You Are Gonna Put That Thing Where?????  

travelingintexas 42M
posts
10/1/2005 2:52 pm
You Are Gonna Put That Thing Where?????

Background Music:
YMCA


As many of you know, I use this blog to get things off my chest that may be keeping me back from realizing my full potential. In so doing, I realized last night, I have an important story to share. I think it will help me in my quest to become the Traveling I some day hope to be.

About eight years ago, I had some major stomach issues. Lots of pain in my abdomen, etc. They ran tests and couldn’t figure out what it was. So they sent me to a Urologist. So, unsuspecting me, I walk into a room and they tell me I need to have an enema. Ummmmm… OK. Never had one of those before this day. How bad could it be right?

OH MY GOD!!! I don’t know if you know this, but when you get an enema, what they do is they take one of those funnels you use for car oil, stick it in your hinny hole and back you up to the working end of a fire hydrant. Not only that, they use the big ol’ wrench to open the floodgates from the fire hydrant, pump you full of pressurized water (Tiller- How fast does that water come out anyway?) and then the nurse looks at you and says “Hold it in for as long as you can!”

OK… Now I don’t like to normally make a big scene. So I immediately whispered, “OK, I am done holding it.” She looked at me like I would fail a test if I didn’t hold it longer. “Crap…” I mumbled to myself. So I counted to ten. “OK, I am done holding it now.” Again that look.

So I have just been pumped for of fire hydrant water, evil nurse is looking at me like I am a wussy and I am thinking “Damn right I am a wussy. That much water doesn’t go up there. Oh yea, take that funnel out of my butt hole.”

So I held on for all I was worth. I mean I really did. I squeezed and squeezed, clinched my butt checks together, and after 10 more seconds said “OK, I am done holding it now.” I mean, its been 30 seconds. Evil. I haven’t seen that much evil in a person since I met DTOX and Cruella .

By this time, I am done. I won’t share this part of the story. Lets just say, I gave that fire hydrant a run for its money.

So, I limp back into the exam room. I sit down on the table with absolutely no dignity left. As I sit there, close to tears now, she opens up this wall case. Inside the wall case are large black hoses, some 20 feet in length and I am not lying. Evil nurse say’s “Oops, those are for women.” So she goes over to another wall case, opens it up and it’s the same dang thing. She lifts one off the hook it is hanging on and brings it over next to me.

I have absolutely NO IDEA what is going on. All I know is I am doing as I am told. She comes over and hooks one end of the hose up to the machine setting on the table. She then holds up the other end of the hose which has a rotating head and picks up a joystick looking thing. She then proceeds to say “Look, it has cruise control” and begins turning the rotating head with the joystick. Suddenly, a light dawns in my head. I durn near passed out. No way in HELL are they gonna stick that big ol’ thing up my hinney hole. But it was like a cobra holding me in its thrall. I couldn’t move. I weaved back in forth to the sound of the mechanical head turning.

The Doctor came in at that moment. I was too scared to even speak. I just nodded numbly and laid on my side. Away from them. The doctor didn’t even kiss me first. Although there was a cool thing. I got to see my recent washed out parts on video right in front of my face.

OK My friends. I don’t know if you have ever had this procedure done. I was wide awake. That freaking hose had to be 17 inches in circumference. The worst part, to get it to open up, they would push a button on the joystick and it would force air into me. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! I could feel the air in my toes. So, I am laying there taking the king kong hose in my hinney hole wishing I had the oil funnel again, wanting my momma, trying not to cry, watching this on TV, listening to evil nurse snicker and the Doctor mumble crap, I do the only thing I know to do. I make a joke.

Now mind you. Austin, which is were I was having this done is the liberal bastion of Texas. Its official motto is “Keep Austin Weird.” So I have 45 feet of garden hose in my butt, the nurse is now adding on more hose with a clamp, I am going back and forth between tears and crying out for momma again and I say the only thing that comes to mind.

“NOW I KNOW WHY I AM NOT GAY!” and then I chuckled because at that moment, it was the funniest thing I had ever heard and it kept me sane.

