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My Magazine > Editors Archive > Sexpert > Why Men Love Bitches (Or Do They?)
Why Men Love Bitches (Or Do They?)   by Maris Lemieux

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OK, I couldn't resist this title because of a recent Advice Lines thread on a guy asking, Why do women love bad guys? I was still in disbelief over all the reasons Advice Liners gave for why women found the "bad guy" exciting (gee, I don't find bad guys exciting), when lo and behold the book called "Why Men Love Bitches" shows up in my inbox. So now men like the bad guys too? It seems to be pandemic. If women only like bad guys and men only like bitches, then everyone, male or female, likes a little abuse with their sex. Argov's book title made it sound as if the only good relationship is a cat-and-mouse one. The love ends when the hunt does. Then I started to think that maybe all this, "nice people finish last" stuff is just what we all say after we've had a big rejection. Don't we all consider ourselves the "nice guy" or "nice girl"? (By the way, Argov doesn't approve of "nice girls"). Does Argov's book sort any of this out? Not really.



First of all, you can smell the marketing rat in the title. Ms. Argov takes huge, massive liberties with the word "bitch." In fact, half the time her examples of bitches in action are creatures 180 degrees out from what most of us would call a "bitch." "Have an appetite for life" (113). That's bitchy? "If a man gives you something, show him the respect he deserves by thanking him for the kindness" (187). That's being a bitch? Argov tells women not to complain, never to make a scene, and not to blab on and on about personal issues the first few dates -- everyman's dream. But in all fairness, her advice in the "don't nag" chapter is kind of a take on "don't get mad, get even."

In Why Men Love Bitches, Argov disguises the very old "ladies, act helpless" advice as, "When you act too much like Tarzan, he feels too much like Jane. Don’t even kill a bug when he's around. Don't change a tire. In fact, don't even change a light bulb. (Heaven forbid, sister.)" (78). And doesn't this sound familiar (stroke, stroke): "Men need a little coaching and the way to coach them is to praise them when they behave well. A man's favorite word? 'Best.' It doesn't matter if you say, 'Honey, you eat those beer nuts the best...' Use the word 'best' and you'll always have his full attention" (79).

Well if this doesn't sound like Ladies' Home Journal conniving, (the old "ten ways to keep your husband from straying"), I don't know what does. I might go so far as to say that Argov's advice is as conniving as that most die-hard of pretenses, "fake your orgasm": "Men love to feel that they are 'in charge,'" Argov tells us, "and that their opinion really counts. (At the very least, pretend)" (190). Yes, Argov's ideal woman often sounds like a consummate actress and plotter, but I'm not sure faking and scheming actually makes someone a "bitch." Maybe pretending to speak for the "bitch" is Argov's device for getting away with talking like one herself. Though she often says speak to your man in his own language, be financially independent, and other things men would love to tell their women, she doesn't always say it in the nicest fashion. At one point she compares men to parrots in training (139). Elsewhere, to children and pets. Or worse: "Sometimes as a lover you will have to set forth terms that are also in the best interest of the 'diapered one.' Why? He is a man. And there will forever be a three-year-old trapped inside him." Shew! -- now that's cold.

But just when I pictured Argov sharpening her bitch claws, I was told to give her a break by none other than a male friend. He came across the book when another friend suggested he read it. She claimed that my male friend got into relationships and acted "from his feminine side." And since that was the case, he needed to act more like Argov's "bitch."

I wondered how he'd gotten past all the not very flattering comments about men, but since he'd gone into the book reading the "man" in this advice book as his nasty ex-girlfriend, all the nasty epithets went to her (as was fitting). In other words, he didn't take it personally. So in this way, I guess it's possible for the book to speak to anyone who's ever felt seriously wounded or badly dogged in a relationship. Perhaps guys who think women only like the bad guys just need to be more of an Argovian "bitch" in their relationships.

And here's really the basis for the Argovian bitch. When you fall in love, don't rearrange your life or your personality for the new lover. Don't give up your golf or tennis mornings, don't give up your sleep, and don't even give up your lazy down-time. And when you have a problem, don't propose to sit down and "process" everything by talking. Based on her interviews, Argov contends that men tune out everything after the first two sentences (now my friend is a talker, so he simply reverses the tables on this advice, too). Argov's solution comes from the maxim "actions speak louder than words," in chapters like "Dumb Like a Fox" and "Nagging no More" (yes, she really does have a chapter on how not to become a nag -- maybe guys will find this a good birthday gift for their lovers after all). The book is full of suggestions, little stories about how women got their men to notice by taking the right actions. And no, the actions aren't your usual Good Housekeeping tips, like jump into your Frederick's of Hollywood nightie, pronto. But a lot of the prescriptions were really contrived or conniving, like, you should only see him 2/3 of the times he wants to see you (108). Yes we're all going to sit down with our yes/no columns and our division tables when he asks us out on a date. Argov seems to be a true believer in "absense makes the heart grow fonder." In fact, most of the actions she tells women to take have something to do with being absent -- except in the case of the empty toilet paper roll... ewe!

Which brings us to one final point about Why Men Love Bitches. For all its faults, this book can be VERY funny. Male or female, you can't help but love the part where Argov classifies the different types of naggers: The Marathon Nagger, The Sprint Nagger, The Momentum Whiner, The Sunrise Whiner, The Nightcap Nagger, The Bushwhacker, The Sniper (135). That bit, and the whole chapter on nagging, in fact, is Argov's high point.

So, take it lightly, and Sherry Argov's book might be fun, with occasional insights on carrying on with the opposite sex, whichever sex you decide to identify with as you read it.