what I need and want most  

wantitnow309 59F
37 posts
6/21/2006 8:16 am

Last Read:
6/24/2006 4:24 am

what I need and want most

In a couple of days my membership for this site will be drawing to a close and I have decided not to renew it. I've met a lot of interesting people to say the least on this site and I have come to the conclusion that we are all looking for the same thing, and that is to be loved, one way or another. It can come via our spouses or a stranger, but all of us need the feeling that we are loved, wanted and desired above all else.
I enjoyed myself. I felt desired in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I began to make changes in my appearance, my attitude, my outlook and my view on my marriage and life in general.
If anything, this site has taught me that I can change and modify what I've been given in my life and make it for the better. I still can be the flirt, the philosopher, the writer, the dreamer, the "bad girl" I always wanted to be. Then I think that it is all a mirage. The real me sits at this computer and dreams up a fantasy world where she can escape to when she wants - and that's great - for awhile.
Now I need to concentrate on my real life. I need to put the energy that I release on this site into the real man in my life. The man I have been married to for 26 years. The man I adore and want beside me more than anyone on this planet. The man who taught me to be a wife, a lover, and a person who can hold her own and can make her own mind.
My daughter also needs me now becaue she is undergoing some physical problems and I have to concentrate on what lies ahead for all of us. This is not just about me and what I want. It's about family and loyalty and ....love.
There was a great man that I communicated with on this site that gave me insight as to what I wanted. He made me question myself, my values, my insight, my desires and I want him to know he's right. I couldn't continue with a charade. I'm not a plastic person and I don't want to play games. I never was a gambler and gambling my marriage away on a fling is something I don't want to do anymore. I have too much invested and too much at stake to throw it all away on someone who just wants a screw partner and that's that.
My friend, my lover, my hopes and my dream is the one I sleep with every night, talk to every day and have taken care of for over 25 years.
So, thank you, everyone, for helping me to see that the person who needs to change and be happy with is .. MYSELF! No one can do it for you. There is no substitute for your own happiness. You can try finding it in the arms of someone else, but ask yourself this question - will you be trully happy with what you are doing? Will you trully be happy with yourself? My answer is no. The guilt would eat me alive and the pain in knowing that I totally abandoned those vows I made to my husband in a church before God would make it too hard to face him each day. I would hurt him so deeply and that would never account for the little hurts I get at times. They woldn't add up because his would be so much greater than mine.
So you see, during this short time I have been here, I have come to some powerful conclusions about myself, my life, my marriage and my thinking. I know that I will always be my husband's wife, that I'm in it for the duration, that no man can take his place in my heart, my mind or my soul. My life has and is a happy one. I have 3 great kids, one beautiful granddaughter, a beautiful home, good health, intelligence, a great sense of humor, a loving husband who doesn't always realize what he has, but then again, I don't always realize what I have either. I have experienced so much in this lifetime and hope to experience lots more and go on more adventures, both good and bad, and I know that no matter what happens, we will survive to the end.
I am and will always try to be the "good girl". There is nothing wrong with that. Beats thinking about STDs and AIDs and all of that crap. I don't want to be the one responsible for bringing home any "bugs" I have to explain.
There are a lot of good men on this site and good women too and I wish you all well and hope that you find what it is that you think you are missing in your life. There is so much out there and so little time and I want to see and do as much as I can in the time I have to do it and I want to do it with the man I pledged to love, honor and obey 26 years ago.
Maybe in the future, I'll be back again. Maybe one day, I'll be able to let my curiosity run its course, but not today. Today, I need to concentrate on my daughter, my husband and the rest of my life.
So happy hunting, you guys. Keep me in your thoughts and I will keep you in mine!

tjinsoutheastpa1 54M
499 posts
6/21/2006 2:45 pm

Very well written and said. Good luck and have a GREAT LIFE! Just because your giving up your paying membership doesn't mean you can't stop by and say hello every now and again.

RockPebble 70M
2493 posts
6/23/2006 9:32 am

Good luck, you will be missed. You could become a standard member and just visit and blog a little.

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