Traveling the Backhills: Retro Trav Sunday  

travelingintexas 42M
3/19/2006 12:56 pm
Traveling the Backhills: Retro Trav Sunday

I am sort of enjoying bringing back up some of my older stuff that many of you probably never read. This post was written on August 18, 2005 in Starbucks. I get a lot out of reading some of the older stuff on a personal level, especialy since it is a snapshot of my journey into who I am today. So I am off today to do what I encouraged myself to do in August of last year!


Would You Choose An Early Death?

Background Music:
None... Total Silence

Admit it. You have morbid tendencies. Which is why you clicked on this blog.

Many of us that blog on this site are highly charged and emotional people. Our ups and downs are documented on a daily basis. However, every time I hit one of my lows I am quietly reminded in the recesses of my mind of the following: To give up with no dream in this life is to die, but still breathe.

Depression. Grief. Sorrow. Anguish. Torture. Amazing pain that consumes my spirit and my heart, dragging me to the depths of my experience. An overwhelming and eccentric desire to give up, refuse to move, to assume the worst and expect nothing more. Pessimism becomes my hearts cry. An agent of loathing settles over every movement my body and mind make.

Overwhelming sorrows creeps up and says because of these certain circumstances, I cannot or should not continue on. Give up it cries from the farthest corners of my heart. That empty place of nothingness, that void that has become my existence.

Quietly… Quietly… I am reminded of a life. One to live. One to share. Delight. Pleasure. Bliss. Ecstasy. Elation. Wonder. Get up speaks another voice. You must live. You must hope. You must shine. You must anticipate. You must dream and expect greater things than have yet to be conceived. You are more than enough. A treasure. You must expect again as expectation breeds results that breeds joy.

There is a warring clash within my soul from both sides of this battle. Conflict. Warfare. Confrontation. Hostilities. Feud. Battle. Do I look down in death and defeat, experiencing my days through the eyes of a cold lifeless corpse? Or do I believe in a purpose, a dream, an overwhelming heart call to a full life. I can not, you can. I will not, you will.

Tired, so tired. This inner war that no one sees. This war that battles for the redemption of one life in chaos. So much loss. So much life. So much hurt. So much hope. So much pain. So much more to partake in. This is a violent war that is led in the deepest corners of our hearts. Turning over in time with our heartbeat and an outcome uncertain.

Death or life. Our choice. Our option. What is our true desire? What is the point? Why have a point? Held under this place, this isolation cloaking our lungs like water. Refusal to breath but the body in natural response grasping for sweet air. A breath of hope. A breath of ability. A breath dare we say, of love. It is our natural desire. One we can not control on our own. Our bodies thirst for life. The primal urge to breath deeply of life bringing sweet air.

So what do you choose? Death today or life today? A life enshrouded in purpose and vigilance, that does not lose to the odds but creates it own odds. That makes the bet. That swings for life and grants hope, purpose and value to others. Expect. Anticipate. Trust. Wish. Look forward to. Aspiration. Faith. Faith. Faith that coming over the horizon is something greater, something irreplaceable that you just cannot see. But it is coming…

It is coming!

Original Post:
Would you Choose an Early Death 3 Comments

benibluetwo 48F

3/19/2006 1:16 pm

Well, I have a pragmatic view on life and death since I work in a dementia and alzheimers unit. I do not fear death, but I do fear when it will occur. Given the choice I want to make sure my daughter is at least 18. If I can chose again after that....make sure she is well on the road in her career and hopefully in love if not married.

Death does not scare me...just the when...and the how.

You do not miss anything when you is the ones you leave behind who cry and scream "Why Dear Lord? Why her? She was perfect and caring...the best of everything...neighbour (note Canadian spelling)...lover...friend....!!! WHY!!!"

(Or at least that is how I imagine my five day funeral as televised will take place.)




travelingintexas replies on 3/19/2006 3:41 pm:
5 day televised funeral.... I like your thinking!

I was gonna have them take out a full page add on the front page of the newspaper for me but I like your idea better!


rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
3/19/2006 1:40 pm

You know you really are a great writer Texas, I am serious. But if you keep going retro I think you should be forced to wear plaid polyester bellbottoms, its only fair.

travelingintexas replies on 3/19/2006 3:22 pm:
This blog is officialy dressed in Plaid Polyester Bellbottoms...

Can you do polyester curdoroy?

travelingintexas replies on 3/19/2006 3:37 pm:
Oops.... I got so carried away dressing up I forgot to say thank you for the great compliment Saint! Ya just made my day!


Allsleeky 37F

3/19/2006 4:37 pm

Great post!!
I'm not scared of death as much as much as I am scared of pain and suffering prior to death. The circumstances in which death will occur is what scares me.
I choose life for today and always.

travelingintexas replies on 3/19/2006 5:21 pm:
When I die... I want to go like my grandfather did all peacefully in his sleep... Not like all the other people in the car that were yelling and screaming!

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
3/19/2006 5:57 pm

Cordoroy? No way, it makes that swishing sound when your thighs rub together.

travelingintexas replies on 3/19/2006 6:13 pm:
Of course.... but if ya do it fast enough it sounds like a zipper... and it kinda turns me on!

want2play926 46F

3/20/2006 8:22 am

Death....death is not the bad part for is the getting dead that bothers me!

i watched my mother go from full of life to a body laying in a bed. That is the hard thing...

I want to go to like your my sleep. This is why we must live each day to the fullest and fuck everyone that wants to bring you down and give you heart ache.....

Glad to see you are home and had a great time with your kids Trav!

EyeCandy33333 45F
761 posts
3/20/2006 10:32 pm

There have been times-that it seemed like an option-less painful than the living hell option-guess you had to live in my life to know what that would mean. But, in weighing it out, it would create more problems than it would solve(by my reasoning)-for others-so it's always about the others.
How do we know people go in peace?-we don't-we hope-we pray-we live through each day!

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