The Dark Side of Traveling.....  

travelingintexas 42M
8/23/2005 3:51 pm
The Dark Side of Traveling.....

Background Music:
Coldplay, Square One

I attempt to use humor to cover up the pain I have gone through the past few months. It is my way of escapism, to remove myself from the reality of my world and retreat into a safe place where “nobody knows my name.” However, I find myself in here, still reaching out from solitude to others around the nation and the world. To fill the empty moments of each day of which there seems to be many of them now. I know this is not the type of post that attracts great numbers of comments and views as it is personal and not light in nature. This is where I am today though and to be true to myself, this is my story.

Trudging. That is the word that comes to mind. Seems my feet are mired in thick mud that will not let go, that holds me back. In the few moments I am on here during the day or night, I can spark a laugh or a smile but in the other 23 hours, I am alone. No children, no partner, no family, no friends. How have I gotten to this place? I get comments on here, the interaction I feed off of, that connects me to others but even this is tentative. If I stop posting, I lose the connection. There are millions of other blogs, someone waiting in the wings.

I sleep late, get up and I binge on here through the verbiage of others and their worlds, attempting to fill a void in my heart, in my soul and in my spirit. Does it fix it? I don’t know. I know it salves the wounds for a while but the pain is unbearable at times, beyond a simple salve. It goes much deeper. Cutting into places I cannot begin to describe.

I, Traveling, struggle.

I struggle with depression. I struggle with feelings of failure. I feel I have let my loved ones down, those that believe in me, and it destroys me on the inside. There is nothing worse to me than feeling condemnation, real and imagined, because I have let down those that are most important to me.

I currently, as you know, live alone. What you don’t know is that I hide from that alone time. Run from it. I can’t stand the sensation of quiet and isolation. Because it is in this time I have to and must deal with who I, Traveling, really am. The secret places of my heart that only I know about. The part the is so easily defined by the “self-talk” that we all do. Failure, Loser, Evil, Traitor, Cheat, and so on, echo in the recesses of my mind. I struggle with those words. Try to piece them together in some semblance of understanding.

I am weary. Because of my situation, I cannot officially “start over” yet. So I am currently hanging in an in between stage of the unknown which drives me insane. My world is normally one of ordered chaos. It is not drama but one where I have roots and everything bounces and shifts around those roots. However, without my roots, I feel lost and afraid. Jumping at every sound in the night and unsure of whom I am. The quiet in these moments is stifling and overbearing. It is at this time I feel a great need to just be able to reach out and know someone is near.

I find myself wondering how someone like me, loving, kind and caring has come to a place that separates me from everything I hold dear. What is this thing that I have done, not out of malice or spite, that has in many ways injured everyone I hold dear to my heart and will I be able to once again reach out and feel loved and accepted, not through my deeds but because of who I am. Worthy. I need to feel worthy, yet I am not. Honor. I desire to offer others honor but yet I do not feel worthy. I close my eyes and the terror of isolation overwhelms me to the very core. At times even breathing is difficult. The sense of shame I see in the eyes of others is unbearable and I question my sanity and worth once again.

Where I desire light all I see is darkness. Where I desire love I sense loneliness. And where I desire worth I am found wanting. What must I do to end this trial? How do I yet again feel final completion?

rm_sj365 57F
2414 posts
8/23/2005 5:07 pm

Your previous posts always made me giggle. This post makes me like you....and want to hug you...hard & long.

LustGoddess2469 51F  
2453 posts
8/23/2005 5:50 pm

Love yourself first, and to thy own self be true.

Reach out to others, as you are doing here, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Although some of us are miles away, we share your pain and want to hold you, comfort you, chase back the darkness into the deepest recesses of a faraway place. You aren't alone - we are here for you, holding out our hands to help steady you, offering our shoulders to help carry your burden, and listening to every word you care to share with us.

Just get through today, and tomorrow will take care of itself. Give yourself time to heal. Everyone deserves that.

Lusty (((((hugs to you)))))

rm_WickedFemale 64F
401 posts
8/23/2005 6:05 pm

In the midst of movement and chaos.....keep stillness deep inside of you....
Be well...

Synn74 43F
1206 posts
8/23/2005 7:25 pm

((((hugs)))))))) TT you have forever found a friend in my world door is always open. ALWAYS

I welcome you to the House of Syn...

AtomicKisss 59M

8/23/2005 8:07 pm

I hear your pain. I'll send you an e-mail...

Synn74 43F
1206 posts
8/23/2005 10:40 pm


I welcome you to the House of Syn...

sweetthang2877 41F
534 posts
8/24/2005 1:35 am

I too have been lost in that void. I have only recently realized that the answer is within me. If I cannot appreciate what I have being alone, then what good is it to look elsewhere for appreciation?
Believe it or don't. You have to love who YOU are before someone else can. Don't worry about what others think...their opinions are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. You are intelligent, funny, witty, and a great conversationalist. No hope is lost there

Enjoy life for its simple pleasures....


rm_texassally 59F

8/24/2005 10:05 am

Who'd a thunk it??? On this site to find the brave honesty you and others here are sharing. I have tears running down my face. Reading your post was like someone crawled inside my pain and put it in words for me. And I thank you so very much as well as the other wonderful people that have offered you such beautiful words of support! You know the saying "everything happens for a reason" and all the other euphamisiums (is that the right word) we use to discrib either very difficult, sad or happy events in our lives.... well I am struck by it at this very moment... I find reading your words... the funny, off the wall, weird and painfull ones to be very healing for me... so once again I thank you! And, as weird as this may be to say here, you are also in my prayers.

rm_txrose4uNTX 58F
3289 posts
8/24/2005 1:40 pm

Driving through Temple last night, I had wondered where you were hiding so that I could give you a hug and say, "Hi!"..... I think that all you need is a jumpstart. Been there -- in that limbo stage..... but a jumpstart often works wonders.

Hoping that you had a fabulous birthday.....

I am heading off to work now....after taking a shower to take away the heat.



EroGenOusKitty 42F

8/24/2005 8:33 pm

~When the heart is enlivened again, it feels like the sun coming out after a week of rainy days. There is hope in the heart that chases the clouds away. Hope is a higher heart frequency and as you begin to reconnect with your heart, hope is waiting to show you new possibilities and arrest the downward spiral of grief and loneliness. It becomes a matter of how soon you want the sun to shine. Listening to the still, small voice in your heart will make hope into a reality.

Dreaming in Color and Living in Texture...Ero

Barbiebunny69 44F

8/25/2005 2:05 pm

*grabs your head looks deep into your eyes*
Hear me well.
Your pain is payment for the realization that you, as Gods creature here, as you live and breathe..Is ENOUGH.

You are Enough. Worthy. And Loveable.
Now..go back to starbucks and get solid with that.


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