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My Magazine > Editors Archive > Sexpert > From his Ass to his Dildo
From his Ass to his Dildo   by M. Christian

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A Writer, editor, and sex educator A teacher and lecturer on everything from advanced sex practices to writing great filthy stories, M. Christian will visit AdultFriendFinder bi-weekly to offer some down-to-earth advice on all touchy (or feely) issues. In addition to having edited over 20 erotic anthologies, including the Best S/M Erotica series, M. Christian is the author of at least 200 published short stories in books like Best American Erotica, Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Gay Erotica, Best Bondage Erotica (and hoards of other bests). In his bi-weekly advice column, M Christian answers questions from several of our sites, so you can see what's going on in other worlds. If you want to toss a question into the ring for M. Christian to address, or if you'd like to offer feedback, email him at his AdultFriendFinder handle (you'll never guess): MChristian.

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From AdultFriendFinder
Q: OK, Mr. Smartypants, since you know so much. I'm interested in exploring anal, or more specifically, my anal. So I bought this dildo to play with, but I can't keep the dam thing in and masturbate at the same time. I'd prefer to get my bearings on this before I bring in a partner. What am I doing wrong?
mebillygoat

A: Haha! Mebillygoat, challenge accepted. The two words to remember with anal play are "flange" and "lube." Ready?

Flange first. Most vibrators and dildos are designed for vaginas, so they are smooth and relatively bullet-shaped. Problem is, when inserted in the anus, the muscles there are designed to push stuff out, and so they squeeze and out the vibrator goes or, in some frightening cases, they push the object farther in ‒ and getting them out can be a real bitch (the trick, btw, is not to panic -- just let nature take its course and eventually the body will push it out).

Now, toys to be used in the butt are usually much smoother (so as not to tear the delicate anal tissues), stubbier, and with ‒ ta da! ‒ a part at the bottom, much wider than the anus, so it never gets pulled in. It’s called a flange.

Always use the right toy for the right job. Sure, you can use a regular vibrator or dildo for anal play but because they aren’t built for what you want to use them for, there’s a chance it could either be uncomfortable or even cause pain or injury. Play safe! And if you're doing everything right, and the toy still won't stay in: sit on it.

The other word, of course, is lube. Use lots of it. In fact, if you think you have too much that usually means you don’t have enough. As for what kind of lube to use, there's no one ideal answer, but a lot of things to consider. Vaginal lubricants are usually water based, as that’s close to what is naturally manufactured or otherwise appreciated by the body for slipping or sliding. And they're great for the vagina, which is less able to expel heavier lubes -- oil for example. The anus, however, is designed to remove water from whatever is passing through it, so water-based lubes will tend to be sucked dry a lot faster than, say an oil based lube (dry is very not fun for anal play). Thicker water based lubes (Maximus, for example) may get you the desired combination. Many long-time anal enthusiasts feel that the best lube for anal play is an oil-based lube, preferably something without any added flavors or chemicals as they can be absorbed into the body. For years they've sworn by baby oil or have determined that Crisco is wonderful, end of story. And the story would have a happy ending so long as penetration is achieved with a bare penis or hand. The bad news is that oil-based lubes wreak havoc with latex, usually causing it to break down -- that means latex condoms are out, and possibly your nice, big anal dildo as well. But there's a new lube on the block since the old Crisco days that may be the best of both worlds. Silicone lube. It's similar to a water-based lube, but not water soluble, and it can stand up to a lot more rubbing of parts, so it lasts a good bit longer. Saves you from stopping in mid-drive to re-lube the tool. And silicone will also leave your condoms in tact. The down side is, it's hard to clean off. And, well, it's more expensive, sometimes as much as a third more in cost, than water-based products. So put all this together and see what works for you.

Remember that anal tissues are very delicate and can tear very easily. So be gentle and slow when giving attention to your ass. No rushing, no forcing ‒ take your time and don’t try for getting anything in all the way until you feel no discomfort at all. If you do have a bit of blood don’t worry, it’ll heal up rather quickly. A lot of blood, though, and get yourself to an emergency room ‒ embarrassing, sure, but better than having it develop into something serious.

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From ALT.com:

Q: Do women like to watch men blow each other, or are there any women who love to make men suck each other.
619cdds

A: If there’s one thing I’ve learned answering people’s questions about sex, talking to people about sex, writing about sex, and (when I can) actually HAVING sex is that there can be a fetish or sexual interest in ANYTHING. Or, to quote J. B. S. Haldane: "The universe is not only queerer than we imagine, but queerer than we CAN imagine."

But in your case this isn’t all that odd. A lot of women find the thought ‒ and act ‒ of watching two men together a great turn-on. It’s kind of the same thing that men find attractive about two women together: one is great so two is better. That and what I guess you could call multiplication. Two breasts are great, four is fantastic, but two breasts slipping and sliding over two OTHER breasts … you see what I mean?

With two men, it’s the same. One cock is fun, two cocks are LOTS of fun, but two cocks playing together ‒ fun x fun x fun. There's also a group of women lovingly self-titled fag hags. For many "fag hags" the idea of two men getting it on is about a different kind of male sensuality. There's often an element of the man as "sex object" that comes into play when a man is sucking another man, and for some women, that is refreshing.

But for sure, not all women like this kind of thing, just as not all men like seeing two women together. Some women find it objectionable, and these women are often quite vocal (just as men who object to it are quite loud in their objection). Therefore, if you ask a room full of women whether or not they like to see men blowing each other, you may not get a true reading. In public, anyway, many men who enjoy doing it and women who enjoy watching it remain a kind of underground population. In the end, to each his own.

Now as far as "making" two guys play the skin flute (don’t you just love that expression?). It depends by what you mean by "making." Sure you can do a little power play ("Get down on your knees and suck him like the slut you are"). Of course you've agreed among yourselves that everyone is a willing participant. This kind of play can be fun for all three. But the rules of the S/M road still apply: if you put a partner down in a scene be sure and bring them back up afterward. Give your men a safe way out of the situation should they change their minds, feel uncomfortable, or become scared. Especially if this is their first try at same-sex intimacy, they may need to know they can end the play at any time without repercussions.

In short, no one is ever alone in this big, wide, kinky world. No matter your fetish or simple inclination, there’s someone out there with the same. The trick is to keep looking and, as always, play safe and smart.