Strings and the lack thereof ...  

tamethytension 56M
1660 posts
9/27/2005 1:19 pm

Last Read:
2/16/2007 8:53 pm

Strings and the lack thereof ...

This first appeared as a comment on yagottalikit in the post Keep It Real.
To paraphrase her question ...

How can one spend all day with someone and not expect some semblance of a "relationship" to develop? No strings, and drama free....

My take on "No Strings":

No strings = no guilt NOT no emotional attachment. With the understanding that it is not forever and exclusively, express exactly what you are feeling. So long as he comfortable with that knowledge, he may just be willing to express exactly what he is feeling. I have felt a sincere love with most of my affairs. A feeling I hold for most of my companions long after we have parted as lovers yet remaining friends. I genuinely care for them and ask after their health and well-being. That this is so is because I was able to make plain my sincere feeling of love within the context of an acknowledged casual affair. The words "I love you" should not be forbidden, simply understood to mean not necesarily forever and exclusively. Of course, in time stronger bonds may be forged such that level of committment may be re-visited. But provided you assure the guy that the "rules of engagement" have not changed, then I think an open expression of feelings is more likely forthcoming.

good luck


rm_01amante 50F

12/23/2006 4:27 am

I wish he would start talking, instead of keeping silent because it is more easy and confortable, then he'll be surprised I leave him because I'm tired of running to stand still (I too am a U2 fan).
There is nothing worse than feeling stuck in a dead end street of high brick walls with no door on the side. And what is even more worse is he does not come running after me and say "ok, let's talk about us". When you lived that episode a dozen time, you're quite infuriated by the words "no strings" and you feel like buying a punshing ball.

It is a pleasure to read you, I don't read much poetry but authors such as John Irving or Paul Auster. I always am convince that you "meet" the most exquisite person in the oddest of places. That is why I stay here, even though I really read a lot of uninteresting bullshit in my mail box. Thanks for rising the level to excellence.
Enjoy a merry sensual and loving Christmas.

rm_01amante 50F

12/21/2006 6:01 am

I guess I'm not cut out to live happily my "casual non strings affairs". I feel the emptiness of the after love & lust very strongly.

I also sometimes feel much lack of respect which makes it more and more difficult for me to give a chance to soemone new and to get into bed, because humiliation is not part of my fantasies.

I still cannot get used to the fact that usually, it is always the woman that needs to express her feelings and inevitably, it drives the man to just run scared as if someone was trying to get him on a leech with handcuffs.

If I state I 'm not looking for a husband, it is understood I'm just a one night stand ... Really, can we go beyond the clich├ęs ?

I really cannot stand the affected indifference in my lover's attitude and I 'm tired, at 39, of all theses game playing, I believe there is so much more to sex than just sex and that should be aknowledge by both parties not only the woman.

I do believe that commiting to caring for someone does not come lightly to someone, that a bond, beyond lust and love, has to exist, coming from sharing more in life than the bedroom pleasures.

Since I've been here, it has been my understanding that what they want is to please themselves first.

Maybe I profoundly disagree with the selfishness and individualism that is uttered here by men wanting to use a woman for their pleasure without ever thinking of hers.

I disagree with it the same way if it is a woman, don't think I'm sexist.

I have a difficult time adjusting to the rules I guess due to an education which was highly idealising love and marriage.

I'm thus now very much against marriage and pretty damn scared of falling in love, again, with a "no strings casual affairs" men.
(forgive me for English is not my mother tongue).

tamethytension replies on 12/21/2006 12:21 pm:
(forgive me for English is not my mother tongue).

I would never have guessed ... you do very well.

And thank you for this heartfelt exposition on the pitfalls o relationships where sex seems to be the only common denominator between two people. And I agree that basically men need to grow up and accept responsibility for a sexual relationship, no matter how fleeting it may prove in the end.

julie4daddy34 47F
599 posts
4/4/2006 4:27 am

I now have a better understanding of what you were saying in my blog. Very nicely put.

Priapeo 48M

10/4/2005 10:08 am

I think many people who have the custom of using their brains, sooner or later will arrive at contesting the usual meaning of the "no-strings" clause, that is "Don't expect anything from me because I can kick you in the butt anytime without having to explain you why".

I already wrote three or four times about it, and cannot but agree with TameThyTension's fine distinction. And, more or less, all ladies seem to agree on one point that no one I think can deny: sex generates feelings, and feelings in this case are step-sons of love. That's why I never believed in loveless sex, seems a bit of oxymoron to me. To me no-strings means "If I change my mind about this relationship, I must feel free to say 'goodbye' and you must try to understand my reasons and not to bind me to the cenotaph of our shared good memories". Yes, I know it's a long meaning, but it is quite accurate this way


Never argue with an idiot. He brings you down to his level then beats you with experience

caressmewell 55F

9/29/2005 12:50 pm

I agree and very well written. Thank you for posting your thoughts on the subject.

frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
9/29/2005 9:11 am

But it is also something that has to be completely understood by both parties going into. T


frbnkslady 49F
6183 posts
9/29/2005 9:10 am

I have 'no strings' written on my profile. I have no problem becoming friends with the men whom I choose to start an affair with. To me it means I just don't want a relationship/partnership. I would much rather become and remain friends. You can never have to many of those. On the other hand, I also don't want the entanglement at this point and time. T


redmartinigirl 44F

9/27/2005 11:33 pm

I'm glad you posted this in your blog. The casual affair is a hard concept to grasp and you put it very nicely. Women have a harder time having sex with someone that they don't have some type of a connection with. Men seem to have it easier and have no problems getting up and leaving when they are done. It's a trick to find a partner that can understand what it is you're offering and what you can receive from them. It takes communication and follow through. And it takes a friend to be able to know when they are putting their own needs in front of their friends... when that happens, they are no longer being a friend, but a user. It's difficult to tell the difference sometimes. We have to learn to recognize it in ourselves before we can point the finger.

One of the blogs asked the question about feeling like they've had sex as the opposite sex. I answered that I felt that I had. In the sense that some men have sex as a purely physical act. with NO emotional connection at all. I didn't like it at all. Even though I had an orgasm, I was unfulfilled. I thought it would be fine and I was wrong. Now I know for sure that in any casual affair there needs to be an emotional connection - no string, but at least an underlying sense of courtesy and respect.

saddletrampsk 56F

9/27/2005 4:22 pm

I agree also..I can't share an intimate moment with someone and then turn off a "feelings" switch..doesn't mean I wanna spent the rest of my life with them..but maybe spend some lovely sex time with them..well thought out explanation and btw I love reading your blog..

ginaginagina33 46F

9/27/2005 2:41 pm

I agree, very well put. Probably the best explanation of 'no string' I've ever read or heard for that matter.

Goldenhairgodess 64F
396 posts
9/27/2005 2:31 pm

I agree 100% with what you are saying. I cannot give myself to someone without a part of my heart going with it. And it hurts me when the guy feels so threatened by my carring that they feel they must sever any ties, least they become entangled with strings. Or go out of their way to prove that they do not give a damn about me. I do not want to possess them as mine and mine alone-unless they want to be exclusive. At the same time, If I am there for them when needed, It should be no big deal to come through for me in a time of need. Why is that so hard for them to understand?

PailsDiverHonks 57F

9/27/2005 2:15 pm

That was well put. Most on here including myself always felt when someone said NO STRINGS they ment no attachement, no feelings..kind of like a fuck buddy relationship. No communication other then phone calls to hook up...I like how you phrased your opinion of no strings.

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