my life is going from dull to interesting  

wantitnow309 59F
37 posts
6/6/2006 7:37 pm

Last Read:
6/8/2006 10:13 pm

my life is going from dull to interesting

For once in my life I am beginning to feel alive now! It all has to do with this site and the cool people that are on it. I've met a couple, talked to a few on the phone and have emailed several and I feel like life is just beginning! It's taken me almost 48years to feel that way.
When I was growing up, I was taught that it was improper for a girl to have sex only in marriage, that it was dirty and nasty. So, when all of my sexual feelings started to come out, I felt I was bad for feeling that way. Good girls didn't screw around. I had to be the type to get taken home to meet mother. I had to be the perfect child because my parents were older and I was their godsend. So many expectations and so many rules and regulations! All I wanted to be was myself, but that wasn't allowed either.
I was true to my parents. I took care of them when they got sick and passed away. I went to nursng school because they thought it was best for me. I lived in the area instead of moving where I wanted to appease them. I got married because that's what nice girls do and had children.
In the meantime, I lost my soul! I lost my emotions, my ability to feel and be felt. I married a man I adored and wanted. We were together all of the time. We did everything together. I was madly and passionately in love with him and wanted to make sure I was the perfect wife and lover. I read books, I learned how to cook , clean house, be a good listener, be a good lover and make sure he was pleasured even if I wasn't. I gave him 3 great kids to be proud of and I am proud of too. I worked my work schedule around his, made sure he got some "me" time and waited.
As time has gone by, I'm still waiting. Waiting to be loved and adored as I do him. I started to push back my emotions, the feelings I was having, the anger and hostility I was feeling. I thought there was something wrong with me. I lost a lot of weight because he told me I was too fat. I changed my hair, changed my job, stepped up the cleaning and the cooking, rubbed his back and made him feel like a king. It has never been reciprocated.The emotions were flooding my soul with hate and self loathing.
Then I said fuck it. I put some of my weight back on. Cut my hair the way I wanted it. Stopped doing some of the things I was doing and you know what? It didn't matter. I could stand on my head naked and my husband would tell me to move that I'm blocking tv. I could come down in a teddy and do every delicous thing he wanted me to do and he would ask me if I wasn't cold in that thing! I would turn away, hurt and angry and lonely and then I realized Ihad to save myself! I had to find an outlet and to see if there was anyone out there who thought I was still human, still attractive and still worthwhile - and I have!
The biggest shocker I got today was from my oldest daughter who is 24. She asked me when I was going to finally get tired of being treated like a dog and leave! I was shellshocked. Her reply was that she and her siblings have known for a long time that I'm not happy and lonely, but they were afraid to say something. They don't even understand while I'm stillhere.
She knows about this site and tells me to go for it. To be happy, to enjoy the rest of my life and to stop worrying about daddy. "He doesn't worry about you", She said. "Except when it comes time for dinner or when the house isn't up to his expectations.Why should you worry about him?" I haven't gotten over that yet!
So, you see, my friends, our children do notice. They do see even when we try to cover up our hurt and pain and disappointment in our spouses.They can see very clearly into our relationships with our spouses and know when things aren't working out right.
As I sit and think about this, I wonder how long they have felt that way. It goes back 14 years! My daughter told me that they couldn't understand why I didn't leave when I had the chance. I had a younger guy who was madly in love with me and wanted me and my kids to be his family. He wanted them! He played with them and did things with us as friends and asked me to come with him and I refused! Why? Because I felt I was obligated to their father. I felt it was the right thing to do to stay. They needed their dad and I thought heneeded us. Now, I'm not too sure.They wanted Pat,not their dad. Why? Because he played with them, listened to them and taught them things that their father refused to do though God knows we tried to get him involved in their lives.
Oh, he is aware I talk to other people now. I make no bones about being on this site. Not to evoke jealousy orstrife in my marriage, but to make him be aware that there are other guys out there that are attracted to me and that I am vibrant and alive and wanting be loved and be happy, even if it means that he's notthere to do it. Is he thinking? Yeah. Is he afraid? He better be! Am I going to stop what I'm doing? Hell no! I'm having a blast and I actually feel like I can finally be me! And,one other thing,it's also to prove that I'm not always a good girl after all! Sometimes it's fun to be bad and I'm just starting!

rm_imtheone42 75M
485 posts
6/6/2006 8:57 pm

Your story of your upbringing reminded me of a woman I know who said her parents told her that sex was dirty,nasty and disgusting and should be saved for the one she loves.....HUH?

On the serious side though I`m glad you are now enjoying life. That`s as it should be. Life is too short to live in misery. Good luck.

RockPebble 70M
2493 posts
6/7/2006 7:15 am

Kids say the darnedest things...

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere, lol.

I'm happy you're finding yourself, I'm going through a re-evaluation of myself too. This site can be a way back from wherever it is we went too. Good luck.

tjinsoutheastpa1 54M
499 posts
6/7/2006 6:29 pm

Glad your finding what you had hoped to find on this site. It is amazing what our kids pick up along the way!

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