For the past several weeks, Sara has been recovering from a major illness and hasn’t had the strength or been in the mood to go out or have sex. Recently, Steve met a woman at a local social event and she hit on him. While he flirted a little, he told her he was married, and they went their separate ways. Later that night, Steve relayed the story to Sara. Sara encouraged him, saying, “You could have told her we’re open and you could have gotten her number.” A week later, Steve told Sara that the woman contacted him, and, again, Sara encouraged him to set up a date. A few days after she gave him the green light, Sara discovered that it was Steve who tracked down the woman, a fact that contradicted what he told her. She confronted him and he denied that he was the one who made the first move. When she pressed him again, he finally came clean and admitted the truth. He said, “I didn't tell you because I thought you might have felt uncomfortable.” What upset Sara most is not that Steve contacted the woman first, but that Steve lied to her.
I believe that Steve’s intentions were not malicious–he says he was trying to protect her feelings, and he probably was. But, by putting the initiation of a potential new relationship onto the other woman and off of himself, he was also doing something else: denying his desire. His belief that if he admitted he set things in motion, it would hurt Sarah’s feelings may or may not be valid; however, his own discomfort and his assumptions are no excuse for dishonesty. What Steve needs to do is step up to the plate and admit his part in all of this. It’s too easy for him to deflect everything onto this other woman.
For open relationships to work, there must be open communication and people need to take responsibility for their desires and their behavior. Steve knew this intellectually, but was acting emotionally.
What also surprised me is how little negotiation happened after Steve admitted to a night of flirting. Sara simply said, “Go for it!” without thinking it through. I suspect that since she hasn’t been feeling well, she gave the thumbs up out of guilt or to put his needs ahead of hers; she admitted later that she wanted to give him “a break from playing nurse to me.” While we all want to make sure our partners are happy and satisfied, it’s also okay to be sick and need someone. Sara must examine what her true feelings are, give herself permission to be jealous or uncomfortable with the new situation, and come to terms with what she needs and wants.If, after checking her own intentions, Sara still decided it was okay, there needs to be further negotiation. In this instance, Steve having a fling (ongoing or otherwise) would be an entirely new dynamic to their open relationship. Until now, the only hooking up that Steve and Sara did separately was when one of them was out of town. This woman lives in their area, which means she does not currently fit into their model of what’s acceptable. I’m not saying that because this new thing doesn’t fit, it should not be considered. But it needs to be considered a lot more carefully than it has been, because it would be a major change. With new terms come new rules, and their existing agreements about what’s okay and what’s not may need to be re-thought.
As they discussed the issue more, Sara realized that she wanted–actually, she needed–to meet the woman before Steve moved forward with a date. Sara wanted to put a human face to this mythical person and put any fears to rest that she might have dishonorable, evil, man-stealing home-wrecking intentions. (She admits she has an active imagination based on her anxieties!) I support people who want to meet their partners’ partners, especially if this side fling of Steve’s will be ongoing. I trust that my partner will select someone who will respect our relationship as primary and priority number one. However, sometimes lust gets in the way of someone’s better judgment. I always trust my instincts when I meet a new person, and if I smell drama, distrust, or bad boundaries, I let my partner know. Sara should have the opportunity to do the same.
When and if the new woman becomes a part of Steve’s life (and, by extension, a part of Sara’s), Steve and Sara need to continue to check in with one another about their feelings. They need to recognize that this is new territory for their relationship, and there will probably be some bumps in the road.
The important thing is not to repeat some of the all too common mistakes that they made right off the bat. Don’t sugar coat or distort the truth in order to make someone feel better. Don’t assume you know how your partner will react to something before you give them a chance to do so. Don’t say yes to something without meaning it. Do assert your needs in the situation. Do respect each other and the rules you’ve set up. Do be honest with yourself and your partner about your feelings and your actions.
