Before I Go To Bed....  

travelingintexas 42M
posts
11/20/2005 2:04 am
Before I Go To Bed....


Background Music:
Silence


What I am fixing to write is from the mind of someone that is tired. Please consider this as I write this. Depression, at night, is often worse than in the light of day. I need to do this. For me. To get this out. If you arent in the mood to read this, then please move on now. If you do read it, know it is written by someone that will somehow get out of bed tommorow and take a step forward somehow.

I sit right here, in the heart of well over a million people and feel so alone, so small and so terrified it literaly makes me sick. Nothing tonight has cheered me. If anything I was a drag to be around, even if it was just virtualy.

In some ways, I am surrounded by a prison of my own making. A doorway locked and bolted from the other side that I can not break free from. The pain tonight is overwhelming, this dark beast of insanity that grips me in its claws and tears my soul to shreds with its razor sharp talons. Even as I write this, I can hear the shouted words of encouragement and hope from the other side of the thick, tightly sealed walls I am surrounded by. Too much.

I am disgusted by me. Who I am. What I am. Who I was. What I was. It is a testimony to my inability to grow, to become something much greater. Such power I possess only to snuff it out again by my own doing. Only to shy away from greatness once again.

I hate these four walls. Both emotionaly and physicaly. The loneliness I feel is self made. Built by my own hands and actions. I put on a brave face, walk on. However I am seperated from family. The prodigal son wallowing in the pig stye of the soul. I look up from my wallowing and see home on a far distant horizon and can't go there. Have you ever gone so far that you know you can't return? That who you are is so repugnant you run and run from yourself until you can not run any longer? Even then you crawl? Even then you snake along on your belly in the muck and mud to get away from yourself?

So when this hits what do I do? Turn more to the mud and filth I have created around me, hoping that it will finally encompass me, surround me an swallow me whole with savage finality.
Much like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Turning to the one thing that will destroy myself. Why? There is succor there. It is known. The other is unknown, unbidden and not safe.

Ah to be in the light! Freed and living a life of value. Not this slow death that creeps upon me in the wee hours of night. Not this slow death that I run from during the hours of light.

Perhaps words are easy. Tonight the monster is very real. It is I. Other issues are not the problem. Not other people, others actions, but my own. It is I that is the center of this crisis of person, of faith or belief.

At this point I am staring at the screen. The words no longer coming. This man... the one that is on this brilliant journey, writes these words with tears streaming down his face. Writes these words with the pain so physical it hurts. So alone being swallowed by the earth would bring company. How can I take a step forward if I am taking them backwards?

How can I get in bed, if what I know reveals me. Proves it over and over in these darkest nights. A fool. A dreamer. A optimist with no hope.

How can I hide under the covers from the monster... if the monster is under the covers and is me?

_Safira 55F
11260 posts
11/20/2005 4:45 am

Dear Trav ~

How can you hide? You can't. I always tell folks "Je suis qui je suis. Fuck everyone else." (I yam what I yam ... yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. yuck ... CAN be taken more than one way; right?) You are a complex being (notice I don't say complicated ... big difference). Complex folks work on many different levels and have myriad facets. Why shouldn't you have a beast or two ... or hell, even three? (You ARE a former Super Hero after all.)

"Measuring Time" and "Real Again" were written exactly to express your post. I hope you availed yourself of them. Here's another entitled "4 AM":

4 AM

Talkative but not talking; competitive but not competing; unique but indifferent;
productive but not producing; strong but lacking;
looking but not seeing; an introverted extrovert; assertive but not asserting;
creative but not creating; an achiever not achieving.
thought-filled but speechless; not a veteran but battle-weary;
listening but not hearing; tired but not sleeping; an optimist turned pessimist;
in a stupor but not stupid; alone in a crowd; a person without personality;
hungry with no appetite;
day after eternal day; imprisoned with no crime; hopeless yet hopeful;
a heart incapable of emotion; alive but not living;
it's 4 am ... have you seen my clothes?
i'd like to go home.

Now ... Ride that pain like a bull at Gilley's. Don't make me have to call my cousins to hunt you down. (Have you ever seen a Southern Deb ... let alone a retired Domme ... on a mission??? 'Nuff said.)

