Sailing The Open Me  

vrec_dawn 41M
854 posts
7/21/2006 4:34 pm

Last Read:
7/24/2006 3:48 pm

Sailing The Open Me

So, yeah. Some people might have noticed that I've left the AdultFriendFinder groups I was in. Or that my profile has changed. The reason? I don't really know.

And by that, I mean I don't really know what the ____ I'm doing here. I know how I got here. And I cherish the friends I've made. I just don't know that I'll find what I need here.

For that matter, I don't even know what I need.

That's my problem lately. The more I think I understand, the less I find I know. And right now I don't know jack.

All my life I've been searching for what I want. And every time I've found what I was searching for, it's bit me in the asterisk at least as hard as it's benefitted me. Usually it takes an even bigger chunk of me than I gain.

Fortunately, I heal. And so in the end I still manage to come out ahead at least.

But I've realized that while I know what I want, what I want rarely (so far never) turns out to be what I need. So until I figure out what I need instead of what I want, I'm just not going to look anymore. I'm tired of being hurt.

I'm still open to going wherever the winds take me. I'm not so foolish as to believe that I am the only force of movement in my life. I'm just no longer going to struggle for things that are only to my detriment.

At least for now. Maybe I'll get sick of nothing happening. Maybe I'll even find insight. Or find what I need and no longer need insight. Who knows? All I do know right now is that I don't know. And I'm tired of flailing my arms around in every direction.

I need a break. And I need to move in the right direction for a change. Maybe that's where I'll be taken once I stop fighting. Or maybe stopping to catch my breath will give me the opportunity to see. But in the mean time, I'm tired of the struggle.

I'm still blogging. I'm addicted. And I still visit blogs and catch up on my messages. So I'm not gone for good. I'm just going more passive than active, and hoping in taking a moment to listen that I finally hear.


gentelmanjim53 65M

7/23/2006 8:50 am

Varec, you have taken the first step in a positive direction, that is to understand that we always have much to learn about life, second, you have realized that your "wants" and your "needs" are not the same thing. The dawning of realization that sometimes it is better to sit quietly and let life come to you instead of trying to force something to happen.
The beginning of a long journey begins with the first step. That is a chinese proverb and is quoated often for it is true that we must begin a journey from where we are, your journey begins from where you are right now. As this new beginning opens before you look for the oppurtunities that will present themselves to you, always try to remain positive and never give up hope of finding the things you want but satisfy your needs first.
Never lose contact with friends for they are what make life worth all the pain and longing we have from day to day. Luck and happiness to you.


vrec_dawn replies on 7/24/2006 3:50 pm:
Thanks GJ. I've heard it said that life is a journey. At times I've felt more like it's a forced march, but at least I keep on walking. Usually even with head held high. I don't even want to know how many miles I've got on my combat boots by now though...

woofff 42F

7/23/2006 11:39 am

I'de say that your inner movement from active to passive signals an inner change/transition...

Is that good? Is that bad? Nature operates in duality and has no truck with 'good' and 'bad', 'right' or 'wrong'. Any change should be welcomed. You can benefit from the change tremendously if you can observe the change as it happens.Its an ally and a friend, is the Mind - if harnessed. From what I've read of your posts and presence of mind, you are in the process of harnessing your own mind.

God knows what my point is lol. I'm just trying to say I like how you think.

Good luck,you!

Woofff


vrec_dawn replies on 7/24/2006 3:59 pm:
Thanks.

The funny thing is some of who I was in the last few months has been sort of forced, me trying to make myself into who I think I should be to be happy after my failed marriage. Only as I lived it I found that it wasn't making me happy. Oh, not that I'm really much different at heart, but some priorities I guess are in doubt. And so now I'm wondering if I wouldn't be happier being who I used to be long ago before the marriage, instead of who I became after it. Or something like that. So I think I'm just stepping back to simpler times for a while and trying that out. If that makes any sense. So does that make it change, or does that make it un-change? As if life isn't confusing enough. He he he.

My fear is that in getting back in touch with who I used to be I'll end up only living in nostalgia and wind up no happier than I am now. My hope is that in getting back in touch with who I used to be I'll manage to reconnect with myself and find a long lost path to start walking forward from. Who knows? At worst it least can't be any worse for me than forcing myself to be someone I think I should be, but am not, in the hopes that will make me happy.

Damned if I wouldn't kill for an instruction manual or roadmap to life though.

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