how do i believe  

your_gypsy 52F
128 posts
10/19/2005 10:35 pm

Last Read:
3/6/2006 9:33 pm

how do i believe

it's happening again. and i can't even believe it. i was driving down the street listening to the vines on the cd player and reminiscing about an old love that was only the third in my life, when i had the same feelings for the man in my life right now. they just washed over me and engulfed me and i almost had to pull over, i was so overcome...

i certainly didn't expect to feel this way again at this time in my life. i certainly am surprised. no, i don't think this is the right time. but fate apparently has different ideas. i'm not running on my own clock or agenda, but that of a higher power, apparently.

all this time i have been deflecting the men i had become fond of. pushing them away, sabatoging my own efforts at some semblance of true love. jim5131 pointed that out to me in a way. i don't know if that was his intention but it sure came across. i got the message, jim... thank you, thank you... (whisper)...

but it is so hard to trust. i have had so many men lie to me. why? i just don't know. the one i brought up before, who was my third true love, led me through a whirlwind for a year before he told me (screaming) that he never loved me. i can remember being naked in his arms one night, him looking deep into my eyes and singing along with the record he was playing, "lean on me..." me just soaking it up, needing to hear that so badly. a year later he never loved me? well we found out later that wasn't true, either. or at least it wasn't as bad as it sounded. turns out he did love me as much as he could... he was just incapable of giving me what i needed at the time.

now i have someone who is telling me again, "we might be in trouble..." (giggle) and when i look at him i tell him "i'm in love," and he says "i am too..." but something happens and we can't *consumate* it tonight, and i drive home once again that lonely, long ride home

and when i tell him on the phone that i am unsure, he does his best to reassure me, to the point where i am shedding slow warm tears of tenderness, of disbelief even still... like i don't even know i'm loveable.

i let hours go by and feel sleepy enough to go to bed, so i head to the computer to turn it off and there's a message...

******** (10/19/2005 9:57:44 PM): wanted to make sure you know i was serious about what i was saying. I have no doubts. I promise you that baby

rm_VoodooGuru1 50M
2053 posts
10/20/2005 1:03 am

Hooray gypsy!

(Juan S)
2642 posts
10/20/2005 2:16 am

Once a person has been stung by love a few times...the real deep is very hard to trust again. I think i have sabotaged a couple of potential relationships because of this also... as a matter of fact, I am sure of it. ust do your best and be upfront at all times, Karma will make it alright.


AlbertPrince 59M

10/20/2005 3:24 am

All in good time, go for it.

And make sure you pop over to The Sunshine Strippers.
Blogville’s very own strip troupe needs your support!

your_gypsy 52F

10/20/2005 2:44 pm

thanks guys for your encouragement. Siz, it is really good to see you here! (tits-to-back hug/squeeze to you) and i agree with you... sometimes it's just not up to us. i had really no idea. i thought i could control everything. maybe that was the problem. this is just slightly out of reach. i know i could fuck it up if i wanted to and could be alone again... but i'm leaving it be and watching it just get insane... this is really not in my comfort zone at all!! i'm hyperventilating!

here's a hug to you, albertprince.. thanks for visiting so regularly. and voodooguru (blow job) hahahahaha....

jim5131 56M
1296 posts
10/21/2005 2:16 pm

Hey Gypsy...thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry I haven't been as active..I usually like to check with you daily..

I enjoy the heart-to-hearts we had and still have. Anytime you want to know where I am. That 'stand back and look at the whole picture' thing is what I do.

Take care...give the little guy a hug for me...

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