I can't sleep.  

vrec_dawn 41M
854 posts
6/22/2006 8:19 pm
I can't sleep.

For hours I've been laying in my bed, just ... thinking. I can't seem to fall asleep.

For some reason tonight I just really feel the burden of failure. I feel like I've let my ex down. That I failed her. Instead of being the inspiration in her life, I became the means to enable her to avoid all responsability, especially to herself.

How does one fail so badly at being a good husband while having given her all of the love and support in the world? I don't know. Yet somehow I've managed to.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I know that for the most part it's her own failing. I'm not responsible for her. She is. And she just refused to take responsability for herself. I simply made it possible.

And when I look back, way back, to the time when we were just friends, before we were even in love, I see that her path had already been started down that dark road. She'd been a wild child, grown up and realized she couldn't keep living like that, had made all of the great plans of inspired youth full of ambition, and as I'd met her, had just been starting to slack off on actually fulfilling those plans. I just gave her excuses and opportunity, and allowed her to slack off more than she ever could have managed to had she actually still had to work to afford a place to live and food to eat.

But still, even while I can now see this, even while I know it logically, and feel the truth in it emotionally, I just can't shake the feeling that even then, somehow, I've just failed her. A husband isn't supposed to let the woman he loves fall that far from grace. I really don't know what I could have done differently that wouldn't have caused other problems, but then why should I? I'm the one that failed. That's exactly why I failed, because I couldn't see how to do it right. I mean that's why people fail, right?

I think I wish I'd never fallen in love. Had I not brought her to America, then she'd have gotten over me, and she'd never have had the opportunity to fall so far. Today she'd probably still be that bright inspired sparkling woman I fell in love with, and not the lost lazy manipulative two-faced bitch she is now. Oh what fools love makes of us all. Better to have lost than loved, and never seen the fall.

druidrocker 63F

6/24/2006 10:27 am


Do not take on her guilt - it doesn't belong to you.

All we can do as humans is give people our best - you did that.

As humans we have short comings and talents and don't always get it right. To become the person she is - those bits and pieces of who she is and was, evolved into what became her. You owe her nothing more than you have already given and she can give no more than she gave.

Grieve, mourn and feel the disappointment of the death of your dreams for your future with her BUT - DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for her contribution to the demise.

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