Seriously, though ... Hope the morning brings some light (as in sunshine AND clarity). Know that we, in Blogsville, will gladly help you valet-check your baggage anytime. (
Toujours,
Safira

P.S. Pithy platitudes, painful perceptions, and pointless ponderings provided freely ... Like the alliteration?

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F The Only Site For Me


helga_hansen 50F  
1987 posts
11/20/2005 4:45 am

Trav, you and I have never spoken... sure, I'm a name that appears in the comments on your blogs, but that is all. I don't know everything there is to know about you, but I do know this...

We each have demons, things that we regret, things we wish we'd done differently. Some of us just allow those demons and regrets to play a far greater role in our lives than others. I'll tell you one of mine... I am afraid of being alone. Having no one in my life. It scares the shit out of me. However, I like time on my own... but I always need to know that someone is there. I'm 38, and it sounds daft, but that's the truth. Because of this demon, I travelled down a certain path a long time ago, and now, rather than wish that I hadn't, I've accepted that this was the path I was meant to travel. Every once in a while that demon raises its ugly head and bites me... even now, when I am surrounded by a loving family and friends everywhere.

I hope that you will find the strength to conquer that monster that is hiding under the covers, because I don't believe that monster is you.

Hx

Love, hugs and kisses from ♥♥HH♥♥


PrincessKarma 45F
6188 posts
11/20/2005 5:33 am

*sits on the covers next to trav and strokes his hair*

It's ok, sweets, we're here for you... Nights are hardest for me, too, the little worms and scorpions of self-doubt and fear crawl out of the woodwork to torment me. You're not good enough, they taunt me, nobody wants you, you're not thin or pretty or rich enough. And I cry. Long. Bitterly. Then sleep comes and I rest to begin anew the next day.

Better to be an optimist and a dreamer than the alternative, for we fools are the ones who keep going instead of (smbolically) giving up and dying by the side of the road. We are the ones who truly live, for if we knew not the suffering we would not know the joy of living as well.

I know that you will get up in the morning and face the world once again, because we are to damn stubborn to give up on ourselves or others. And if the night feels too dark to go alone, IM me and we'll huddle by the cold glow of the screen together.

You're not all alone out there, sweets. Remember that.

Hugs,
G, aka PK

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


rm_janie233 53F
48 posts
11/20/2005 6:42 am

Well you just do it, thats all. I too have been on some kind of journey , I dont know what the hell happened but I know I may take a step back but there's no turning back. It is a journey right? You dont know how its going to turn out , or when you get to the final destination , or yet whos going to be there. I have to say thanks for writing this, although I wouldnt express my feelings like that, yet I know I may have not known anything, but I dont give up too easily. Kinda tired myself, heading to bed, I hope this makes some kind of sense. Have a nice day..


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
11/20/2005 9:44 am

As I have told you TravelinO... It is a rollercoaster that you are embarking on and you must go through the ride. It will not be over quickly. There will be good days, bad days and inscruciably painful days. This period is your gestation...your coccoon to re-discover who you really are and what is important to you. This is what I experienced going through, what you are going through now. The comfort that I can offer you and advice is to be TRUE to you and to do what you feel is best..For You and for your kids. Do Not let others tear you down...if for nothing else than the fact that "Those who give up their dreams, will do their best to destroy yours". I for one...won't give anyone the satsfaction of that...and as you already know. I have been close to the edge.


curious082385 32F
4925 posts
11/20/2005 9:52 am

As much as all of us here in Blogland would love to be able to help you through this, the reality is that we can't. The path you are walking is a personal one and one that none of us can join you on. We can send thoughts of warmth, love and support.....but this is a journey you must make on your own.
I'm not going to pretend that I know what is going on or say that I've been where you are. Yes, I know the depression you speak of, the way it feels to be in a crowded room and feel more alone than you ever have. But I don't know what is causing it for you.
Here is what I can say........just breathe, my dear. You have friends here who love you and we will be here to listen whenever you need us. And rest assured that there are people waiting for you on the other side of that wall. On the other side of that darkness, there is warmth and love and freedom. That light may seem far away now....but one day, one step at a time and you'll get there.
In time, this too shall pass. Rest well and know that you are loved.


rm_PhxPhatChick 59F
202 posts
11/20/2005 9:55 am

We all have our demons and it seems that they grow as we age. Lord knows I've done some stupid things in my life and those episodes loom large when I let them. There are many issues.

