I Knew Its Presence  

travelingintexas 42M
4/19/2006 12:01 am
I Knew Its Presence

God it is hot. 101 degrees today. Yea, in August and September that is normal but in April, that is absurd and unheard of. I must have used too many cans of hairspray or something and brought it in on myself.

As I write this, it is 12:44AM. I laid in bed tonight for an hour but I am too hot. I have two oscillating fans blowing on me, each on opposite sides of the bed, a ceiling fan on high and the AC is set on 70. Still too freaking hot. One of those “lay on your stomach and when you roll over you can feel the sweat on your chest” nights. The heat does weird things to a person, makes them think strange thoughts. I had my share tonight as I lay there. I’ll come back to that.

Earlier tonight I stood on my parents’ upper balcony off of my fathers’ home office. To get a picture of this balcony, one should know it stands 40 feet from the ground. Their backyard is basically woods, yet drops drastically down 400 feet to a local river that borders the back of their property. Behind the river is miles and miles, acre upon acre, of farmland. When you stand on the upper balcony and face the river you are looking due west. Why does this matter? Because I want to paint a pathetic picture of the storm I watched tonight while standing up there.

It blew in at dusk. When I say blew, I mean BLEW in. It was a fantastic Texas Electrical Wind storm and I haven’t seen its like in a long time. It was still 95 degrees, even as the sky in the east darkened into night. As I watched from that upper balcony leaning against the railing, this magnificent storm blew in from the south. With the sky darkening behind me, I watched as the storm raced towards me and in the west, I watched as the sun dipped below the horizon, the western sky lit in amazing yellows, oranges and pinks, while the angry sky rushing towards me from the south brought dark, green boiling clouds shattered by amazing lightening and phenomenally powerful winds but very little rain.

I watched the farmlands behind the property, miles of it and the dust and detritus that the winds stirred there. It would be very still, almost oppressively still and hot where I stood surveying this wonder of nature, yet I could literally hear the winds as they started in the farmlands and I listened to it rush over the river and up the hill to shatter the stillness around me with amazing power. Limbs would break around me, a gorgeous set of wind chimes below by the pool would clang in response, I would wipe the dust from my eyes, and then as it died down everything would get quiet again, until the next surge could be heard beginning out over the farmland and rushing up the hill towards me once more.

Amazingly, I was reminded of standing on a beach and listening to the roar of the waves as they roll towards me and then recede. These winds were the same, and it was gorgeous, yet I could not see it, although I knew its presence.

As I lay in bed tonight, hot and sweating in my sheets, thoughts from a long time ago popped into my mind. Imaginings, old fantasies and actions I took. For some reason, I recalled my senior year girlfriend. It struck me because I remember a late Friday night when we first started dating. It was late at night and we laid on a rock outcropping 50 feet above our local lake. I had never laid hands on her in a sexual sense. Yet tonight I remembered her rolling me over that night, hard rock against my back, clothed, her back to the lake with stars the only light and she crawled on top of me. How many hours passed that she sat atop me, gently grinding into me and increasing the pressure and speed as we lazily kissed, I do not know, yet I know we both came and flesh never touched flesh. How odd it struck me tonight in my remembering that the first time I entered her was in a car behind an old Wal-Mart, and slathered in stolen KY Jelly, I took her ass, yet did not enter her front for weeks after that night. The thought occurred that with her, on the way back from a Friday night Football game, on the side of the interstate at a rest stop in the back seat, we 69ed, our first oral experience as a couple. I distinctly remembered 5 different police officers tapping on our car window. I remembered buying her a teddy and stocking at age 17 or 18 and at an older friend’s house, the way she looked in candlelight.

I remember taking her in her bed after school, in the car, at my house and in hotel rooms of questionable taste. I remember picking her up after school from the place where the swim team practiced. She wet and in a towel and bathing suit and my hand always finding its way to her body. I remember the feel of her skin on one side of my hand, her nipple between my fingers and wet bathing suit on the other side of my hand. I remember her taste. I remember her tears. I remember her eyes and her laugh. I broke her heart that summer after we graduated. Looking back, I would have handled it differently. I left her for no good reason and she was heartbroken.

