Ugh. So Sick Of Being Sick.  

vrec_dawn 41M
854 posts
2/27/2006 12:41 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Ugh. So Sick Of Being Sick.

It's 2 in the morning. I've been laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, since 11pm. My skin is burning, but I feel like I'm freezing. I'm sore all over. Even my eyelashes hurt. And my throat is sore. Again.

No wonder I'm so bitchy about K-Mart. No wonder I needed a nap earlier even though I'd gotten 9 hours of sleep, for two nights in a row. No wonder I've been so damn munchy. I mean I knew my throat was sore, but I just haven't really felt sick-sick until about an hour ago. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't.

Granted, knowing why I was so grumpy about what K-Mart did still doesn't in any way excuse their behavior. I mean really, it was like they were spoiling for a fight, being way more confrontational than justified. My only sin was sitting on the bench, safely away from all money and merchandise, while waiting to take the ex home. Hardly a call for hostility.

But right now I'm too drained and physically sore to be pissed anymore. They're not worth what little energy I have right now. I'm tired.

I just wish this damn flu would go away. It's like this throat thing has been kicking me around at odd times for months. You'd think at some point my damn immune system would get the hang of it and kill them little bacterial bastards once and for all and leave me feeling completely well again.


Of course, as a spiritual person, I know what the problem is. The real problem, I'm sure, is that I'm not fully expressing myself to the ex. Those held-back words and feelings are festering in my aura, weakening me energeticly. (Likely, the K-Mart thing was just the extra waterjug on the camel's already broken back.) And since spirit is out of whack, it's dragging body and mind down with it, since they're all connected. Hence a physical manifestation of an emotional issue, aka the sore throat and related flu. Sore throat for unexpressed words. Burning skin for held in anger. I am my own worst enemy.

Knowing however is not solving. For to solve I would have to address what's bothering me, and only then can I let it go. But very likely to do so in this case would require saying stuff to the ex, kicking her when she's down. Hell, even kicking her when she's up isn't easy. Maybe there are things that she does need to hear, but really, they've all been said. There's nothing new to say, I don't think. I'm just not letting the anger go like I should be. At least that's what the physical problems seem to indicate.

So it's a choice I guess. I can try to half-ass it without hurting her and quite possibly continue to suffer on and off like this, or I can hurt her and then feel extremely guilty, quite possibly then manifesting some other problem from that guilt. Choices, choices. Which path to walk...

Likely, I'll be taking the road of the martyr. Not because I want sympathy, but because I'm too damn nice for my own good. I am the Fool. **LOL** Ask any good tarot reader just what that means.

I just can't help it. No matter how much I see, how much I go through, I just can't not believe in a better happier world. And so I'll foolishly plod on, hoping for the best and suffering all the while. Which, I can't help. I'm a romantic. I'd rather end up hurt time and time again than guard myself so much that I miss out on some opportunity. Theoreticaly should be a balance there, somewhere, but to even believe that such a balance is necessary makes me sad. To work for such a balance would hurt me as much or more than to suffer for not working for it. And so in this life I doubt I'll ever learn it.

**LOL** Oh what a fool am I.

Oh well. Just so long as I have time to heal up between beatings, I'll be okay.

I guess there's just a difference between knowing what's wrong and wanting to change. Maybe I just don't belong in this world. But it's where I'm at, so I might as well enjoy the journey while I'm here. **LOL**

Just like this time around I'm in a man's body, so I might as well enjoy being a man, at least until I reincarnate as a woman in my next life. **LOL** Maybe some men can pull off looking okay with a little hormone therapy and/or surgery, but I'd make a damn ugly woman, so there's no point in fighting that. He he he.

Ye gods I'm tired though. At least I can call in sick. Hopefully some time tonight I'll even fall asleep.

Life is just a damn yo-yo lately.

Maybe tomorrow (well, later today at this point) I'll take some Magnified Healing essence and go on a nice spiritual meditation. And if I'm really lucky Quan Yin will smack me around until whatever I'm holding in breaks loose so that I can see it, aknowledge it, and choose to let it go. Maybe that'll do the trick ... if all goes well. And then no one has to be hurt.

Geeze. I ask, just how can hair hurt? There are no nerve endings in hair. It just ain't right to feel this sore all over.

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