400... The Post...  

travelingintexas 42M
posts
1/11/2006 12:24 pm
400... The Post...

Background Music:
Simple Man, Lynyrd Skynyrd

400 Posts
9795 Comments


Friday June 24th, 2005 (201 days from today)- I temporarily separate from my wife. Travelingintexas is born on AdultFriendFinder.
Sunday, June 26th, 2005 (199 days)- Trav finds the blogs and I post my first blog at 3:30AM, my time.
July 7th to July 27th, 2005- Trav goes silent. No blogging. Honestly I don’t remember what happened during those dates.
Monday, July 18th, 2005 (177 days)- The elusive “SHE” breaks it off with me. Sending me into an emotional tailspin.
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005 (175 days)- Trav leaves home for good.
Monday, July 25th, 2005 (170 days)- Trav loses his job, where “SHE” worked, because of the affair.
Wednesday, July 27th, 2005 (168 days)- Trav begins blogging in earnest, with two personal restrictions. No politics and no religion. These two issues are openly divisive and not why I am here. Everything else I swore to be open and honest about.


If you have been here for a while you know much of my story, if not, then here is what happened on July 27th. I decided to vent here and truly let everything out. Looking back, I had two choices. Commit myself as suicidal at a local hospital or blog. I chose blogging because I didn’t want everyone to know I had gone crazy. Yes, I believe I was crazy. Whacked out, crazy talking, Looney. I had just lost everything. A “fake” love, my family, my house, respect from everyone I knew, my job and financial means. I lost it. My actions had driven me to destruction on a very personal level. I have likened this time of my life to the moment in Russel Crowes "A Beautiful Mind.” If you have seen the movie, there is a point where he is chained to a chair. On one side is reality (the doctor) on the other, Charles (Crowes Imaginary friend.) Crowe keeps calling to Charles, “Tell him! Tell him you are real!” and all the while the Doctor is asking Crowe who he is speaking to, that there is no one there.

The only thing at that time that kept me from committing the act of suicide was the thought of me failing my children once again. That’s the only reason though and at times it almost wasn’t enough. Questionable decision to allow myself to be alone but I was. Torn and broken. Looking back over the shell of my life, I knew the first act had been a farce, one big lie. Here is my one and only revelation that some of you might not know. I was a failed minister. Failed in my example. Failed in my faith. I had failed in my marriage. 47 times over 10 years. My first affair happened a year into our marriage. That is one affair every 2 months. Failed my children. I despised intimacy of any form!

I found my self worth in sex. Anytime I became depressed, felt I wasn’t good enough, I ran to sex. I could seduce. I was a Master manipulator. I knew the words and how to play the game. The majority of my affairs were with women I met online, not on a sex site and yes, these were physical affairs, not emotional. I had never used this site or another like it. The game, the hunt, the power, the chase was all important. Spinning words to gain power. Playing the game fed me and my need for more power. It made me feel worth something. Needed. Wanted. It was a drug as powerful as anything I could have swallowed or shot up.

However, the consequences literily shattered my world. My life lay in pieces around me and I recognized myself for what I had become. A human wrecking ball, swinging destruction everywhere I went and destroying everything I touched. Despised by others and by myself, I did the only thing I knew to do. I setup shop in a Starbucks and blogged. I was hidden there, from the world and from reality. I created a safe haven for myself, a place I could retreat to and laugh and joke, spout off negative thoughts and my depression. I was immediately picked up by new blog friends. (they know who they are.) I was dragged and carried, kicking and screaming into a place of safety and security, primarily to save me from myself.

So alone. God was I alone and for someone like me that finds peace of mind through others or through sexual means, I was in hell. I cut myself off. I went sober. I refused to find solace in sex again. I refused to allow that to be my crutch, my tool to get by. I also refused to be THAT man. I determined I would be a man of character and truth. That, somehow, someway, I would be honest and surround myself with honest people. I determined that I would learn to discover and give intimacy to others, without sexual connotations being placed on the relationship. For me. Not because I was being a do-gooder, but because at this point in my life, I needed to for my own well-being.