I remembered tonight as I lay there in the heat her lashing out at me late at night on the phone. She had gone out on a date with some guy she worked with and slept with him. In the way of teenage love, she made sure I knew the details. I remember crying myself to sleep that night and I remember my vengeance and anger the next day. I remember showing up at her home and unplanned she and her new lover showed up at the same time. I remember the 18 year old righteous anger I possessed and destroying the poor sod there in front of her house. I remember leaving him crying on the pavement and following her inside. She wanted me there. She wanted this. In the way of wild hearted, 18 year old love, I was fighting for her and she fed from it.

I remember standing in her bedroom with her new lover locked out and whining. I recall our heated exchange and my savage desire to prove my manliness to her the only way I knew how, sexually and with overwhelming surety. I remembered tonight, her accusing me of breaking her heart, the heart that loved me still fully and wanted only me. She just wanted to be needed and wanted she said and as I stood there I wanted to be more than she had ever had before. I now had the single goal of proving I was better than that crying sack of shit I had just left outside on the pavement. I remember taking her and her taking me back. It was primitive, powerful, bold and most of all, it was harsh and ugly. There was no love. There was no compassion or tenderness. Primal, rough and total lust abounded and I destroyed her body with mine. There was no foreplay. No kissing. I remember taking her and entering her; her barely wet and with complete force and unconcern I entered her. I remember the feel of her as I savagely entered. My cock hard and strong and her small body barely ready and forced to yield and accept me inside of her. I recall her tears mixing with her cries of pleasure. I remember the feel of her strong legs, held wide in my hands as I pulverized and buried myself inside her over and over again. I remembered tonight the sounds of our skin slapping against one another and how wet she was. I couldn’t have hit her harder had I been using my hands and not my body. There was no love. There was no forgiveness.

I desired to annihilate any image of anyone else in her mind. I desired to make her pay, make her hurt, make her weep, make her beg, make her wish this hell was over while at the same time I wanted to make her need, make her remember, make her want, make her desire me and only me. This was pure animalistic lust, me taking her out of spite and to prove I was worthy. She wanting me one more time and willing to endure anything if it meant feeling needed. I recalled as I laid in bed tonight the feel of her teeth against my shoulder, the searing pain of her teeth locking into my flesh as she rode the waves of our sex.

All thoughts of others or environment faded. We were animals. I still have a small scar on my back from one of her nails. We broke over each other again and again. Deeper and deeper I wanted to go and I took as much as I could without care or concern. She, opening up wider and wider to accept more and more and even more.

It is hot tonight and I can’t sleep. I want to go back to bed but I can’t. I want to go back to that time but can’t. I want to sleep but I can’t. So tonight, I dream of her.

Amazingly, thinking of her, I am reminded of standing on a beach and listening to the roar of the waves as they roll towards me and then recede. These winds were the same, and it was gorgeous, yet I could not see it, although I knew its presence.

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
4/19/2006 1:45 am

Holy shit. That's all I can say. What an intense, all encompassing, indelible post...

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

travelingintexas replies on 4/19/2006 6:21 am:
Thank ya my dear...

Nightguy_1961 56M
4866 posts
4/19/2006 1:52 am

Nice post, Trav...

It's amazing how the women that hurt us the worst are the hardest ones to get out of our mind.


travelingintexas replies on 4/19/2006 6:22 am:
Strange bed fellows that one was. I am not sure who did what in that relationship anymore lol

onelittlesecret 34M
1579 posts
4/19/2006 2:19 am

Not sure what to think of this...

Seems the world is a hard place. Nature is so unforgiving. But there's a special kind of beauty that can only be found in mankind.

Wish I could've been there on the balcony, watching the storm blow in.

travelingintexas replies on 4/19/2006 6:22 am:
Hey! Hands off the ass bud.... pass my beer!

