Why Does Love Take Control  

waggypolly 73F
7449 posts
8/19/2006 12:06 pm

Last Read:
12/12/2006 4:55 pm

Why Does Love Take Control

I posted on my recent, but rather long brainstorm in I Used to Care Deeply. Falling in love is weird. It can be deeply intimate and spiritual. It can be obsessive and destructive. My recent experience was rather in the middle, not really any of the above. I have reached the stage of wondering, ”Why?” The answer isn’t just, “Because he’s a lovely person / terribly nice guy.” He is that; but so are many lovely men, and I don’t fall in love with all of them.

What is needed to fall in in love? The person has to be right. The time has to be right. The place has to be right. For both of you. They were only right for me, not for Mr Hewhomiusedtocarefordeeply.

The time and place were right for me:
• We were both alone in a new country.
• I was fresh from successful therapy and ready to connect with somebody.

I’ve been pondering how difficult I found it to let go emotionally, still a long time after I perceived that I needed to.
• I imagined he was an answer to my existential loneliness.
• “Being in love” provided a distraction from the tedia of daily life.
• My brain chemistry took over.

Scientists tell us that there are love hormones that kick in when we fall for someone. That they hang around for about two and a half years. This is as long as a woman needs to have support while she’s pregnant and lactating. It’s all about survival of the species.

Nothing has changed in this relationship, except that, after about two and half years, the irrational, emotional part suddenly switched off.

Hormonal programming?

This is Polly, still Wagging
Remember: ! Bloggers are a Better Breed !

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happyladychat 49F
3740 posts
8/20/2006 10:12 am

Sometimes we love so deep that it's hard to let go, especially emotionally. The best solution: find new love.

Make it your challenge.... turn me ON!!

waggypolly replies on 8/20/2006 7:13 pm:

It is a good solution, and it's great when someone new turns up. There's also the possibility of a period between loves, which is emotionally calm and fee of desire. That's good too.

Theflinkychick 106F

8/20/2006 11:12 am


Not all who wander are lost.

waggypolly replies on 8/20/2006 7:14 pm:

It's all worthwhile. I still have the friendship which is all that he thought we were creating in the first place. And I have learnt so much about myself and how I do this thing called love.

redswallow777 49M
6811 posts
8/20/2006 4:38 pm

Mmmmm....I wonder what the scientists say about the male hormones? Do we have similiar chemicals that keep us "attached" or do we just mate and move on like some other male animals.

Two and a half years is big price to pay for falling in love with the wrong person.

waggypolly replies on 8/20/2006 7:25 pm:

It's about that length of time for the glow to come off being in love for males too, that's when they're needed to protect the new 'family'. After that their 'roving' hormones kick back in and send them off to quickly impregnate other females: that's encouraging species survival too.

Yes it is a long time. What has really struck me is that how hard I worked during that period to shake the attachment and just couldn't and then suddenly, one day without warning it just switched itself off for no apparent reason. I still love him as a friend and confidant but I'm just not bothered by all the additional longing any longer. Stuff which I'd worked out was inappropriate for me two years earlier.

The stuff in the book we read together about limbic attachment helps explain the development of this love, but not it's continuance when I actively tried to let go of it.

LickYourYoni 69M
509 posts
8/20/2006 6:29 pm

i tend to think that we are energy beings. we vibrate
at different frequencies. while we may have many, many
attractions, only rarely do we seem to encounter another
energy being that vibrates at about the same rate. when
that happens, it is like a lightening strike. i also think that
we are entraped by the rational mind. to qoute from a book
that i am reading..every decision is one of feeling, speaking
and moving on this planet with heart.

and from another book..if we choose a partner we are strongly
attracted to and stay loyal to our spiritual journeys by keeping
kind and true to each other, sexual attraction can remain strong.
Indeed, it is this strong attraction that helps people see each other's
best traits. this adoration for our partner, which helps us cherish
each other, even our foibles, helps keep omantic feelings alive.

waggypolly replies on 8/20/2006 7:27 pm:

Wouldn't it be great to find a relationship like this?

I think these energy vibrations persist whether we hook up or not, and apply to our friendships and family relationships as well. Don't you?

horny4770 61M
8158 posts
8/21/2006 5:04 am

I’ll admit to not understanding the scientific aspects of much of anything. I married the first girl I ever fell in love with; not the first one I ever loved but was in love with. In looking back, I can see how things changed and evolved between us, but we continually loved each other and were always in love too. We had that for two decades, so I know there is more to it than simply hormones that switch off after a time.

