No Sleep For The Wicked  

vrec_dawn 41M
854 posts
2/27/2006 9:56 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

No Sleep For The Wicked

Blah. I didn't fall asleep until 4am. Then at 7 a contractor came by to work on the electrical stuff in the reconstruction. Bang bang bang. Zzzzzrrr. Thud thud thud thud. A symphony for the sick to wish they could sleep by. I tried until 9, but it just wasn't happening. So instead I've been reading a book. Oh well. Maybe I'll catch a nap later.

rm_sallyride 69F

2/27/2006 10:18 am

Hi Vrec, sorry to hear you are sick! Have you been to the doctor? Sorry to sound like a mother hen, but you might have strep throat, and if you do, you will need an antibiotic to get well! Also, just wanted to say from experience, no matter how hard it is, it's not a good idea to keep your feelings to yourself. Even if those feelings are anger, try to express them to your ex in a non confrontational manner. I spent years keeping my anger inside, and all I accomplished was to get fat from overeating to compensate, and become even angrier and bitter. My anger issues got silenced when he died, the weight issues still remain. I still regret that I couldnt just come out and say what I was feeling. I dont' know why some of us have such a hard time expressing ourselves. I think my problem is that I don't won't anyone to be mad at me, so sometimes instead of saying what I really think, I say what I think they want to hear. BAD!! I am getting better at not worrying about what other people think, and just doing what I want, but it hasn't been easy. Just take it one thought at a time. Pick out one thing you want to say, and just say it.I don't know your whole story, but I think at some point, you're going to have to say adios, and let her go. She was the one who wanted to split up right? And yet you are still supporting her... sooner or later she's going to have to go out on her own. For your sake, I hope it's sooner.... hope I haven't overstepped the boundaries here, especially since, as I said, I don't know the whole story. I just want you to think about what's best for you....

vrec_dawn 41M

2/27/2006 2:55 pm

You're right. And I normally don't hold stuff in so much. I used to, many moons ago, but that was a pretty self-destructive path. Normally I express myself these days. Just not much lately, on this. I'm trying to keep the divorce friendly.

I think I'm going to stop jerking my life around so much to give her rides to and from work. Screw it. We can split the taxi bills or something. I don't know. But I'm tired of being her bloody chauffeur. When I agreed to help her with that, I had been under the delusion (of her construction mind you) that I would be one of several friends helping out. But, as always, she's just started taking advantage of me. So I'm going to stop that anyway.

But really, I'm tired of seeing her, period. My whole life feels like it's on hold for her. But then it has been for years, so it's really nothing new. What's a couple extra months of missery on top of the last few years of co-dependant depression? The only difference is that now I'm just not getting anything out of it. I'm even doing all the damn chores lately, because I'm just tired of living in filth while waiting for her to get around to her share of them.

It won't be so bad when I get my bedroom back though. At least then I'll have some private space again. It's just, right now, that I have nowhere to retreat to. **sigh** And that's starting to wear on my nerves.

And she'll only be here until she's saved up enough money to leave under her own power, or until the divorce paperwork is finished. With luck the two should coincide fairly well. Last time we talked she wanted to be home for her birthday, so that'd make it July at the latest. Unless something weird goes wrong.

I mean, yeah, I could just kick her out, make her get her own apartment, stuff like that. But then she'd never save up the money to get home. She's not exactly skilled labor. And I'd feel pretty bad about that. I'm the one that got her stuck in this country. The least I can do is help her get out of it.

But the decision for a divorce is pretty much equal now. She was thinking of it, hell, likely sure of it, considerably before me. She just wasn't telling me because "she didn't want to hurt me". Really though, I think it was more because then she couldn't use me as badly as she was planning. But I was the one to call her on it because she was just acting so damn weird. I was the first one to bring it up when we fought. I just didn't expect her to say yes. I thought it was just an empty threat. But I agree with the whole idea now. It's really for the best. She's just not the person I fell in love with anymore. Sometimes, when I think back, I'm not sure she ever was. A bit of false advertisement there. It just took a few years to become obvious.

And, meh, about being sick, nothing worth seeing a doctor for. If it gets worse, maybe. But for now, meh. Green tea, 7up, plenty of fluids, vitamins (especially C), fiber, and yogurt. Some damn SLEEP would be nice too.

But I'm really not fond of doctors. Besides, I'm allergic to penecillin and the non-allergic stuff just doesn't work all that well in my experience, and even then, antibiotics screw up the immune system. So I'd rather try fighting it the natural way first, and only turn to a doctor if it's clearly beyond my scope.

Besides, the last time I went to see a doctor I clearly had tonsillitis. I told the doctor this. She said "wow, you have naturally large tonsils". I said, "no, I don't". She said "do you have hayfever?" I said, "no, I have full blown allergies to pretty much all organic life, but that's not important. Right now I have tonsillitis. I've had a high grade fever and my tonsils are very swollen." She took my temperature and said "it's not high grade." I said "it is if you take into account that my normal temperature is 1.8 degrees lower than average." She looked at my tonsils again and then prescribed me an inhaled steroid for my 'hayfever'. And it took three days to get an appointment with a different doctor, because she was the only one in at the time that wasn't booked solid and no one could be bothered to try and fit me in, nor reccomend me to the emergency room so that my insurance would cover that option. So three days later when I finally got my second opinion I was already well on the way to recovery, my tonsils were much less swollen, and even then that doctor diagnosed me with tonsillitis before I could even open up my mouth to tell her, because it was that freaking obvious. At which point antibiotics were also useless, because I'd suffered for days and was recovering on my own by then, so I didn't need them to shorten my recovery time anymore.

And that's hardly abnormal in my experience. It's actually been pretty par for the course. So over the years I haven't exactly grown much of a fondness for doctors. I see them as rarely as necessary. I'd rather just heal myself, because I know that I'm at least not completely incompitant.

I don't get it. Nurses are always nice. And skilled. They actually listen. But it's like, once someone gets their PHD they become arrogant idiots, and end up doing as much harm as good. Or maybe I'm just cursed to always get the bad ones.

singleagain53578 48F

2/27/2006 3:47 pm

Well DUH, that was your FIRST mistake. You doctored in Baraboo, didn't you? Pfffft Silly Boy, I need to teach you some more. NEVER Dr. in Baraboo. Go the Sauk!!!! Yeah I know, I work at the hospital BUT that means NADA to me!!!


rm_sallyride 69F

2/27/2006 6:32 pm

Vrec, as long as you don't have a fever, you probably don't need to go to the doctor. However, if you are running a fever, I would consider going to the doctor. There are other antibiotics besides penecillin.

I guess I now remember seeing something in the past about your ex being from out of the country, but I had forgotten that. I guess in that case I do agree with you, to let her stay and save money to go back. I'm sure it must be very hard though, to still have to live together. It sounds as though you don't even have your own room. I'm not sure I could hang together if I didn't even have that much privacy. I admire you for hanging in there. Hopefully things will be resolved by July, and you will have your life back.

vrec_dawn 41M

2/28/2006 10:56 am

SINgle, been to Reedsburg and Baraboo over the years. I'm not particulary impressed with either. So Sauk you say? I'll try to remember that if I ever need to see a doctor. (Which I can only hope is never. )

sallyride, minor stuff like this just isn't worth it IMHO. Even if a doctor wanted to put me on antibiotics, I wouldn't take them unless it was really bad. My experience has been that while they'll save you from your present illness, they only weaken you for picking up something else in a week or so. I'd rather the devil I know ... unless it's really bad, like tonsillitis.

And yeah, not the best of living situations. All I can try to do is make the best of it ... and hope like hell it ends soon.

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