Forgiveness & Regrets  

sweetemotion661 56F
24 posts
4/26/2006 9:35 pm

Last Read:
5/23/2006 5:02 am

Forgiveness & Regrets


I was speaking with a very very dear friend of mine tonight and much we share in common, so also we have much different.

He (like ALL of us) has regrets over the past....and as I listened patiently to him...wanting more than life to help him heal I discovered a huge difference between he & I. As I listened to his regrets I heard bitterness in him. At one point he started to sound like a victim. He spoke of carrying his scars, scars he would carry the rest of his life. This is where he & I disagreed, I believe scars can be healed. It takes effort & desire to heal...but healing is better than the alternative.

As I listened to him thoughts flew thru my head....impressions really....bitterness, lack of forgiveness, blaming, being victimized, used, and ultimately discarded & thrown away. Yet in his case, it has been years since his pain, mere months for my recent inflicted injuries. I thought maybe he still feels this pain because he still loves this woman and regrets what he wanted for them that didn't come to be. He said I may have a valid point about his feelings, he related to me the beauty of this woman, yet also related the horrible and wicked side to her as well. Honestly, sounded to me like he was holding onto a dream that could never be.

Forgiveness to both himself & to this woman for what she did needs to be granted. I asked him when he has been able to forgive someone, he said when they are dead & gone. Then I knew the problem, but don't know how to share it.....in order to move on in ones life, my impression is....you must be able to forgive, that really is the only way to start to forget the regret.

What are your thoughts on forgiveness, how does one accomplish forgiveness in your view?

What about regrets, how do you overcome them?

azuremoonlight 70F

4/26/2006 10:20 pm

My husband sounds like this man you are speaking of. I met him and he could not let the past go. The past included his sisters whom he felt betrayed him during the divorce from his ex-wife. He ranted and raved on and on and no matter how many times I advised he let it go...and now it had been some 4 years???? that perhaps he sould call them and amend the situation by forgiving. Wrong thing to say! He would not forgive them for blood is thicker than water and they should of stood by him. Since I have spoken to one of the sisters and her side was they were suppose to drop the sister-in-law whom they cared about for his side of the story. It was not only this story but his x wife and the x girlfriend I had to hear about. Just like your story...the good and bad but mostly how he had been wronged.

My experience is once a person has this kind of hate, discomfort, whatever the word is, they can not move on with a good, positive, strong relationship. They will find fault in you and because of their past, no matter how much is to blame for either party, it will always be your fault and you that has to make all the changes to make this person happy. I doubt very seriously they will be happy til, as you mentioned, they forgive.

Wishing you happiness.


sweetemotion661 56F

4/27/2006 4:41 am

azure....

I sincerely want to thank you for your experience about your ex. I'll add a bit about me in a moment that has an odd connection to your comment.....karma in the works maybe???

I appreciate your thoughts on regrets & forgiveness....and I (from my experience) agree & believe it is possible to let go IF ONE WANTS TO. Obviously your husband didn't want to and perhaps my friend also doesn't want to. Sad to say...but some people enjoy being a victim.

Now, here's the weird connection I have on a personal note to your comment....10 years ago I was going thur a divorce with my first husband with whom I have 2 children. I didn't want to uproot the kids to a life of uncertainty so I left them with my now ex in the family home until I got on my feet. I also left the area where I was living so basically moved away from my kids. Greatest pain & biggest mistake of my life...but that is another story.

My siblings who lived in the same area as my ex & I did, the same area where my children live turned against me & went to court in behalf of NOT me...their sister....but instead went to court in behalf of my ex husband with regards to the custody of my kids! Talk about the ultimate betrayal! Blood is thicker than water? Hum mm, my experience has shown me otherwise, even though I was raised being told that by my own family that turned against me.

Well, sounds a bit like your hubbies experience, doesn't it? Obviously for years I HATED them. I lived the life of a victim for a while. Then one day I realized my life was lacking the closeness and love and peace and harmony that I deserved. I am blessed and basically "have it all" am back living around the corner from my children's father, have a great relationship with my kids...I did all I could to right my wrong so to speak. My children have forgiven me, my ex has forgiven me, I have close friends who love me, however the bitterness and hate I felt for my siblings festered like a sore that I wasn't allowing to heal.

I knew I could never love them again. I knew for my own mental health I had to forgive as best I could. I felt forgetting wouldn't be appropriate due to the betrayal and it really showed me that I couldn't trust them...but I could forgive them.

Today I speak with my sister, I know I can't trust her any farther than I can throw her...but I don't hate anymore. My brother refuses to speak to me, I don't hate him, really I feel sorry for him because he professes to be christian and yet acts like this to his own sister? God bless him when he stands before the throne on his judgment day! I don't hate him...I feel pity.