My best friend, who I am blessed to have in my life, knows of these demons because with her I have shared my story. And her answer is this . . . baby steps forward. And for me it works. It sounds simple yet there are days in which it is the most difficult of tasks. It sounds stupid, but it is a brilliant methodology for me. It just works. Mostly because human beings in general can forgive. So those in your past, including yourself can and will forgive if you let them.

Today is a new day. I get very caught up and depression runs rampant in my life when I look at the big picture; not only today, but past as well as future. Today is a result of my past. But today I will do what is right. Why? Because I will use what I have learned from my past and that will help me succeed. In doing so, my future will be better. The hardest part of using this method is taking the step forward and doing things differently than you once did; to learn from what we percieve as mistakes instead of making them.

Don't beat yourself up over things that you should have done differently. Don't beat yourself up because you could have made better choices. Do look at each day as an opportunity to grow and improve your life. But remember, there are some days when we all need to just tell the world to fuck off. We are not perfect. We are human. And if you need help from an alternate source, DO NOT HESITATE. Needing help is not a sign of weakness, but one of strength.

Not only do I wish you peace Trav, but more importantly, I wish you a safe journey in finding it.


Travelin2dFridge 43M
8 posts
11/20/2005 10:23 am

Reckon ya do what we do. Drink heavily.


kokpelli_999 62M

11/20/2005 12:12 pm

You think too much.
Do whatever it takes to stand up while you read this.
Now!
Stop regretting the past there's not one damn thing you can do about it. If you need to make an amend then do it! Most everyone has either forgotten your trespasses or forgiven you for them. It's high time you forgive yourself.
Muster the courage to learn from your past expereinces. Embrace them as what happened and what you have learned. Live for the moment, not the past.
I do not close the door on the past nor do I any longer regret it.
Smile.Love yourself for the good being you are. The being your Creator attached to your soul..
Smile. Love yourself for the imperfect creation you are. It's what teaches us tolerance of ourselves and others..
If you choose to view your life as a roller coaster ride then that is what you will have.
Smile. If you choose to view you life as ascending path to a more enlightened life and happiness then that is what you'll have.
Daryl in at least one past blog you've written about your spiritual background. Let me venture there with you for a minute.I had to leave the church to find my Good/God who I now refer to as my Creator. Choose to call her what you prefer. Just choose to accept the fact you were created in his image. Now accept the power you have.
When you've come to the conclusion you will do anything, anything at all to change your life for the better read "Communion With God"
by Neale Donald Walsch. ISBN 0425189856. It may not be the solution but I promise you you will be enlightened.
It sounds to me like you're just about there.
Now get out. Go somewhere, to the grocery store if you have to and smile at two people and wish them a good day.
Best wishes and be safe.


bardicman 51M

11/20/2005 12:38 pm

Demons,
Demons that must be dealt with only when, where, how....
Just be a demon slayer.
Slaying demons take time. Demons are great actors. You think they are dead but they are really not. Just pretending to be dead until one day, at your weakest, they breathe again.
Just be a demon slayer.
Remember their trick. Kill them good when you kill them. Over kill them.



I am not dead yet


rm_impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
11/20/2005 1:29 pm

Dearest sweet Trav...no - you don't know me and I don't know you, but your words are so familiar and as one who had walked that dark path my heart goes out to you. All of us here can tell you our stories, we can offer you solace & hope, we can offer you a gentle place to land in safety...but...as hard as it is none of us can walk this path for you - none of us can fight your demons. We can only tell you that they can be vanquished and though the journey through is hard & painful there is nothing sweeter than the feeling when you come out on the other side. I offer you a candle to light the way and reassure you that there is beauty on the other side. And oh...btw...demons are terrifed of "light" so I'm sending some of mine your way. Blessed Be.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


slidein2meplz 63F
1994 posts
11/20/2005 2:00 pm

Never, Never, Never give up. Trav we all go thru this at some point or another. Some of us more often than others, some of us get over it and are able to put it behind us quicker than others...some of us struggle with it daily. Some of us may never get past it. However, we must try if not for yourself, then for your children...and if not for them...then your parents...or someone. I think it's good you at least share it with us....and not holding it all in. Somewhere in all of the comments left here for you there could be an answer. Your the only one who can recognize it.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


mistymommie 41F

11/20/2005 2:59 pm

What a tormented soul you have. Wish there something I could do for you. You make me wanna cry and kiss all your demons away.

