In My Quest To Understand  

travelingintexas 42M
9/21/2005 1:51 pm
In My Quest To Understand

Many of you know that I struggle with depression. I deal with it best if I deal with it here I have found. I write the below in response to the last few days. I have silently pulled away from you while trying to keep a happy face on and the lie doesn't work. Living this lie is not enough. I must put it to rest. I let go of the rope. Will you throw it to me again? Please?

Deep within the hidden place that you cannot see is a swirling mass of loathing. It bubbles up and grips at the edge of my subconscious thought first, it tenderly touches the nerve centers of my brain, testing the strength of my resolves, measuring itself against me. I am strong it senses, stronger than before. It though is relentless. It knows the place to touch when others don’t. It knows my weakest place and probes there, seeking to weaken my resistance. It places doubt and self pity in those places and tells me I am unworthy of love, of acceptance, of grace, of being treasured. And I believe it.

Sleep comes, blessed sleep. The place I can hide. The place I do not dream. Here I do not have to face the realities of the day but can give myself to bliss of nothingness. Awakening from this place I despise and it grows stronger. Self loathing cycles through and I become angry at me. Mad at my inability to control. What is wrong with me? Chemical? Weak? I feel I let my friends down. I hurt others. I am not enough. So the lies say. So I tell myself. And the work of the "thing" is done because I take ownership of the lie and run with it. I am my own man and believe the sharp edges of the lie. And I live it.

Opression. Depression. What is the difference? Both are a cloud. Both make it difficult to see. Force me to work to open my eyes. Bring a glaze to them. Will release never be found from my hated enemy? Or will I always be dogged by this lie that torments the very fiber of my being!

barbiebunny 37F
5597 posts
9/21/2005 3:04 pm

(huggs and gives u boobie smoosh... ....cracks are where our light shines thru, and even in your restlessness confessing here....your beautiful light shines bright from a monster that robbs u of pride.. )

Its good to be...ME

ThumbChickStool 34F

9/21/2005 4:48 pm

I know the feeling, and I know how hard it is to overcome. And overcome you must, because in giving in do you lose all sense of self.


dano6332 57M

9/21/2005 7:46 pm

Trav, You cant lie to your friends and you also know we are here for you whenever and whatever

KhaosKitty 43F
123 posts
9/21/2005 7:46 pm

I've been there, darling. Well, not exactly there. No one can ever experience exactly what someone else does. But I have been closer than most would care to admit. You are adored. Remember that. You have friends who care about you simply because you ARE you.

You need to do something for yourself now. Not to make someone else happy. Not to placate them. Entirely for yourself. Be it buying yourself a new cup of coffee or driving fast with all your windows open and screaming out the window. And, most importantly, talk. We can't help what we don't know.


rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
9/21/2005 7:51 pm

The rope is always there. Always.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

rm_bella_ 48F
4030 posts
9/21/2005 8:45 pm

Trav...we all feel this urge to hide and sleep, to avoid most of the hours of the day in an effort not to have to feel and think. Be positive and remember that your self talk is one of the most important things. We are all looking out for you...always.

rm_luke69iner 49M
3275 posts
9/21/2005 10:17 pm

best wishes


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo

(Juan S)
2642 posts
9/22/2005 12:05 am

If you discover that answer before I do, please forward the information...
This is what I have been might help you, it at least made me smile...

Thanks for being there when I needed ya Trav...hope I am returning the favor...

tillerbabe 57F

9/22/2005 2:17 am

What "tapes" run in your head that feed this demon? Erase them! Start writing your own! Listen to the love that showers down on you sweet man.....this is where the truth is.
My "rope" is infinite.....grab on.....

rm_CookieLips2 62M

9/22/2005 6:58 am

TiT, HA! Nice new nick-name, huh? I am not a Doctor and you know it but I think that I can speak from experience. Your depression stems from your seperation from you wife and I know that you know this. You go through stages after the seperation. I think that you have been through the sadness, the guilt, are part way through the anger stage and have now decided to let the depression set in. Notice that I said "let"? You have choices and you don't need to let any thing happen to you that you do not want to happen or aren't willing to accept. HumboldtHonni has some great advice! Get out of Starbucks! The caffeine and all that sugar are messing with your blood sugar levels and you are putting your head through hell. I realize that things do take time to get over and I also know that you will get over things that happened in your past.......If you decide to let it.

digdug41 50M

9/22/2005 11:16 am

hey trav,listen man we all have our moments but you have to hold on an not let this monster win because I know I fight that shit too and it's been getting easier to cope when you go to sleep and wake up its still there figure out what it is and get to the solution of it
and it'll get better it'll take time everything is a process but it's a start hang in there bro you'll be just fine!

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

slidein2meplz 63F
1994 posts
9/22/2005 10:08 pm

Trav, I don't know you very well, but I've been visiting your blog quite frequently this past week or so and I just wanted to give positive support. I don't think there are many of us who haven't at one time or another experienced depression. I know I have, more times than I care to remember, but something that was given to me by a friend a long time ago helped a lot and I would like to share that with you. "Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both suffering and joy as facts of life and continue (in faith) no matter what happens. Then you will experience bondless joy from the law (whatever it is in terms of your faith) Strengthen your faith more than ever". Always know that obviously there are a great many people who do care...even the one's who barely know you. I will send peaceful thought your way.... Sincerely, Slide.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~

ThumbChickStool 34F

9/23/2005 12:17 am

Just saw my therapist today. And she had some sensible advice for me that I'm going to pass on to you: take a day and indulge. Spend a full 24 hours throwing a mini-pity party. Feel as depressed as you need to be. The day after you can go back to fighting the fight, and hopefully it will be easier. I'm going to do that someday soon, I hope.

Become a member to create a blog