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My Magazine > Editors Archive > Sexpert > Fantasies Galore
Fantasies Galore   by M. Christian

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A Writer, editor, and sex educator A teacher and lecturer on everything from advanced sex practices to writing great filthy stories, M. Christian will visit AdultFriendFinder bi-weekly to offer some down-to-earth advice on all touchy (or feely) issues. In addition to having edited over 20 erotic anthologies, including the Best S/M Erotica series, M. Christian is the author of at least 200 published short stories in books like Best American Erotica, Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Gay Erotica, Best Bondage Erotica (and hoards of other bests). If you want to toss a question into the ring for M. Christian to address, or if you'd like to offer feedback, email him at his AdultFriendFinder handle (you'll never guess): MChristian.

This week, M. Christian takes his own playful look at the member Advice Lines, offering creative solutions in the process. And in the second half of his column he leaks a sneak peak at the kinky, steamy action on our sister site, ALT.com.

AdultFriendFinder:

Q: The fact that my ultimate fantasy has to do with me being orally pleased by a complete stranger while I am "asleep" is not unique. BUT...acting on it... THAT'S the question. Of course I know the risks involved, but that's what makes it so attractive and stimulating to me. How many of you made a risky fantasy reality? Please share your experiences. [You can find all the juicy member experiences in the Advice Lines].


A: M. Christian: Ah, there’s the rub -- or the lick in your case. When is it a good idea, or a really bad idea, to bring a fantasy to life? It’s a toughie. Some can be done pretty easily and safely -- like taking nasty photos or videos (just be careful where you leave them out), playing with chocolate (sticky but fun), fooling around with sex toys, or even public sex or voyeurism if you take precautions and keep your head screwed on straight. But others, well, going from fiction to fact could be all action and no fun. For instance I had a pal who liked to jerk off to the idea of being wrapped in barbed wire and dragged behind a truck. There’s one to leave as a fantasy, eh?

Not that being eaten asleep is way out there, but adding the stranger could pose a problem. One way to approach it would be to make only some of it real, leave the stranger out and do a bit of role-playing with a partner, for instance. Like, one night -- you won’t know when -- your partner will do the sneaking and the licking, pretending to be a stranger. Or you might have your partner or trusted friend enlist a "stranger" -- throw a small party at your house to make the location safe. You can fall asleep in a closed off room and the designated "stranger" can find you and eat you there. Another thought is that a blindfold can turn familiar friends into strangers, especially if they remain silent. If you have willing partners or friends, they can narrate: "Hey, Mr., come in here and look what's waiting for you." An adult or swinger's play party may be willing to help you work it out with the hosts in advance, maybe have people draw lots for the chance to eat you out (be sure to have your female condoms handy). There are certainly safe possibilities for realizing your fantasy, but most seem to involve trusted third parties and lots of careful planning.

In the end, you might still decide that some fantasies are just better staying fantasies. Apart from obvious safety issues, bringing a fantasy to life can ruin it. Three-ways, for example, can be a lot of fun or really icky depending on the people involved or just dumb luck. A bad experience only lets bad reality sour a fun fantasy and -- damn -- there goes masturbation fodder for the future. Think about it.


From the Advice Line of ALT.com:

Q: How can any man or woman stand to be humiliated or dominated like I’ve seen in some of these stories, i just don't get it. But, at the same time , i am also turned on by reading this, such as the wife fucking another man and making her hubby watch as she tells her lover how big his cock is and how little her hubby's is. how can this be?

From evilslave73

A: M. CHRISTIAN: What do you mean you don’t get how people can get turned on by being humiliated, WORM?! What kind of a DUMB SLUT are you? Okay, I’m sorry --that was way too easy but I couldn’t resist.

Like yourself, a lot of people can’t get their heads around why humiliation or domination can be arousing. "After all," their brains go, "how can being told you’re bad be so good?" But it makes more sense if you don't think of humiliation -- or dominance play -- as a way to feel bad. Rather, it’s a way of relinquishing control, or being used as a sexual plaything by someone dominant -- if just for a little while. Think of it this way, for the length of a scene, or some play time, you don’t have to make decisions or think about anything other than pleasing your partner … whew, what a relief!

Now the situation you’re describing -- the husband with the diminutive dick -- is a bit different. For some people, and you may or may not fall into this camp, the notion of being humiliated by a lover can be a turn-on for a lot of reasons: maybe it’s a way of being sexual through someone else -- the lover’s excitement becoming your own; or perhaps it’s that despite the apparent put-downs, the lover is still yours when the scene is over; or even that humiliation itself has somehow become arousing -- sex can get very Pavlovian. If at one point during your life you happen to get turned on while simultaneously being put down (like being spanked over a lady's knee while her voluptuous, heaving breasts happen to be staring you in the face) that can often create a connection between the two. So woody gets tied together spanking, harsh words, or having your partner enjoy another lover.

To answer your question, I actually had a buddy who was all into cuckolding, the term for having your wife play with other men but carrying the added sense of being cheated on. My pal really enjoyed this, especially having his wife put him down about it, but only when she called him certain things. In his case he liked being called a “pussy,” or a “pansy” about it, but not anything else. Once he understood what words worked for him, and his wife was okay with it as well, they had a grand old time. We’re all wired differently. It’s what makes this all so fun and fascinating.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying being dominated or humiliated in a sexual setting -- if it turns you on and doesn’t hurt you or someone else, go for it! It’s okay for the bedroom but if you feel bad about it or you’re feeling judged or shamed or diminished by it -- either in the bedroom or in the rest of your life -- then you should talk it over with your partner or even a therapist. It’s okay to be humiliated in play, but not in life.

One of my favorite things about the formal S/M scene is that when you play dominant, you respect and take care of your submissive. Call them whatever you want ‒ as long as they are comfortable with it -- and always return them at the end of the scene feeling good about themselves. If what you’re doing doesn’t achieve that then it might be time to be aggressive or dominant about your situation.

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Email your questions or comments to the handle: MChristian