I mean no disrespect here; would those same hormones be relevant to a woman who is past the child birthing years or to a man who is not in a protective fathering role? What would make them fall in love, or would it even be love?

I’ve met several exceptional women in the past several years and have tried to be in love, but hormones or not it wasn’t to be. A few were in love with me, or thought they were, but it wasn’t reciprocated. Perhaps scientists need to do more research on the affairs of the heart . . . maybe they’re missing something that surpasses known scientific knowledge. I would hate to think that what I have now will be gone in two years.

waggypolly replies on 8/21/2006 7:58 am:
There is more to it, i think.

There are others influences on what makes us fall in love.
All sorts of good things happen after the hormones settle - for lucky and clever couples like you two. But at that stage many drift apart.
My point is that - I had been working overtime to get this guy out of my mind and affections (while you were doing the opposite with your wife, I assume) because I'd worked out cognitively that we weren't well matched and I just COULDN'T do it.
Then one day it had switched off; it was simply all behind me.

A great relief: but also quite weird.

free2chose2 67F

8/21/2006 10:06 am

You might have to trade that model in

Don't worry, be Happy

waggypolly replies on 8/22/2006 2:23 am:

Did already.

warmandsexy52 65M
13164 posts
8/22/2006 2:09 am

Never underestimate the power of hormones on human behaviour, or the fact that we will be oblivious to that at the time. I know that in a long term relationship the importance of regular sex is important because it does change how partners feel about each other. They could masturbate separately and it would not be the same. So there is a psychophysiological affect which isn't fully understood. Add to that the fact that nerves and hormones do interact and there's something very complex going on.

It's not entirely a comfortable realisation because to some extent it challenges the concept that we are in full control of ourselves. Interesting post.

warm xx

waggypolly replies on 8/22/2006 2:23 am:

In control of ourselves?
You've got to be joking!
Of course we're not.

Regular sex does develop its own effects for sure. I was actually thinking about the falling-in-love chemicals which operate indepently of sexual acivity. I will post again. More evidence!

Dustywidgettoo 62M

8/23/2006 4:12 am

Waggy you are fantastic. That has made my morning. Thank you love!


waggypolly replies on 8/23/2006 8:04 am:

See my latest. I'm onto you .... all of you? .... well some of you.

economickrisis 56M

8/24/2006 11:17 pm

Falling in love is what I regard as a 'happy accident'. Im accident prone

waggypolly replies on 8/25/2006 3:03 am:

I'm glad to hear that. You and I should get together sometime.

interested13563 54M
2557 posts
8/26/2006 1:35 pm

Scientists are probalby right. However, "hormonal programming"
reflects behaviour averaged over the population. Individualy there
are significant variations. We are not exactly automatons: we
function as a result of internal genetically programmed propensities,
external conditions and stimuli as well as personal choices. We
are stochastically heuristic organisms. As you know loving someone
involves much more than "being in love" with that person. On the
other hand if our nature includes a two-and-a-half-year
"irrational cycle" of "being in love" the best thing we can do
is accept it and make the most of it. Therefore, a person can be
in love about thirty times in a lifetime - and what experiences
that may produce!!!

waggypolly replies on 9/2/2006 12:43 am:

They've canned my first response to you. It was rejoicing that since I've only been in love about five or six times so far, I've got 25 left to go. Whooopeeeee .....

Actually I think you forgot to calculate in the downtime between each major event. I'm in downtime at the moment.

__Huntress__ 56M/59F

9/16/2006 6:23 am

Suddenly, someone trips the switch to a fading light, and it's illumination is gone ... we shut the door and move down the corridor to the next room where a shaft of promise leaks through the bottom of the door ... we turn the knob and open it ... if there are cobwebs there, we move beyond it, past it ... to the next ... there is a hint of warmth in this one ... this room is lit by candlelight ... I'm going inside to see if it makes a difference ...


waggypolly replies on 10/9/2006 9:04 pm:

Nice images.


9/17/2006 5:37 pm

just don't give up .. sorry thats all I have for now..I think everyone said it right

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat

waggypolly replies on 10/9/2006 9:03 pm:

I shan't give up on trying to understand what makes us tick, not ever.

__Huntress__ 56M/59F

9/24/2006 4:06 am

For you ... [post 510387] !


waggypolly replies on 10/9/2006 9:05 pm:

off to read it now.

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