Everything stopped. The nurse stopped clamping new hose on. The Doctor stopped mumbling and playing with the joystick and they just looked at me. And I thought to myself, of all the gay nurses and Doctors in the entire world, I had to get the two in Austin.

I limped out of that hospital, talking to myself, feeling violated and went home and cried myself to sleep. It wasn’t until later that I found out, they normally put you to sleep for that stupid procedure.


frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
10/1/2005 3:38 pm

ROFLMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo, oh my god, I am crying................... I just had to have that done, no enema TG, but I was also put to sleep. They were checking for scar tissue buiild up and seeing if it had started to tear into my intestines... . Have you seen Robin Williams, LIve on Broadway, 2001?? He does a skit on this >>LMAO.. you become your own Outboard Evenrudd...SO TRUE>>> T

T




dano6332 57M

10/1/2005 4:07 pm

LMFAO Hey buddy I was just thinking that the next time your thinking of trying anal with that special gal your going to hear a big NO in your head. Glad you enjoyed yourself and after reading this next time I get the old protate exam I promise to not use that joke.


spinmedown 50M
3626 posts
10/1/2005 4:39 pm

LMAO...no, that's not funny....
You definitely met your deductable on that trip alone! LOL
Dang, I've laughed so much my keister's sore.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde


digdug41 50M

10/1/2005 4:48 pm

hey trav that is the funniest thing I've heard all day omg I would've dealt with the pain an ran my ass home great post dudelmmfao

roaming the cyber streets of blogland


ThumbChickStool 34F

10/1/2005 4:58 pm

Awww, poor T. I'm sure that must have been horrifying. Makes for a pretty funny read though.


rm_luke69iner 49M
3275 posts
10/1/2005 5:17 pm

ROFLMAO

Trav sorry to add insult to injury but a Urologist works with the peepee dude

It's the Proctologist and GI Specialist that work on the end they were rumaging in

DUDE YOU BEEN VIOLATED

but since you said you had stomach issues maybe it was legit

if you go to the dentist tho and they pull out the butt camera hose on you i would start to worry


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


rm_jayR63 60F
1884 posts
10/1/2005 5:28 pm

The usual procedure for an endoscopy is have the patient prep himself by clear liquid diet and self-enema the day before. Then they put the patient under anesthesia.
Was this dr. Mengele or was it Dr. Nick from the Simpsons?


Goldenhairgodess 64F
396 posts
10/1/2005 5:48 pm

Comments by patients during Colonoscopies

Can be read in my Blog-It was given to me by my neiece who is a Nurse

I have not had that done as of yet. These patients were not asleep so

I do not know how common that is.


sincitybrunette 56F
1668 posts
10/1/2005 6:19 pm

I can only say thank you, for sharing the funniest thing I have read in a while. I have never heard an enema described quite like that before, and I actually worked for the doc who did em.....didn't take long for me to find a new job...........


Sweetest_Sin_Jes 37F

10/1/2005 7:25 pm

They could have at least had the decency to tell you to open up and say "ahhhhh"! LOL!

Jess


DefiniteTrouble 51F

10/1/2005 8:15 pm

lmfaooooooooooooooooo...I think this is funnier than your lighter explosion.

Evil??? Me??? Imagine.


tillerbabe 57F

10/1/2005 8:49 pm

Ummmmmmmm. how do I make this better??????....Kisses....okay...{=} {=} {=}


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
10/1/2005 10:53 pm

You might have tried some prune juice nad suppositories at home first...LOL.
Might have saved you a trip...


rm_PeanutJackie 37F
1286 posts
10/2/2005 8:00 pm

wait a minute, why didn't they put you under for it?????

but omg i couldn't help but laugh!


"I am beautiful no matter what you say, words can't bring me down. So don't you bring me down today."


barbiebunny 37F
5597 posts
10/2/2005 8:03 pm

well like it was a surprise you were full of crap!
~~Evil Cruella xoxoxo

Its good to be...ME


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
10/3/2005 12:22 am

LOL...Bunny... haha

...and Trav... sad, just sad...LOL


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