So here I was, on a sex site, going sober. Much easier than I anticipated, believe it or not. Regaining my sanity but most importantly, regaining my self-respect as a man. I never respected myself therefore I couldn’t respect others. I never felt worthy in the eyes of others. I was constantly looking for “HER” to validate me. If I can only find “HER”, the refrain was repeated in my mind, then I will be enough. I never understood the response I received here until lately, over the last couple of months. Again, the feelings of no self-worth kept me from opening my eyes and understanding why so many of you have stuck by me for so long. You saw my capability long before I ever did. So many of you knew that I was worthy and capable of living a lasting impression and legacy before I was even aware it was possible. Now I know and live in that knowledge daily. Do I always succeed? Nope. I still struggle, feel unworthy and get depressed, but nothing like I used to.

You have allowed me to fight my personal demons here in front of you and have been my biggest support. I will never forget being told one day point blank, look in the mirror. SEE WHAT WE SEE IN YOU! And I did and god it was painful. Especially if I looked at the past with new eyes and at myself with new eyes. How could I have any redeeming qualities if I looked like that? Ya know what though? When I woke up this morning, I didn’t see THAT guy, I saw this one, the one I am today. I saw the one that is trustworthy, dependable and as good as his word. The one that surrounds himself with people that are trustworthy. I am a friend worth having and perhaps again one day, a lover worth holding.

I find myself seeking out the bloggers on here that are currently in the same place I was then. That may be in a place that has them destroyed emotionally and mentally. It is my desire that I can offer them hope for the future in some small way. Whether it be in a much needed laugh or a kick in the pants like I have received from so many of you in the past.

I have renewed an old dream that for so long defined me, but I thought was dead. I am slower to anger than ever before and am beginning to get a check on my impulsivity (although much of this is my nature and I doubt I even want it to change much). I believe I am now an even bigger dreamer than before but one that is grounded in reality as well. I have decided to paint myself with a different paint brush, one that is not so harsh and unforgiving when it comes to my failures.

Where once I saw defeat and failure, today I look at my life with new eyes and a renewed sense of vigor when I look towards the future. There are some that use this blog site differently and for different means. That is fine. I would never want them to have to travel the road I have traveled while here. We are all different. We each have our own struggles and victories. You will never know how grateful I am to each of you that decided to share in this journey with me, even for a short time.

I start a new job soon. I am terribly excited. That has been my one main goal, to find the means again to feel like I am accomplishing something on a professional level. As all new jobs go, a considerable amount of time will be spent there the first few months. Also, because of the nature of my profession, my time will be limited. I do not foresee me leaving this community of friends for a while but I do sense a slow down coming.

I felt it important on this post to extend to each of you my gratitude and appreciation for allowing me to “BE” who I have been. You have granted me endless patience and it is humbling. In so many ways I have grown over these 400 posts. I have been angry, lonely, torn, and bitter. I have fought, loved and cheered with many of you. Each of you has revealed something about me that I did not know. This to me is my greatest reward. Communication in its highest form brings healing. Communication in its highest form also brings about intimacy. Blogging on this site has brought about both.

The picture over there is of my eyes. The top picture is of my eyes when I started. The bottom picture is of my eyes now. I don’t know if you can tell but I sure can. Those that know me well will be able to as well. Can you see the difference? No longer glazed and glassy? They have cleared and become open to this world and its beauty. No longer am I a human wrecking ball that destroys and then self destructs. That is the old Trav.

Today I Stand.

Thank you for allowing me to call you friends,
Travelingintexas


GoddessOfTheDawn 106F
11240 posts
1/11/2006 3:34 pm

best of wishez on the new journey, the new job and all the new things ahead

and also on closing those earlier chapterz

Beautiful post trav. You have come a long way. Never forget this


caressmewell 55F

1/11/2006 5:40 pm

Trav - congratulations on #400 {=}


silkysmoothlegs3 106F

1/11/2006 6:16 pm

Congratulations on your 400th post..

put the past behind you now..