Misty


bulging_boy 50M

11/20/2005 3:13 pm

Dude,

The Bard got it bang on the head. Kill those filthy bastards. Pass me a sword, and I'll start swinging for them too!

Don't tell me it's you mate! It aint, that is the part that *you* can't see.

Remember? It's a long way to go for a beer? And I said to you... I aint that interested in the beer?

And don't worry... a few more seconds and we'll have broken through that fucking door. There's noo way anything can stand up to the amount of people pushing at it now.

Just look! I've lost count... and more are gathering.


wife4stranger 58F

11/20/2005 3:42 pm

As many wiser and more eloquent than I have said, we all have our demons. Some of us fight them daily......some embrace them......some think they are slain, only to have them rear up again years later. We face each challenge as it comes.

Some words that have served me well through the years though are these:
The best way to prepare for tomorrow is to make today all that it should be

Note that it does not say to make today all that someone else thinks it should be, rather just make it all it should be. It seems somewhat simplistic, but you might be amazed at the difference it can make in your life.


barbiebunny 38F
5597 posts
11/20/2005 4:47 pm




DON'T FLUSH!


Its good to be...ME


Justforfungirl5 50F
68 posts
11/20/2005 4:58 pm

Many philosophers and intellectuals believe "we are where we are at this given moment because of all of the decisions we have made in our life." I don't dispute that; from what you've written here, nor do you.

Taking ownership of your decisions is painful, especially when you feel that they have lead you to living in a self-imposed prison. The good thing about those prison walls that we make with our own hands? We can take them down with our own hands ... brick by brick ... day by day ... at times without anyone's help ... or at times allowing others to help us on the way. Choose LIFE!

~~S (Hey, Trav, if you'll bring me that brick right there by your feet, I'll start loading the wheelbarrow!)


rm_DaphneR 59F
8023 posts
11/20/2005 5:31 pm

The one thing I wish you could see and accept is the good that people see in you with your own eyes. I meant it when I said you're a sweetheart and always remember, I do love you, Brat.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


rm_titsandtires 53M/43F
3656 posts
11/20/2005 6:39 pm

throttle it, trav... one day at a time, and remember...
always more throttle.

tires


oldman1776 80M
3164 posts
11/20/2005 6:39 pm

Hang in there it will get better. Some times it takes awhile to get rid of the damn things but I'm sure you will.


PrincessKarma 45F
6188 posts
11/20/2005 6:42 pm

*kicks Traveling2dFridge in the shins* Don't get him started on that!

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


rm_skyblue662 51F
1 post
11/20/2005 9:20 pm

Just wake up each day and try to find one thing in the world around you that is not as dark as what is in your head. Everyone does have demons, but each of us has our very on personal ones so I can't tell you what to feel because my demons are different from yours and so are our feelings about them. The world does circle everyday and a new morning always comes along so try to take it one day at a time. May a higher power bless you and take some of the darkness from your heart and ease it with peace.
This is a quote from John F Kennedy...he said for different reasons but it applies....Peace is
a daily,
a weekly,
a monthly process.


rm_luke69iner 49M
3275 posts
11/20/2005 10:13 pm

Fuck sake Trav the monster isn't you. You're human and a damn good one. Being human is some damn difficult shit and it breaks everyone a little bit sometimes.

Don't focus on all the big things that could be great. That shit will drive you crazy. Start with the simplest things that kept you going. If that gets okay and you feel good start gradually reaching for the other stuff. Ain't nothin' wrong with steping back and just focusing on keeping things simple for a little while to get your strength ready to reach for the stars down the road.

Don't make me have to sing the Happy Happy Joy Joy Song again. I'll put the Bow Tie picture back up and sing it as Bow Tie Boy. You don't want none of that.


