Does Marriage Rest upon a Perversity?  

startingOver102 56M
10 posts
7/16/2005 9:05 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Does Marriage Rest upon a Perversity?

So I'm literally watching my own marriage disintegrate. It's in its very last throes. I'm quite satisfied to watch it go the way of all flesh.

And I find myself wondering a lot these days about what I want in the future. Oh, I know I want a passionate relationship. At least one. But I find myself really puzzling over the question of marriage.

Obviously at this point I'm not exactly ready to jump right back into the fire. I'm not even completely out of the current fire. But I nevertheless find myself wondering about it, mostly because I imagine most any woman I start seeing will be inclined to think that if our relationship is good and great, then it means we're supposed to get married (yes, I realize there are exceptions to this).

All of which brings me to this question: is marriage based upon a perversity?

It seems to me that the foundation of marriage (as our culture conceives it) is the commitment "to have and to hold, forsaking all others, until death do you part". From a sociological persective, I think I understand the driving forces behind this: the certainly of parental lineage, the stability of the home (so far as raising kids is concerned), the confidence that old age will not be confronted alone.

But there seems to be a perverse side-effect of the marriage vows. It is, quite simply, that it takes people off the hook for remaining attractive, desireable persons. How often is it the case that once someone gets married, they go to pot physically? Pretty often. But have you ever noticed that they often also got to pot in the way they treat people, especially the spouse? They do things, and say things, that they could never get away with if they weren't saying them to their spouse.

In other words, the vow of commitment becomes a license to live and act like a complete slob and/or ass. That's really perverse. It's as though once the pressure is off to "get somebody", there's no pressure at all to "keep the somebody."

All of which makes me think that some arrangement of a relationship just short of marriage may well be the ideal for having and preserving a real and passionate relationship.

Maybe it's living together. Maybe it's living close and visiting often (as one of my friends puts it). But it seems obvious to me that the reality that someone just might leave the relationship creates a hell of a lot of incentive to pay attention to how I live and behave, so as to remain attractive in every way possible to my Significant Other.

I can't imagine that having such pressure on me is a bad thing. Oh, sure, I may not always like it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a good thing for me because it keeps me motivated to be the best person I can be: the best friend, lover, and companion to my SO. And I can't image that it's bad for my SO.

Yeah, I suppose that's what marriage is supposed to be. But I got wore out years ago wasting time on what things were supposed to be but rarely, if ever, were. I'm more interesting at this point in my own life in finding practical things that work, as opposed to satisfying society's tradition of the ideal relationship.

I think at this point I'm inclined to hope I can find someone who will share the live close, visit often option.

misbhavinsatx 57F

7/16/2005 10:14 pm

I agree I'ld never thought of the "LIVE CLOSE but VISIT OFTEN" option but it gives you each time to do your own thing and time to miss each other too...Yeppers I do think thats the best road for me too!!!!!!{thats IF I ever find anyone]

UnlitMaserSaxon 55M/53F
15 posts
7/16/2005 10:33 pm

A very thoughtful and articulate posting. I started to draft a response as a comment and then realized it would make a good posting for my own blog, so I put it there at [blog BoredAvenger].

babsygirl 56F

7/17/2005 6:04 am

I'm finding that my ideal relationship is to have my house...he has his....and we meet in the middle somewhere....

It's a lifestyle that enhances both the man and the woman....both free to have life...yet have each other....I"ve lived with my ex for over 11 yrs...but it got ugly...

Sometimes the living with someone....its just hard....

good blog...

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