I connect with what you say..

and I also agree with Goddeddofthedawn

This is a beautiful post

silky


starvingnow 49F

1/11/2006 6:21 pm

I've always enjoyed you in my own private world Trav. You let go of a lot of things and here you are now light as a feather. Wishing you the best in your future discoveries.
Starvingnow


norprin5 56M

1/11/2006 6:26 pm

glad to be along for the recent part of your journey, trav. and thanks for sharing so much of yourself.

i'll hang around for a while yet, if ya don't mind - you can be mildly amusing at times

*walks away muttering 'damn, he's really NOT dead...'

King Nor XVIII


MaggiesWishes 61F

1/11/2006 6:50 pm

Trav ...
warm wishes
I am touched, that you had the courage to find yourself.
That says volumes about you.


EroGenOusKitty 42F

1/11/2006 6:50 pm

"When I woke up this morning, I didn’t see THAT guy, I saw this one, the one I am today. I saw the one that is trustworthy, dependable and as good as his word. The one that surrounds himself with people that are trustworthy. I am a friend worth having and perhaps again one day, a lover worth holding".~D~
>>Big warm smile on my face<<...

I am so proud of you!!!!
In time we forget names but we never forget how people treated or affected us...

>>Fly Beautiful one and welcome home to your spirit<<

This D is what true self actualization is!!!

Gosh am I proud of you
Nodding at you in the background...Ero

~Dream in Color and Live in Texture~


impish_pixie 55F
6867 posts
1/11/2006 6:55 pm

My friend...you are beautiful. Thank you for allowing me to stand in the radiance of your soul. I am warm now. Blessed be.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


bangingmyhead 55M
157 posts
1/11/2006 6:57 pm

Congrats on Number 400! I do see a difference - the top picture has eyes that are cold, mean, dead. The new Trav has awakened with happy eyes!

Good luck on the new job...I still owe you a Snickers


rm_Bct2Esi 52M/52F
1375 posts
1/11/2006 7:13 pm

well Trav, I don't know how I happened onto your blog, but I have appreciated your openess, honesty, wit and truths.

Congrats on post 400 and the new job

You have been a blessing to me, I have been one of those who have cried, laughed, wondered, and pondered all of your words. I admire your work, am hoping that one day I can let go some of my fears as you have done an be able to look in the mirror and like what I see.

Thanks for one more honest post that is YOU Yes I noticed the difference the minute I pulled it up.

hugs and smiles


rm_DaphneR 59F
8023 posts
1/11/2006 7:27 pm

You've done good Brat.

I love you even more now that you love yourself.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


barbiebunny 37F
5597 posts
1/11/2006 7:37 pm

Bout damn time!
Actually, Im very happy for you. Your eyes are soft yet strong. Wonderful gift to move on in life.

Congrats on the job, and remember Cruella is always here to cheer u on!
xo

Its good to be...ME


Han54boat 65M
11669 posts
1/11/2006 7:38 pm

Trav, where to begin? I did not like you at first. Thinking you are a joke. Early last year, my wife threw me out of the house, my kids disown me, and I became lost. Then one day, I read your blog, again. It hit a nerve, big one. May be there is something about this. I’m a 100% loner. I go where I want, and do what I want. I feel very very lucky that I married and have kids. Your writings help me in ways. I have other help but I count you as one too. Others have not done it, but you have done it for me. THINK and view in a different direction in terms of life, or may be circle of life. Thanks. Best wishes on your new job. I look forward to your writings about your new life. If you can do it, I can do it, too, for my life. Moving forward in life. Thanks again,


Cum to my blog and respond. Have a great kissing fun time.


Sorceror07 55M

1/11/2006 7:47 pm

trav.. grats on 400 bro!

thanks for sharing your story. ...man! you've come a long way in a short time, THAT shows great character and will. don't ever be down on yourself again. you are a good man.

...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!...


Jus_a_lady 55F

1/11/2006 8:04 pm

Trav, You dont know me, but I can say, You have beautiful eyes and I am enjoying reading your your blog. Keep that smile on your face, ((((((hugs!!)))))) I know you make me smile when I read all the funny things you write. Thank you and take care


boydcounty 68M

1/11/2006 8:40 pm

Brother - I have walked in your shoes. I have stumbled over the same adversity. You are on the right track. Keep on keepin on bro.....
And can ya get some foot powder? These shoes stink!!!!

