Within These Shadows...  

travelingintexas 42M
2/19/2006 8:26 pm
Within These Shadows...

It has been a while since I have been here. Why now? I do not know. I know these feelings and fears all to well. They are much like a well worn book filled with false lies and deceit that I secretly covet in these moments, much like an old lady covets her well worn bible.

Included in this book are the false stories I tell myself during these times. What brings it on I do not know, yet I know they are feelings and emotions that seem ever so real to this tired man.

I look around this tiny hotel room tonight and see the clutter of a trip and an unmade bed. I can sense myself projected into this room. Am I truly cluttered and unmade? Or is it that I am just undone? All the jeers and taunts rise up slowly as waifs, low and quiet yet rising in intensity as they call to me and share with me just how unworthy I am. Useless, unlovable, not needed, breaker of hearts and without purpose are my theme songs, my hearts anthems sung from their broken lips.

They sing their rising songs, accompanied by jangled music that erodes all the walls against them I have built like acid eating without care through glass. All the tricks, all the ways I have used to defend myself against this onslaught of self loathing and ridicule are weak against their numbers. So there on the floor of my mind and heart, I cower. Refusing to believe their words that share the story of my iniquities, yet their song is so sweet. Ever so much sweeter and seductive than any nude goddess, beautful beyond imagining and placed before my eyes could ever desire to be. My feet are never quick enough to outrun the soul shattering song of the cloaked Siren! Could it be true? Could it be possible?

And yet I fight on…

And on…

And on…

“You crawling bastard, get up” I say to myself over and over again.

Yet it seems so useless. The same voice rings out and says “You were never walking, just stumbling along!”

The words, so easily spoken, resonate within me. Am I just stumbling? Have I really not stood yet? Is it a lie? Am I really not strong enough?

So the cycle continues here in this place of isolation.

I go to bed now, hoping that tomorrow is a new day and that these lies I have believed in for so long, that have been absent for a while, are mere phantoms in the morning…

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
2/20/2006 1:22 am

The human condition is many faceted, many of which are shared by all. For some reason, belief in our self-worth seems to be an aspect of being human that is extremely fragile and tenuous. Not for a few, but for most.

We each have our own unique reasons for those tapes of loathing and self-doubt. But the result is the same.

How do we overcome them? We do exactly what you are doing. We try our best at any given moment. Sometimes the doubting voices yell the loudest. But more often than not, they don't.

The walls that we built are good temporary shelter; they are a means for us to work on dissolving those ancient tapes. Little by little, often tediously.

But as the critical mass shifts, and the beliefs begin the outnumber the doubts, the walls begin to dissolve on their own. Not at the hand of acidlike destruction, but because they are no longer needed.

And guess what. It does happen, it does get better, the beliefs DO eventually overtake the doubts. Eventually.

But in the meantime, shit happens. And at those times, going to bed and hoping for those old doubts to be mere phantoms in the morning is the best we can do. That and writing an eloquently written account of it all to a bunch of friends.

But the time you read this, it will be the next day. And that ALWAYS happens. Huh?

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

JeersPilarSaver 36F

2/20/2006 4:33 am

damn,,,just when i felt like that today, i read ure blog. so i know exactly how u feel same shit different day. i really need someone to hug me now
yes, hope tomorrow will be better

HBowt2 60F

2/20/2006 4:56 am

Your words will touch and resonate within most people...we all have those lies and self doubts that fill us and take over occassionally. And you are walking....never for a moment believe that you are crawling...you just get knocked down every so often by life....but you will get back up.... i know...

Kaliedascope61 43M
4084 posts
2/20/2006 6:45 am

they are always phantoms in the morning.

DTduzDallas 51F

2/20/2006 7:17 am

..."Useless, unlovable, not needed, breaker of hearts and without purpose..."

Useless? No dear, because you have a purpose. We all have a purpose. I have no idea what mine is either, but I know I have one. Realizing it fully may take many years. I quit trying to find it on my own, knowing it will present itself when it's appropriate.

Not needed? I bet your kids would disagree. I disagree. There's no one I need more in my life than you.

Unlovable? Your family loves you. Your friends love you. I love you.

Breaker of hearts? We watched you bend over backward to prevent hurting someone after she attempted to rip your heart out through your throat. There's no one I trust more with my heart.

I can't believe the words "I'm bored" translated into this post last night. I'm biting my tongue. Maybe I should bite yours instead.

aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
2/20/2006 9:11 am

I too am going through the same crap that you are... I have not done the things that you have done, nor can I say that I feel your pain, buy what I can say is that everyone is huanted. There are no words that I can say to help you, as you're well more knowledgable about digging out of this shit than I, but I can say that we all have our own problems.

Just know that your humor and awesome character (percieved or not) are an inspiration for numerous others on here. Your blog has helped me snap out of pissy moods. I know that it's often lonely at the top, but it shows great character in admitting your current self-defeat.

Just my thoughts.

rm_DaphneR 59F
8023 posts
2/20/2006 3:10 pm

Yeah, what DT said.

And...The same voice rings out and says “You were never walking, just stumbling along!”

You walked just fine. I was the one that tripped over the brick.

Love you Brat.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

SpunkNLace 48F

2/20/2006 7:40 pm

It could almost be verse for verse as well as same page hmmm


DTduzDallas 51F

2/21/2006 5:41 am

See, what Daph said. Throw in a lesbian duo and a leather clad bunny, and jeeeeeeeeeeeeez...how could you ever feel alone? Now hush. **smack**

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
2/22/2006 1:26 am

Yeah, and then escort the three of them to a tropical getaway!!!!!!!

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

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