What's wrong with me?  

vrec_dawn 41M
854 posts
1/30/2006 7:39 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

What's wrong with me?

It's 8:30. I'm all snuggled and warm in bed. (Well, on my couch which is my bed right now.) I've been reading a book for a while, and even though it's a kind of creepy story, I'm still sedated by it, by the warmth, by the soft blankets, whatever. And all is good.

I know that I have to pick up my ex and drive her home from her job at 9:30. That's an hour away though. I can easily get in a nice nap, get in some me time. It's all good.

And then it hits me, that thought, that evil vile corruption of the wicked. I should take a walk.

What?!?! A walk?! But I'm all snuggled up and oh so sleepy. I don't want to get up!

Yep. A walk.

But it's flirking cold outside, and I'm so nice and warm right now. A walk?

Yes, a walk.


So still in my pjs, I put on my shoes, I grab my jacket and gloves, and out I go. For a walk. In the cold. At night. All in black. Gee, I feel smart.

As my sweat pants keep trying to fall off of my skinny ass as I walk, and I keep grabbing them by the waist under my long wool coat to hike them back up, for all of another minute or so, I'm feeling ever so much smarter.

Do I have any stunning realizations while I'm walking? At first, no. I still kind of just felt stunned and stupid. And I kept thinking about how, actually, the walk is fair enough punishment, since I gave in and had a two egg omlet after my dinner ... and then two slices of buttered and grape-jellied toast. Mmmm. **smack** So making me get my weak no-willpowered ass up and work off those extra calories is just desserts, so to speak.

But then I smelled some smoke. And it got me to thinking of how much I like smoke. Not that awful smelling shit from your cigarettes. Ugh. That's just nasty. I'm sorry, but you smokers have no idea how bad cigarettes smell. Some pipe tobacco is good. Hell, some of it is awesome. And even clove cigarettes are good. But those cheap ass sticks of tarry death are just as nasty as anything. No, I'm talking about real smoke, wood smoke.

There's just no smell better. Well, okay, a few tie. But a nice little wood fire just smells so peaceful and inviting. And I start thinking one day I'd really love to have a nice managable little fireplace or iron stove where I can grab a log or two from a small pile, and just enjoy a nice wood fire. Not because I need to for warmth, but just because.

And it occurs to me that if I'm looking to sell my house and move into an apartment, then I'm not going to have that option. I mean, sure, some places might have a fireplace ... if I'm a millionare I might even be able to afford a place like that. But honestly, it's a pleasure that'll have to go on hold. And realizing that made me sad for some reason.

It was then that I realized that, you know, this crappy house that I'm looking to sell actually isn't so bad. It's kind of cute, in it's own annoying little way. And maintaining it might not be so bad as I'd been thinking lately.

I think what had really gotten me depressed about living there hasn't been the house itself, but the company inside. When my ex finally moves out, maybe I might even keep the house. I don't know. It's something to think about anyway.

It's frustrating letting her live here still. But she needs time to straighten out her own life and prove that she can save up the money to get home on her own. And because I'm her friend, I respect that. I want to help her. But damn if there aren't times that I want to just kick her out too. It's so frustrating. I wish she'd get on with her life a little faster. But then it's easiest to wait for the divorce paperwork to get done at least, to get that over with.

I don't know what I'll do when she leaves, but I do know that I'll be a lot happier. As much as her divorcing me hurt at first, it's funny, but already I'm sooooo seeing now how much she bugged me. I deserve someone better than her. She deserves to be better than that for herself. I wish she's just grow up already. It's too late for her to get back with me, but for herself, you know?

Anywho, life is funny. It seems like I never know what's going to happen next, even when it's something as short as just an hour away.

I'm just rambling now, so I'll shut up. But it's nice to write this stuff down, to get it out. It'd be even nicer to think that someone else in this world actually gives a damn. **LOL** Yeah. As if. Me and my faithful readers.

gentelmanjim53 64M

2/1/2006 3:44 pm

Ramble away if it helps to quiet the demons in your head or is simply a way to vent frustration it is all good.

vrec_dawn 41M

2/2/2006 3:02 pm

Ja. Me and a blog is a dangerous combination right now. As if I wasn't weird enough before.

mysteriesofme 45F

2/2/2006 11:42 pm

Hey, you should get one of those patio firepits.. and sit outside and enjoy it.. "wood smoke"

I don't really miss my fireplaces that much.. at times, yes.. the warmth of sleeping in front of them.. or.. not sleeping in front of them..

I sometimes miss.. but.. not enough to get another one.. as of yet.

vrec_dawn 41M

2/3/2006 3:44 pm

Hmm ... a patio firepit is an interesting idea. I'll have to think about that. Or there's my travel grill I suppose. A piece of would should fit on it okay.

singleagain53578 48F

2/22/2006 10:16 am

I miss my old house too. The first thing we did was build a fire pit in the back yard. I can't wait until it gets warm outside so I can use the portable fire pit we got for christmas. UH OH Randy took that when he moved out I bet. Darn will have to buy one.

I agree, there's nothing like the smell of a good fire!!! Most times in the summer, thats how the kids and I eat our dinner. Pudgie pies made over the fire. Or just a good ole hotdog. Shmores? YUMMY!!!

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