-boydcounty-


digdug41 50M

1/11/2006 8:41 pm

hey trav I know what that sex thing feels like I did it too because i was so miserable inside and thought that that would be a way to not be, I am so glad that things are looking up fot the both of us its time you hang in there like you been doing and I'll do the same.
make the best out of this world trav its not as bad as we once thought I'll cya roun the blogs man

roaming the cyber streets of blogland


_Safira 55F
11260 posts
1/11/2006 9:04 pm

Trav ~ You are truly a beautiful being, and renew my faith daily. Thank you. (You have beautiful eyes, my friend.) *gentle hugs*

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F The Only Site For Me


rm_goddess1946 107F
13518 posts
1/11/2006 9:07 pm

This planet is one big classroom and we all have
lessons to learn. I've learned that when you finally
learn the lesson, you don't ever have to take that class
again. You can move forward. You have lots to say about
what shows up in your life and I have appreciated your
spirit since the first time I read you. I have told you that.
Thank you for this beautiful post...from your heart. Your eyes
do say it all...I caught that before I ever began to read.

The only way through the darkest part of the forest is
to go into it. You can not go around it. There is light on
the other side.....

I spent 17 years married to an alcoholic. Been there with that
addictive classroom. Been there with the co*dependent classroom.
Later lived with a sex addict. Too much Pain. Don't have to be
there..don't have to go there. Do have to feel it to heal it though. The addictive behavioral patterns are now red flags to me. I have been single for 15 years and am probably happier than I have ever been in my life and I will tell you that I hear what you write.

I, too, am enjoying, reading and writing in blogland.
It is a healing place in many ways and I am honored to call you friend.

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
1/11/2006 11:31 pm

It's all in the eyes. I will save the mushy shit that I want to say to you for a future time. (don't worry - it's all good)

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


Sister_Act_4_You 39F/39F

1/12/2006 12:04 am

Awesome post....but you already know that!


slidein2meplz 63F
1994 posts
1/12/2006 12:54 am

Fantastic post Trav....very, very good... I think your best one and most sincerest yet... Very proud of you. Very proud to call you friend.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_LilBlondeNZ 42F
1028 posts
1/12/2006 1:26 am

What is this a soap opera???

You cant just come back to life....

Grrrrrr and I eulogized you....



XOXO

A


iwantsumfun76 41F

1/12/2006 2:04 am

Trav, I have been watching your blog for a while and it seems you have come such a long way since your separation. It's like you have turned over a new leaf in your life and not looking back. This is a fantastic post and I wish you all the best for what you do with the rest of your life

xx
K


curious082385 32F
4925 posts
1/12/2006 2:36 am

I think that the majority of the people here have, at one point or another, been in that position of one day waking up and realizing that we have lost ourselves and don't quite know how we got so lost. The lucky ones find people who can help lead them back. So glad that you have made it to this point...it speaks volumes for your strength and courage.


sweetdarlin71 46F

1/12/2006 2:47 am

Very well said, Trav. You have worked hard to get to where you are now, it's time to start reaping some of the rewards. You done good!

Thank you for your openness and honesty, your vulnerability is testimony to your strength.


rm_titsandtires 53M/42F
3656 posts
1/12/2006 6:22 am

"Each of you has revealed something about me that I did not know."

Were you referring to the time that you tricked me into telling everyone that i shave my balls?

tires


MillsShipsGayly 53M

1/12/2006 6:25 am

Good luck Trav...


angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
1/12/2006 7:46 am

Trav...I could see the difference in your eyes before even reading your post. Congratulations on your 400th post....and the new life. Old things pass away, but the lessons we learn never leave us. March in to your new life!


aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
1/12/2006 7:46 am

Every day I learn how good I truly have things. We all have our own problems to deal with. Everytime I think that I have problems, I turn on the TV and see people w/ many more problems than me. Reading this has made me feel better. I can't imagine what you've gone through. I very much enjoyed this post. Thanks for being very honest and open in your blog!


