty-something college co-ed from the Southeastern United States. A self-proclaimed spoiled Ebony princess, C.J has been writing professionally for thirteen years and has aspirations of someday becoming a New York City columnist. She loves fashion, dogs and strawberries and hates thin dicks.

Tera Patrick
Vivid Entertainment

Visual: 5/5
Audio: 5/5
Quality of Scenes: 2.5/5
Acting: 2/5 (Hey if they're gonna try it, I'm gonna rate it.)

Pluses and Minuses:

As a natural born Gloomy Gus, I think it's only fair that I begin with what really stinks about this one hour forty-one minute fling featuring brunette beauty Tera Patrick. I'm well prepared to take some flack for pointing out the flaws in this film since Tera is one of the most popular women in porn. Luckily, I'm too far away for any of you to strangle (sticks out tongue).

For starters, there's a storyline. I'm not going to go into full bitch mode about why storylines and naked pornstars don't mix, so I suggest you check out my "Ode To Bad Porn" conveniently located in the Sexpert Archives. At any rate, Desperate showcases tattoo riddled Spyder Jones (Tera's real life beau) and Tommy Gunn as stickup kids/pimps who use Shy Luv and new porn starlet, Syvette Wimberly to rob guys with their pants down. Mary (Tera) is the shy good girl who falls in love with Spyder (insert deep sigh). Ah, porn love stories, gotta love 'em. Thanks to this storyline we have to deal with a conversation between Spyder and Tommy about Rocky and Apollo Creed. Isn't it bad enough that we had to be tortured through like fifty Rocky films, must we hear about it in our porn?

The second problem with this feature can be summed up something like this, "Dude where's all the Black people?" Note to porn producers: If you are going to try and turn what we all know is smut into "a thriller" at least make it realistic. The general public won't run in horror if you cast something other than girls with really long hair and boobs by Dr. Hollywood. However, Ms. Patrick herself is half-Asian so I won't hold the lack of luscious Latinas and sizzlin' sistas against Desperate. But, they're still missed.

Ok, on to what's good. The girls look gorgeous, with the exception of one, but I'm no meanie so there will be no dropping of names (cough: Monique Alexander: cough). The plot, no matter how out of place it is in an adult film, is actually believable. Guys use women to jack other guys all the time -- remember that the next time you try to buy some two-dollar tail. Nonetheless, most of the scenes are unremarkable at best. By the second scene I found myself thinking, "When's this gonna be over?" And the half-way mark was met with excitement. I was excited to see a porno coming to an end...not a good thing.

The Naked Truth:
Scene 1:
The opening features petite brunette Shy Luv and newcomer Syvette Wimberly as the bait hookers in a regular screw scene with the two Trents (Tesoro, Soluri). Trent T's rough tactics and Shy Luv's vocal theatrics make the otherwise straight-arrow scene hot. Shy's got really bouncy, pouty tits and you can tell by the screams that she enjoys her "work." With an ass like that it's no wonder that she enjoys opening her back door.

Syvette enjoys taking the cock every which way but loose and also takes a big wad of T.S's load. She was a bit overshadowed by Shy Luv, but considering that she's relatively new to banging on camera, she held her own.

Scene 2: Tera follows Spyder home from the Internet cafe where they met and he basically tells her to hit the road. This is one of the problems with storylines. What man with a penis and two connected brain cells wouldn't be into a chick that beautiful? Anyhow, she follows him around like a puppy dog until he finally lets her hang out. Hanging out consist of being tied with ropes to the pipes in Spyder's boiler room.

Tera stands blind-folded in her black bra and panties as Spyder spanks her with a red and black whip. Tera eats it up like candy gently moaning, "Smack my ass." It's even more apparent that Tera likes it rough when she squeals in delight at Spyder pinching her nipples.

Spyder magically presents a purple dildo, to which Tera gives a sloppy BJ before it heads into her cunt. It's Spyder's dick that takes Tera over the edge. Taking Spyder from behind while still restrained, she moans breathlessly that she "Loves it when you can't move." Finally Tera takes a load of Spyder on her pretty face. All and all a decent scene from the happy married couple.

Scene 3: Monique Alexander is Tera's caring roommate. Let's just say they share more than a kitchen and a bathroom. Tera wanders into Monique's room and instantly starts vigorously sucking Monique's dick. She orders the blonde to "Smack my ass," Monique gleefully complies. The pair then go to work, Tera riding Monique reverse cowgirl and telling her to "Bury it in me."

Frequent fans of girl/girl aren't going to be that impressed with this scene. Frequent fans of Tera will appreciate how into it she seems, given her history of passive presence during lesbian scenes. This scene is one small leap for porn fans, one large leap for fans of Tera. (Sorry, I always wanted to say that.)

Scene 4: Tommy Gunn is doing a job interview, literally. Blonde pottymouth Brooke Haven wants to join the gang, but just like with the Bloods or Crips she must prove her worth. Brooke doesn't think Tommy can handle it. "Stick your finger in my pussy...Spit on my pussy," she barks. Brooke's a gem at deep-throat and wants Tommy to "Show her pussy who's boss." We manage to see an explosive orgasm on Tommy's schlong. Had it not been for the final scene, Brooke would have upstaged Tera on her own show.

Scene 5: The grand finale features the only threesome of the film, which is a shame because there's some serious potential for a good orgy here. Shy Luv is taking Spyder in the mouth while being tied up and in walks Tera to join the fun. The hottest part of this scene features Spyder fucking Tera with his cock while at the same time fucking Shy with a pink dildo. The girls are into each other as there is lots of energetic muff-diving. A fun end to an otherwise average movie.

C.J Says: At the end of the day, this movie spent far too much time developing the story (which wasn't a very good one to start with). That's fine if we're talking about Seabiscuit but a Golden Globe winner this film is not. The action was a bit...well boring. Tera's a doll and gorgeous to boot, but even she can't pretty up a rather Plain Jane porno. If you're already a Tera fan you'll enjoy this venture, because Tera's naked and if you love her nakedness is all that matters. If you're not already familiar with her work (much of which trumps this) than you're likely to walk away feeling a bit disappointed.