I Should Be Sleeping  

vrec_dawn 41M
854 posts
6/8/2006 7:09 pm

Last Read:
6/10/2006 4:21 pm

I Should Be Sleeping

I really should be.

I just can't.

It could be because I'm worried. Or depressed.

It could be because I've gotten more than 8 hours of sleep for the past two days already, and just am not tired.

It could even be that infernal inferno in the sky that just won't go down. (Man I can't wait for the Summer Solstice!)

It could be that the twixt and tween hours are too warm for a fan, but too cool for my AC to run properly. (It thinks that temperature should be read at the point of source, not at a point of contention.)

Or it could just be that my mind is simply too active at the moment.

Two things have occurred to me.

The first is that, with any luck, the third time really will be the charm, when it comes to me and love. My first love lasted for several months. My second love lasted for several years. I figure, at that rate, my third should last several decades, no? I hope that'd be long enough.

The second is that I am not a creature of the dark. I know, that probably sounds odd to you, my faithful readers. I'm such a nice guy. And that's kind of my point.

But there's a part of my personality that is, quite simply, dark. Not negative emotion dark. But simply ... dark. More ninja than samurai. More shadow than light. Too defensive to simply turn the other cheek.

Only while I was in a shitty marriage that depressed me to the core, I was much more dark than you see before you now. And I was convinced that this was who I am. There's a book called The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. I'd always thought of myself as at best the opposite: the light side of the dark chasers.

Only now I see that isn't true. What I am, goddess forbid, is all things. Not in the middle. Not a blurry grey area between. I am all things, each separate and standing alone within me. I am chaos. I am order. I am dark. I am light. They are all tools at my disposal, and which comes out depends on which I let out, or which I choose to use. Failing conscious choice, which is fed the most. Some such and the like.

And that, perhaps, is the problem. Because I am always at conflict with myself. Further, I am always at conflict with any one side. The light will not accept me without judgment, for within me is dark that will always be. Where as the dark is a dangerous place for me, with my hindrances of lightness, an achor of qualms for extremes I wish not to tread.

What I am is a shadow. So long as the light exists, I am always there, but never a part of, for it rejects me. But when darkness comes, do I have the strength to stand against such an overwhelming tide?

It reminds me of that bad guy in the movie Serenity. He knows he is a monster. He knows that he has no place in a perfect world. And he longs to see that perfect world exist, even if he can never be in it. But so long as there are evils that such as should be in that perfect world have not the strength to fight, he will lift his sword in their service, doing for them what they, by their very perfection, cannot.

Of course in his case his perfect world was in fact not so perfect at all, being created and run by heartless manipulative bastards. Where as my perfect world is ... perfect.

It reminds me of ancient Asian wisdom, of knowing when to pick up the sword, and when to put it down. But the problem is, even when those who held swords put theirs down, they are still covered in blood, and their hearts are still broken, even if what they have done has been for all the right reasons, and has served a just cause.

Well, I'm probably rambling now. I see the scroll bar has gone down far enough. And perhaps I'm a bit morbid at the moment. Honestly so though. It's all truth. Depressing truth. Sorrowful truth. But yet, it is by the very nature that allows such that I cannot wish to be any other way, for as long as some semblance of perfection can exist, it is something worth defending, even if that means I can no longer be a part of it. Oh well. When was life ever fair anyway? With any luck I'll never be called upon to become that monster, to use my sword, and I can pass through this life with love til the end.

Becca53913 58F
131 posts
6/9/2006 9:38 pm

Your soul is not at rest. You are between two worlds. Gods world and the world of darkness. Darkness every looms in us all as the nature of the beast is sinful but looking in the light is so bright for no man shall be able to look upon it. What comes with God is unconditional love in all our places. What can give that to us besides the creator? To dable in other areas is to open yourself to the darkness. Darkness loves to confuse the mind and take the light away. As you say we are all of them but we can become white as snow with the blood of the lamb. He did that for us. We do now not have to pick up any sword and have blood on us. It has already been done. So I know that this is probably not what you have in mind. I know you have other beliefs. But your soul is speaking to you. churches are not God. They are man made. A churche is only as healthy as its members. Down on the corner by the shack. That one with the light symbol. I hear tell that the guy there is awesome. Check out all your options. Re-evaluate your life. I always get restless when God tries to speak to my soul and I do not hear.
Give the book a read and then make an informed choice. Look at all the angles and then choose but make sure you have the facts for the darkness can cloud the best of vision. Vrec you are in the normal state of man kind who have not really come into their own yet and then the stress and the disappointment can be heart rendering. I pray for you to find your path for each person must make this choice. I want to let you know though that I see the light in you and the darkness at times. I hope to see you in the same place on the other side. You have a great heart and we will have awesome times if we meet on that side. Not a tear shall be shed or any illness to be had. I am so home sick for that now.
I hope your depression lifts, your love life becomes fulfilled and your hopes and dreams become reality. Stay away from the voice of darkness. You need the light and the darkness is a theif that steals into the souls of man through minipulation and false tales. The darkness likes the confussion of the world to do its evil. Stay to the light my friend!

vrec_dawn 41M

6/10/2006 4:21 pm

I feel like I've stepped into a room with my mother. She's a born again Christian, and until recently has constantly expressed her disappointment that I turned away from it.

