Is this how you do it?  

time4me2Bfree 47F
11 posts
6/18/2006 9:53 am

Last Read:
7/29/2006 10:16 pm

Is this how you do it?

In the oddity of my life my husband and I have separated... but only emotionally... He has not left my kids. In fact he lives in our home and we are attempting to stay friends while we settle into a new pattern of relationship.

At first I thought it would never work....I was bitter and angry and hurt and he was smothered and unhappy and really just wanted to be free... free of me.

Oddly enough, last week he went to see his online "Kizmet connection" I had reached the point where I was done, simply because I did not want to be with someone who acted the way he had. So I took him to get the rental car, printed off directions for his trip. Did not say one word about the expense of it. (ouch) Told him I hoped he found what he was looking for and came back saner than he left. Next day he called me to tell me that it wasn't quite what a love connection. (small snigger)

He came home 2 days ago and we have chatted and talked just like old friends.

He came back and told me about the place he visited and how amazing the scenery was. Neither of us have had a vacation in 15 years that was remotely impressive... so I enjoyed sharing second hand the adventure he had.

We talked together about how odd a situation it was to spend 6 months building this relationship and then meeting someone who did not look like they said, was not the size they said they were, yet was the same personality that he had become so fond of. The conversation that had to happen about the lack of physical desire and the result on her and him and their 3 days together. I teased him as I would any friend about online dating disasters. I pointed out that he had fed into this as much as she and that was his mistake. I found I was not as bitter as before (is it distance and acceptance of our being apart? or is it that it didn't work out, so poses no threat?) and other than a small smile at being right, I felt no need to punish or say I told you so.

We sleep in separate rooms and I feel as if I am finding my friend again. We were always very close friends and it was more the betrayal of that trust that killed me than anything else. Yet, I am reserved. We have built a life for our children, and if we can be friends and continue that life for their sake, I am willing to do so. I even look a little forward to dating again. To someone else finding ME amazing and fascinating, desirable and sexy.

But I remember the harsh words, I remember the betrayal, I remember that he failed to "hold his position" when the marriage was under fire. I remember...

I never had any intention of finding someone or even allowing someone to come into my kids' life. I was single before and never brought home anyone I dated, until him. I just figure that anyone I meet would understand that they were not part of my kids' life, just part of mine. Tall order to fill and one I worry a little about, but not forever....when the kids are grown up they won't care who I date... Until then, they have Mom and Dad and occasionally Mom and Dad go out.

It seems too idyllic to hope it lasts but I am hopeful. I going to fight for that idyll. For their sake, and my own.

So the weirdness of my life is that this may be possible. Eventually, I hope I can place my trust in him as my friend. I will always love him and he me, (we would scream that at each other back in the original break up known as the BAD DAYS). But together we were just going through the motions. If I could wish for anything it is that he would have tried to fix it. Face it and remember our love and work to reconnect instead of looking for it somewhere else. But we don't get do-overs in life.

So, we have this love, that we can't seem to kill (I TRIED) and are rebuilding our friendship and providing a stable and happy place for the children to grow.

Yet, Still in the dark of the night, when no one can see me.... I want so badly to crawl back into those arms, to drink in his smell, to be to him what I was before... To trust him to be that for me. I was safe and happy there for so I walk the floor... I turn over and think of something else...and I hope that tomorrow night I want it less.


6/18/2006 10:16 am

Darlin', I wish you the very best of luck and happiness. It seems life has dealt you a very hard blow and I commend you for trying to make the best of things for your kids. Take care darlin'.

PineyFolks 60M/60F

6/18/2006 10:27 am

Good luck in your choice. It can work that way but it can be uncomfortable at times. I wish you both the best of luck.


time4me2Bfree 47F
9 posts
6/20/2006 12:30 pm

Thank You... This is actually a good time for me. Life offers possibilities and the friendship is stablizing.... We will see.

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