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
4/19/2006 5:27 am


pet_humility 50F

4/19/2006 5:37 am

That was fantastic reading.. Thank you

TTigerAtty 63M

4/19/2006 5:47 am

Bullshit, Trav! You were tossing and turning in bed as you lay worrying about that haunting "cheep cheep cheep" sound you hear over and over in your head! That, my friend, is the sound of our Redbirds closing the gap in the division race between themselves and your Houston Astros! Astros: 10-4, Redbirds: 8-6.


absolutelynormal 57F
6563 posts
4/19/2006 5:51 am

I hate nights like that where all you can think of is the bad shit. I always hurt myself more than anyone else does and sometimes that's hard to accept. I hate it when I beat myself up. That's what you're doing, quite eloquently, in this post. I heop you were finally able to get some sleep. It is unnaturally hot. Was 95 here yesterday, I wanna scream at Mama Nature, look at the calendar, it's not July yet!!! Mac

travelingintexas replies on 4/19/2006 6:25 am:
If I was beating myself up, it was sorta nice. Well, the images in my mind of certain events were at least.

want2play926 46F

4/19/2006 6:04 am

WOW Trav! I NEVER read something that I felt so many different emotions from start to finish. Your posts / writing gets to me like nothing ever before. It is like you always manage to touch a part of my life...as if you are in my head and get out on here what I can not bring myself to do yet.

OMG, you must think I am a freak...

rm_metalmama69 43F
3878 posts
4/19/2006 6:20 am

I'm speechless......

I wish I could hug you now...I need one too

travelingintexas replies on 4/19/2006 6:26 am:
You kidding? Its too hot for hugs LMAO Oh all right...

qship52 64M

4/19/2006 7:03 am

Now THAT'S a blog entry!


angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
4/19/2006 7:03 am

Wow! That was intense...and beautifully written. It succeeded in dredging up some old feelings in me too! And I could almost feel the heat....although its rather chilly here in Virginia! If it wasn't so hot there...I'd offer you a hug!

rm_herestill 57M

4/19/2006 7:13 am

not much to say but,WOW!

kyplowboy22 62M

4/19/2006 8:10 am

Almost feel like I walked into a room and saw something not meant for my eyes, like I accidentally invaded your privacy. I'll just leave you with your thoughts, what a very private, personal thing you wrote here. I can have no opinion, its not my place to. Later


rm_goddess1946 107F
13518 posts
4/19/2006 9:46 am

beautifully written...thanks for sharing that Trav...
betcha she has had more than one night laying awake
in the Texas heat remembering you too....

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

rm_DaphneR 59F
8023 posts
4/19/2006 12:57 pm

The balcony faces west. Did you wave at me?

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

deliciousngood 65F
1666 posts
4/19/2006 6:46 pm

Memories....and the evocation! WOW

rm_JUSTsex4me 37F
185 posts
4/19/2006 7:35 pm

I can't think of any other word but...WOW! That was amazing and I am going to go take a shower now....a cold one

rm_mm0206 70F
7767 posts
4/19/2006 8:19 pm

jesus fuckin christ

Dont ever say there is no nookie in Texas ......

cold shower time

EyeCandy33333 45F
761 posts
4/19/2006 10:01 pm

Made me think back to the days after high school football games and the after things-"wow" have missed you Trav!

n0tatalker 40M

4/20/2006 10:05 am

Women suck sometimes

HAPPY 420!

bardicman 51M

4/20/2006 6:47 pm

Ahhh the joys of unlubricated heated teenage lust!

Just to prove I am a man.

I am not dead yet

aeonflux1981 36F

4/21/2006 4:26 am

so intimate
so unexpected
after all the hype
we all just move on

we get on with our lives
and reminisce
yet it still stings like
hell every single time
one remembers it
not so many men
have the guts to
share something so
profoundly emotional
and intimate
: )

EyeCandy33333 45F
761 posts
4/21/2006 11:13 pm

Yes tis true-but I had one hell of a time after football games-and emmm-no bigtime argument-just loads of making love!That part -I do miss!

JoLeeS 41F

4/22/2006 1:12 am

Cannot desribe this.... It brought tears to my eyes, made my heart beat faster, and brought a blush to my face(and ears).... Wonderful read....

SxyCrazyCool 39F

4/29/2006 11:16 pm

How sad..

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