Actually, I was raised Christian. In that sense I already accepted Jesus. Hell, I even like Jesus. I respect him. So I may end up in heaven yet. (I hope not.) But like the Jews, I don't believe he was the son of Yahweh. There's even evidence in the Bible to support that. There are enough slips in there to support that more deities than he exists, and that he's actually just the god of the Jews, no more, no less, where as Jesus is a prophet of Elohim, not the son of Yahweh.

But anywho, as I grew up and my thirst for understanding raced with my cognitive prowess, as I studied the Bible more and more, I began to realize something. I don't like god. I don't agree with his way of running things. I think he made some questionable if not downright bad choices. I don't like his style. I don't like his attitude. And the more I read, the more I tried to understand, the less I liked.

It's funny. The Bible even says that being filled with the holy spirit will give you the understanding to know him. And maybe that's true. Maybe I'd have been better off having never been touched by that, and thus having never gotten to know him. God knows I tried to love him. Tears of frustration were shed, help sought after, but all to no avail. And even in my darkest hours, in the seconds up to what could have been my last moments, I reached out to him, asking for his help. But it never came. And when that threshold was reached, the absolute last second quivering on the edge of eternity, that help finally did come, but not from the god that I was reaching out to.

So while I respect people's right to believe in him, and I even find joy in people finding joy in him, I know through and through that he and I simply will never see eye to eye. He's just not the god for me. **shrug** Sometimes that's just the way the ball bounces. So I found something else, something that I respect, and that respects me. And it was like coming home.

But I do have to point out some things here, one big one especially. Yahweh isn't unconditional love. He's most definately got a condition on it. If it were truly unconditional, there would be no need to create a hell. It may only be one condition, and one that anyone can choose (or some argue be chosen by him), but there is most definately a condition on that love. Actually, two conditions, with a byline.

The first being, of course, to accept Jesus as your savior.

The second being that, if you sin (and the byline is the list of sin-worthy offenses), you must be sorry that you sinned. For if you're not penitant, then forgiveness is not granted. And if it's not granted, no heaven for you.

Those are god's conditions. They're right there in the Bible.

You'd think that a third condition of believing in him and agreeing with him would exist, but strangely enough, that's not necessary. Go figure that one.

But anywho, if we really want to get technical, Yahweh is not just the left hand. He has two hands, a left and a right. He is not just love. He is also anger and punishment. His wrath is mighty, and his vengence switf. Or at least that's what he claims. I've yet to be struck down by a lightning bolt or any such though, so I have my doubts. Maybe he'll get me one day, but he hasn't been swift about it.

But also I'd like to point out a little fact of physics. There is no source of darkness. This is no such thing as an antiglow. Darkness cannot take light away. That is not within its power. Darkness is an absense of light. So the creator of the light also created the darkness, because before light was created neither concept existed. You simply can't have one without the other. And it is in fact the light that makes the darkness. Where do shadows come from? They come from the light.

Where did Lucifer come from if god didn't create him? Why did Cain kill Abel? What were the sins of the angels that were cast out of heaven? Who in the garden lied about "you shall surely die", the serpent, or god? Is a mirage a trick of the darkness, or a trick of the light? Which is more blinding, complete darkness, or a light so strong that it burns out the retina? Oh, sure, the darkness lies. But don't for a second think that the light is innocent in all things. One advantage to having a freedom of choice is to chose when to believe the light (or the dark) and when not to.

And if man never needed to pick up the sword, then why do we have policemen, firemen, soldiers, etc.? We have them because man has choice, because for all the good that the light is, the one thing it doesn't do is prevent or stop bad things from happening. And if it were truly the perfection of absolute unconditional love, it would be completely incapable of striking out in any way, because that is not an act of love. You cannot respect someone's right to live while you strike them down. In the presence of imperfection, perfection can only exist so long as the imperfect are willing to protect it.

The way I see it, if god had truly loved us perfectly and unconditionally, we would have been created without free will, and been forever incapable of sin. And we would have all lived happily ever after in perfection. We would have had heaven right then and there from the beginning. So either god gave us free will because he is not perfect, or we have free will because god lacked the omnipotence to take it away.

But then, I also may be crazy. (Or at least in your opinion too tainted by the darkness to see the light.)

And you know what? That's okay. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and goodness knows there's enough room here on Earth for us all, no matter how warped we may be.

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