AlbertPrince 59M

1/12/2006 9:11 am

Didn't I see you arguing with yourself on the Jerry Springer show?


DTduzDallas 51F

1/12/2006 9:18 am

**smooch**


need2havfun76 41M

1/12/2006 10:45 am

This post gives me hope. A hope that I will find myself, and find out who I am. Everything changes, it's up to us whether it is for the better or not. You've made your choice, and we cheer you for it.

Thank you for this great post.


deliciousngood 65F
1666 posts
1/12/2006 11:08 am

Never lost, yet found!

Keep the past where it belongs and look only ahead. I just kinda "met" you, but I liked you immendiately...honesty is an important communication tool!

Keep writing, tho!

Love and Light,

Alice


CelticKarma 45F
1350 posts
1/12/2006 11:30 am

*HUG*

Never forget we love you, sweets, and when you forget your good qualitties we'll remind you of them as many times as it takes.

Congrats on 400 and bigger congrats on becoming the man you are now, the man we always knew you were.


WillowWhispers2U 57F

1/12/2006 1:30 pm

Trav - This post brought tears to my eyes! Your struggles and your passion for life remind me very much of the man I met here, who recently died so suddenly and tragically at the age of 49. I am so happy that you are grateful to be where you are today - in the here and now - despite the torment and travails you've endured to arrive at these realizations. There will always be challenges - that is LIFE - but now I'm confident you are in a much better place to continue the rest of your journey.
God bless,
Willow

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anais Nin


mistymommie 41F

1/12/2006 2:33 pm

Trav-You are a truly beautiful man. I am speechless. You have touched my life in the short time that I have been her for the possitive.

I so enjoy reading your blog. It is a mirror to my own life sometimes. It comforts me knowing how others have dealt in the situations that I am going through.

You are strong and good hearted. You seem to have healed with time and I applaued you for that. Keep going strong and take care sweetman.

Misty {=}


kyplowboy22 63M

1/12/2006 4:08 pm

well daid, beau. Later

kpb


kokopelli_123 52M

1/12/2006 5:22 pm

You're a wonderful being Trav. Most of us here know that. Best wishes on the new job and please, blog when you can.


AGNJoe1 48M

1/12/2006 8:02 pm

Trav...dude.

What can I say to such a totally awesome blog such as this?

To be so honest, so open in this post, to allow us to share in your troubles, your pain, and to have you allow us, the people that read your blog to participate, that is amazing in itself. But what's most amazing is the journey you had, and the journey you have just begun. While I'm but an young infant in the blogging world here at AdultFriendFinder, you have grown to a great writer and a good friend. I am HONORED to have you as a friend and though we've known each other for a short time, I'm glad to be your friend.

There's only one thing else I can say....

WHEN THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET LAID HERE?

Just kidding Trav. Congrats, god bless, and keep blogging!

AGN Joe


rm_jynxgurl 31F
209 posts
1/12/2006 8:36 pm

yep, I also have found the blog to be very helpfull dealing with psychological issues as I do many do, but you are the first to post so effectivly just how cleansing and comforting this blog site is. Great post. I am glad you can look in the mirror and be happy, you deserve it, you are a great guy who deserves a great wife some day. I wish you all my great crazy jynx luck that you do *note jynx for me is actual good luck cuz I have special power over it ^_^ hehehe*


bangingmyhead 55M
157 posts
1/12/2006 8:43 pm

    Quoting travelingintexas:
    Banging~~ Buddy... My current supply is running low. I need a snickers refill... whats the holdup!?
Let me know what hotel you're staying in. I'll make sure the vending machine is stocked


rm_DaphneR 59F
8023 posts
1/12/2006 9:16 pm

I only discourage? Hrmmmm....

Oh yeah, must be when I tell you that you shouldn't be an asshat.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


FeistySyn 53F

1/12/2006 10:00 pm

Hi Trav....

