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Ultimate Sex Tipper   by Editors with Violet Blue

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You may start seeing Violet Blue everywhere. She's in October's O Magazine. She'll be on Playboy TV's Sexcetera in January. She's been interviewed in countless magazines, and when you seek out sex tips at your local book store, you'll find she has her own collection in the Sex and Health section: The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio, Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus, The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos (see the review in our archives), and hot off the presses, The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy (look for the review, coming up in our "Sex in the News" column.) To get a break from researching and writing, the sexy Blue goes into a phone booth and comes out: Battlebot Girl, where she helps run huge robotic macro war games as a member of the team at SRI (Survival Research Laboratories) -- actually even as Battlebot girl, Violet blue is sexy (check back for photos).

AdultFriendFinder: You've written Ultimate Guides for both fellatio and cunnilingus. What would you say is the most common misunderstanding (or ignorance) about each of these wonderful activities?

BLUE: Overall, I'd say the most common misunderstanding about oral sex in general is that people tend to think of oral sex as a power-exchange sex act. What I mean is that some women and men form negative impressions about oral sex based on the perceptions in our culture, a great example is the notion that when a woman gives a man a blowjob, he is taking something from her, and she's the receptive, powerless or passive one in the equation. Now if that's the dynamic that makes you hot and bothered, then great, play it up! But if this bothers you, then it doesn't have to be that way at all -- oral sex is what we make it in any given scenario, or experience. She can just as easily flip the power dynamic, and be the one taking her oral satisfaction from him.

AdultFriendFinder: If you could give just one overriding tip for success in cunnilingus, what would it be?

BLUE: Start on the side of the clitoris, and start light and slow. Don't believe any advice-givers that tell you to keep changing your strokes and techniques -- us girls hate it when you do that "just right" stroke, then change your tune. Find a rhythm doing something we like and stick with it until we come! Okay, that's more than one tip...!

AdultFriendFinder: If you could give just one overriding tip for success in fellatio, what
would it be?

BLUE: Use your hands liberally to stroke him, and as an extension of your mouth -- and don't forget the balls. Fellatio isn't only about the dick, it's the whole delicious package.

AdultFriendFinder: Men and women may approach sex differently -- or not -- the jury seems to be out. If you had to hazard a guess, what one difference between men and women most contributes to the failure of partners to have good sex?

BLUE: That's a tough one, because men and women approach sex in a spectrum of ways, and there are many cultural factors. We're different, sure. But we're the same in that we're taught that sex is shameful and we're not taught anything about sex except making babies (if we learn that at all!). Our utter lack of cultural openness and lack of real, practical sex education levels the playing field to make sex into a constant trial-and-error guessing game. But to generalize in a way I typically try not to, I'd opine that there is much pressure on men in our culture to know everything in bed, take the lead, and to know what to do -- when in fact, everyone is equally in the dark when it comes to sex. Men need more permission in our culture to ask questions, and *not* have to know all the answers. On the flipside, women are culturally groomed to think that their pussies are dirty, smelly and gross -- and that translates to many women not being able to relax during sex, or wanting to explore their sexuality. When you feel bad about your pussy, that orgasm is just not going to happen.

AdultFriendFinder: What other factors do you feel might contribute to why sex between partners may be less than sensational -- even if the partners are really in love?

BLUE: Time management, and falling into a sexless routine out of stress and necessity, such as job issues, child-raising and health problems. Lack of trust. Fear of competition. Fear of experimentation and change. Our sex lives have to keep changing and evolving, or they die. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that new sex behaviors will compete or take away from what we have, but this is a stifling, no-win approach. New experiences, even ones that freak us out or make us feel jealous, make our sex lives stronger because when they don't work, we talk about it. And when these experiences do work, they take us to the stars.

AdultFriendFinder: Wow, that's a bold answer. So do you have an example of this type of thing, a couple tries something new and adventurous, has an unfavorable experience and then actually grows closer or whatever from their "after" conversation?

BLUE: Yes, in fact there is one story that comes straight to mind... A couple I interviewed over the course of several months had been searching for a female third to add to their lovemaking for a very long time -- years. But it took a long time to figure out what was going to be okay for both of them so they wouldn't feel jealousy. But then it took even longer to actually find someone, which is quite common. Finally, the male partner met a woman who was really interested in dating a couple, and all of their sexual interests meshed, or at least seemed to. I was very excited for them, and interviewed them throughout their process, so I got a bird's eye view on their experiences.

The guy "dated" the new woman a bit, they went out to coffee, etc. and he sort of screened her for his wife. When the two women met, they got along so well that they actually got drunk together and sort of left him out of the conversations -- though he admitted he didn't mind because he was happy the women liked each other.

Next, they made a date for sex. As it turns out, they had a fantastic time. However, the next time they had a sex date, the guy asked the new girl to be dominant with him -- and she saw herself as a submissive "tell me what to do" type. She tried, but fled the bedroom in tears. The couple told me they were sitting there stunned, with a freaked out girl crying in their living room. The wife was angry at the new girl for not saying no, and mad at her husband for being pushy. The husband was confused, and all their planning had turned into a disaster.

Now the good news: they did exactly what I would have told them to do. They stopped everything, and went to the girl's emotional aid. They put clothes on, made some food and drink, and moved everyone into the kitchen, out of the bedroom (the bad scene room) and the living room (the girl's lonely crying room). They didn't make a big deal out of it, but simply switched activities, and right away. Then they talked about what happened.

The end result was that they all decided not to date each other anymore. It sounds sad, but there's a silver lining to this story. This couple has particularly good communication; even if it didn't work the first time, they decided to revise their approach based on what happened. Because after all, the first sex date was great, so they knew it could work! The male wanted an experience that he hadn't told the new girl about, which turned out to be a nearly disastrous omission on his part. That coudn't happen again -- no more big surprises in the bedroom without talking about it first. The wife decided to take a much more active role in finding partners, and also making sure everyone was included when they had getting-to-know-each-other evenings (before the sex starts).

Some people will find that their own experience is much different than what I described with this couple, but even if you all just jump into bed together, or try a fantasy without any planning or discussion, keep in mind that if something goes awry, your best reaction is to stop everything and switch activities until you can all figure out what went wrong. Make a mutual pact -- "I love you, and will save you if you start to feel bad." With no blame or pressure about the switch in activities, if possible.

For instance, if you have a threesome for the first time, and even though it's your idea, you find yourself freaking out, stop what you are doing immediately. Change the scenery. Your lover's job (or yours, if they're the ones freaking out) is to not question or protest the halting of the activities, but to join you. Give support immediately, yet follow the instructions of the person who's upset. Check in with the newcomer and tell him or her that everything's fine, but that it's a really good time to chill out and regroup. There's a lot more about this scenario in my Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy book, and a whole huge chapter on keeping jealously from interfering with your fantasies, and a lot of situation-specific suggestions. Plus tips for talking about it afterward, and making it really work the next time you try it.

AdultFriendFinder: If someone feels s/he is already an expert in cunnilingus or fellatio, what advanced tips could you offer them?

[To be continued... Violet Blue's even got a recipe for great-tasting semen, so check back for part 2]