When I was speaking with my friend last night, I tried to impress that I was betrayed by blood.......and in spite of that I was able FOR MY OWN HEALTH & HAPPINESS to forgive them. Also, for years the huge regret & guilt I felt in leaving my children behind ate at me. The last person to forgive them self in that was me. Everyone had forgiven my wrong, except me. Just within the last few months have I truly forgiven myself.

Now, for the first time in 10 years I'm as good as I can be (I think)with the issue of my past mistakes. My scars were (I feel) the greatest scar a person can endure, yet I not only have survived....but have been able to THRIVE!!!

I hope maybe your hubby can reach reconciliation with his past, I wish the same for my friend. But that is a choice only THEY can make, isn't it?

Thanks for your "warning" to me. I will never ever again allow myself to be blamed for something I haven't done. Been there & done that too...but again...that is a different story as well

Thanks for visiting!


Sorceror07 55M

4/27/2006 11:15 pm

i'm just happy and relieved that you and JD have 'burried the hatchet' and all seems well yes, forgiveness is the major step in the healing process, in coming to terms with events in the past, forgiveness not only of the other person... but also of yourself too. and perhaps that is the more important of the two.

...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!...


azuremoonlight 70F

4/28/2006 1:56 pm

Thoughout my life as I can see yours and many fall under the same, things are done with much regret and pain. WE do those things for all kinds of reasons because they need to be done. For good or for bad most people do not understand why we do it. Perhaps we don't either but just seemed right at the moment.

Through life's little lessons we learn, grow and mature. We are able to help those that will go through much of what we did with wisdom, concern and just to stand by and allow them to chose their path. No one can tell another what is right or wrong for their situation.

I am very happy to be my age now, having gone through much as you even mention of your life with your children and family. Why? Because I better understand others without judging.

It is really great that you chose to let the past and pain go. Allow yourself the greatest gift as you have already and will continue doing. When we allow ourselves to move on, forgive and eventually, I promise to even forget. Never to forget so much as not bring forth when situations come to us and allow us to be warned to carefully look before we make that final decision.

Sorry, I do ramble *warm smile*

Wishing you moonbeams of happiness.


_Safira 54F
11260 posts
5/3/2006 8:58 am

I forgive all ... everything, always. However, I am not God-like, and I do not forget. Both of these aspects have helped me live, rather than simply survive. There are people in my life who I cannot be around because they are poison to me ... five minutes in their presence, and I'm ready to lock-up myself in either a jail or a padded cell. And THAT'S just my various family members!

Redemption is tough. I have meted out just as much, if not more, evil than that which was perpetuated on me in my "holy quest" for justice. I knowingly (and occasionally unwittingly) hurt many others in that journey. I have made amends where I could. I have prayed for forgiveness from God and those souls where I could not. I pray for forgiveness daily, mostly from myself FOR myself. One day it will fully come.

Yes ... I fully realize the dichotmous nature of the above. Yet that is me in a nutshell.


This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

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sweetemotion661 56F

5/5/2006 5:02 am

    Quoting _Safira:
    I forgive all ... everything, always. However, I am not God-like, and I do not forget. Both of these aspects have helped me live, rather than simply survive. There are people in my life who I cannot be around because they are poison to me ... five minutes in their presence, and I'm ready to lock-up myself in either a jail or a padded cell. And THAT'S just my various family members!

    Redemption is tough. I have meted out just as much, if not more, evil than that which was perpetuated on me in my "holy quest" for justice. I knowingly (and occasionally unwittingly) hurt many others in that journey. I have made amends where I could. I have prayed for forgiveness from God and those souls where I could not. I pray for forgiveness daily, mostly from myself FOR myself. One day it will fully come.

    Yes ... I fully realize the dichotmous nature of the above. Yet that is me in a nutshell.
I can totally relate to those people it is impossible to be around. My siblings fall among that realm. I forgive their ignorance, their lack of desire to know me for who I really am...but I can not forget.


sweetemotion661 56F

5/5/2006 5:04 am

    Quoting Sorceror07:
    i'm just happy and relieved that you and JD have 'burried the hatchet' and all seems well yes, forgiveness is the major step in the healing process, in coming to terms with events in the past, forgiveness not only of the other person... but also of yourself too. and perhaps that is the more important of the two.
Sorc....at first I had no idea who JD was.....then today it dawned on me.

The person I speak of here is not JD.....it is my best friend, the man dear & closest to my heart.


GB_Cple 67M/56F  
3113 posts
5/10/2006 5:53 am

To err is human
to forgive is devine.

for those that believe, if God can forgive ,
so can we,

for those that don't believe,
the same


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