Your post, I am almost typeless ... I have always been such a positive person... but the past year and a half, I feel like I have just been beaten over the head with one thing or another... ugly divorce... death of someone I loved very much... wicked betrayal by my closest (only AZ) friend....serious health issues ... but through it all, I have tried to keep on smiling. I have always read, you get what you project. I will/would simply LIE when I was feeling down or bad or depressed - if you say you are great and you smile, everyone smiles back and usually it becomes infectious and things are great.... for a time.

Reading your blog today made me realize how close to the "edge" I am right now. I quit my job today. I am a thinker, planner, not implusive.... I have had this job for 5 1/2 years. I have put up with a LOT there working for someone who had never been self employed before, never had to manage staff and who I came to realize pretty quickly, is never ever wrong. I stayed a long time for a lot of valid reasons, but bad far outweighed the good this past few months so today I gave my notice.

Am dancing on air.... floating on the possibilities... frightened as I could possibly be, but incredibly excited that there is a new journey finally in store for me. thx Trav.... I gather my strength from reading your posts... I hope one day I will be where you are now... HAPPY maybe? CONTENT maybe? STRONG ... thats my goal... those sound good together **** HAPPY **** CONTENT **** STRONG**** .. thats all I think it would take... maybe my new mantra!

xxxoooo for you trav for allowing me to join in... i hope you will consider me a new friend...

Synn

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?
~~~~~


rm_cockmerollme 46F
1223 posts
1/13/2006 12:23 am

Most of the time your writing is extrodinary. Your taste in music and Republicans leaves a lot to be desired. I tend to be critical to balance out all the fanmail. You are an attractive gentleman.
If blogging on here has helped you in the way you say it has, well, that's great.
You own your future. Learn from your past, but don't let it drag you down.
You are only one human man.
And we are all doing the best we can with what we have.

LET'S GO METS!!!


bulging_boy 50M

1/13/2006 2:07 am

You make me proud to know you buddy!

and I mean that!


rm_moohand 49F

1/13/2006 3:05 am

Pulpit is to ministers and AdultFriendFinder is to????????? i will send them all to you. You have done the walking falling game and made it with such tremedous results!!!!!!!! well done and preach it.


tillerbabe 57F

1/13/2006 3:06 am

YOU my dear are such an inspiration to me and a wonderful friend!{=}
I know for a fact you have touched som eon here with our words...there are "more" here that have lived your hell than you realize..that have gone through what you have and I knw that you have helped them with this post.

I don't know what else to say.. but I love you.

See you at the wedding! {=}


StreaktheFreak 39F

1/13/2006 4:31 am

you have such an openness in this world, as a blogger, i think that a lot of people find somewhere that they don't have to hide anything about who they are here...

from one who never had it to one who lost it,
thank you.


pinkplaytoyz 51F

1/13/2006 6:26 am

Thank you for sharing your history with us. It is a true man that knows where he comes from. Many of us have sunk into blackness and lost a great deal, but the beauty comes with our resurrection. Yes, your eyes are clear now.


bardicman 51M

1/13/2006 2:15 pm

400th Post... WOW.. I didn't even know you had a blog.



I am not dead yet


hairbabedeliverz 53F
8 posts
1/16/2006 1:06 am

some of us do know you, because we know ourselves. You are always in my prayers. I wish you much happiness and good fortune. Remember that you are in a unique position. For someone like me, who had nothing and lost everything, getting up was not easy, but not as difficult as someone who has everything. Each new day brings fresh hope.

Always,
Jennifer


LadytoPleaseYou 65F
5447 posts
1/16/2006 11:42 pm

Compared to you and many others I am very new to this site and even newer to blogging. After reading this post, I feel as if I read the ending of the book first, or caught the end of a good movie, but in actuality what I have done is walked into a new life starting afresh. It is indeed uplifting to read of someone who has walked thought hell barefoot and naked and come out on the other side a changed person. A person who has fought their demons and endured the pain and torture of drawing each searing breath and lived not only to tell others about it, but became a better person because of it.
You don't talk about religion. I can understand that. I don't believe in it myself. I believe in Faith. Know that you were never alone. Nor will you ever be, no matter what befalls you.

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?


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