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


rm_cockmerollme 46F
1223 posts
11/20/2005 11:14 pm

Buy some balloons. That always cheers me up. I haven't had the pleasure of being that depressed in years,man. It's just one life they can take from you, you know? Make a mixed tape.(do the kids still do that....make tapes?) Make lists. Go to the Aquarium. Clean out the fridge.Keep writing. Sing, make brownies. Make out with someone for a good half n hour. Don't wear underwear. It'll make you giddy.

LET'S GO METS!!!


tillerbabe 57F

11/21/2005 12:50 am

Baby..you are so much like me...to be "alone" in a room full of people, to be "alone" with family...to be "alone" in an overpopulated world....

I assure you, you are more understood than you could possibly know..
Loves u! {=}


blushingtigger 47F

11/21/2005 6:56 am

Trav- I say a prayer for you daily that you are able to conquer those demons. We have all have them in some form or another and some are harder to conquer than others. Go back to your roots my dear Trav- you know what those are. You need to rely not only on yourself but others including those that you have chosen to discard or be angry with. Depression is the hardest thing in the world to overcome but you are a strong and wonderful man. You have been so very blessed in your life to have so many really truly love you. I know you do not think you deserve it, but you do. You are a very good man and an incredible father, all you need to do is take one look at those children to see that. As is everyone else, I am here if you want to chat. I am your friend, first and foremost and believe me I know how hard one can be on one's self. I love you and pray that your road becomes smoother. But please depend on us, sometimes you just can't do it all alone. It's okay to ask for help.


rm_goddess1946 107F
13518 posts
11/21/2005 1:26 pm

The lessons are in the valley, Trav...there is no challenge in sitting on top of the mountain unless one is incredibly fearful of heights. In that case, the top of the mountain would BE the valley. So it goes...

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


sexymermaid6956 64F
26393 posts
11/21/2005 2:07 pm

hi and a big hug for u....wow you have many many good friends here..your extended family..you do need to kick thoses demonds out of your bed....I sing to myself ..i force my mind to think of something else...Don't give in..unbolt that door..and go though it...Make a herbal tea...Go to the mirror and say ...Dam i love that guy in the mirror...Go for a long walk and clear your head...chew gum...Do have a shower have a good cry..let it out...then when you are done..loook at yourself and allow yourself to smile...Then go to bed , close your eyes and see all of our smiles...all our warm hugs and all our love to blanket you with.....you are loved by many who have come to your blog, find peace in that....

[]

Seduce my mind and my body


rm_LilBlondeNZ 42F
1028 posts
11/21/2005 4:04 pm

It took me a day to get my mind around your post. I had to let it settle first... and now that I've eaten my morning Wheaties and stretched a bit...

*Springs into Blondeninja attack stance*

*Gets running start*

HEEEEIIIIIIIYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Flies through air with super action kickling leg extended*

* C R A S H *

There.
Score: Me 1, Metal Door 0
You're free.

Now, go get 'em, you fu*king sexy bastard!

MAKE TEXAS PROUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
53F

11/22/2005 12:23 am

you can't battle the beast..till you know the beast...

look him straight in the eye...

TTFN


brightblonde3 59F

11/22/2005 4:48 pm

TravelinginTexas, the man I love most in the world struggles with this darkness.

I send you a cyberhug and healing thoughts...please be as good to yourself as you can possibly be.


rm_MustangD6644 53M
1031 posts
11/25/2005 8:33 pm

Texas you are battling Winston Churchill's dreaded BLACK DOG of depression. I estimate you are at least Black Dog 15 and need medical help because the slide towards Black Dog 20 can be rapid. Brother Grim comes for you at BLACK DOG 21, DEATH, a 21 Gun Dog Salute.
One of the advantages of a site like this is the fact that there are always people on line 24 hours a day, so a friendly word or two is only a click or two away. Remember to eat well and get plenty of rest and not to spend all your time on line. Go for regular walks and stop to smell the flowers along the way. Say hello to people. Learn something new everyday.
As others have said make sure those demonic dogs are well and truely DEAD, confirmed kills no less, so you can stamp the kills on the scoreboard like a fighter pilot.

Chin up and remember others are with you.

MustangD6644


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