Control Breaks, Tangents, Self-fulfilling Prophesies, Sleep  

spinmedown 50M
1607 posts
3/8/2006 6:49 pm

Last Read:
3/29/2006 4:35 pm

Control Breaks, Tangents, Self-fulfilling Prophesies, Sleep

10 Screw Something Up
15 Feel Bad About Screwing It Up
20 goto 10

I have been in a rut for a long time now. Many years in fact. A comfortable rut: similar to the effects on carbon monoxide poisoning. Just enough off from healthy for the effects to be cumulative and destructive, but hardly noticable until someone bursts in and drags you out into the fresh air.

set i = 1
10 Screw Something Up
15 Feel Bad About Screwing It Up
16 i = i + 1
20 goto 10

I had my first, serious relationship over 20 years ago. When I look back at all of my failed relationships since then; I see a similar pattern. Initialization, Processing and Housekeeping have all been roughly the same. The number of clock cycles might vary but the output was always the same. Garbage in and garbage out. My garbage. My baggage.

set i = 0
10 Screw Something Up
15 Feel Bad About Screwing It Up
16 i = i + 1
17 print i
20 goto 10

I don't want to keep doing this to myself and others. I have been looking at my past failures, the total of them. I am painfully aware of them, and I want the next one to be the one where I get it right finally. I think I finally deserve that.

How do I break this loop?

If I Screw Something Up:
Then goto What?

If I Feel Bad About Screwing It Up:
Then goto What?

Time is linear.
Timelines are linear.
Lifelines should therefore also be linear.

They should look like this:


But mine looks like this:

Loop( x = x + 1 )-Loop( x = x + 1 )-

Not so much a trail to be blazed with each new step.
But a track left by the turning of a wheel - the sum of the circumferences of the revolutions.

I am not walking. I am coasting. I am not engaging the journey with each step. I am revolving within the circle that contains me.

All things tangental to myself. My own pi.

I allow the baggage that I carry from my past experiences to shape my future experiences. My fears, my anger, my shame, my shallowness, my selfishness, my immaturity, my thoughtlessness: these things turn the wheel. And in turning the wheel; they doom my future.

Step 1: x = x + 1

100 I am loopy from lack of sleep.
200 I will rest until Sunday.
300 I will try to gain control.

Loop or Step?

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
3/8/2006 6:58 pm

Did you fall asleep watching A Beautiful Mind again?????

But you know, I'm not even sure that time is linear. Here's my best shot: Rent or read "What the Bleep Do We Know" and get back to me. We'll take it from there.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

CuriousAries67 50F

3/8/2006 7:13 pm

Spin ~ You are in my thoughts and prayers as you try to debug your life program. You've taken the first step - you realize what's wrong. If you're smart enough to know there is a problem, you are smart enough to ameliorate it. Blessed be. ~aries

rm_AnOddGirl 58F
3469 posts
3/8/2006 9:19 pm

Zero counts too. (00 01 10 11 DNA String?)
Haven't seen a loop in years.

Maybe you need to remember what made you 'you' as a kid. (My 'thing' for mud and rainstorms is from my childhood)

As a child we have No preconceived notions/expections. Our ideals are as close as the tv/home/school.

As teens, dear god. I stopped dating a guy because a 'friend' told me he was seeing someone else, she didn't tell me it was her.

Peer pressure/Family ideas/Religous moras/Societys' views changes us.

Sometimes it is hard to remember what made us happy as kids.
I actually found this helped me during a very hard time.

Hell, it doesn't hurt to be a kid and go out to play.


fantasia_shares 48M/44F
4164 posts
3/8/2006 9:29 pm


Possible solution...could be...a woman smart enough to see underneath it all, that there is a valuable man worth fighting the garbage for?

I mean, my hubby has his faults, just like I have mine. I just call him on his shit...and continue to have a good relationship with him. As long as the shit has been called for what it is...and he knows I don't like it nor am willing to tolerate it, it is his to manage, not mine. I refuse to own his shit, and he refuses to own mine. No one is perfect. Everyone has positive qualities. Do yours mesh with the people you get together with? Maybe you need to look for different qualities in a woman. For the most part, we still mesh. Yes, we both have our fantasy "pefect lovers" but let's get real, here, there isn't anyone alive who really lives up to the tag of "perfect." Sometimes good enough is really a lot better than you realize, and just takes some putting it into perspective to realize you have something great, and in fact, enviable.

Oh, and quit looking for that one who makes you hot...and look for that one that has the same goals and values that you do, m'dear.

Just my .02.


You might want to know who to watch out for around here: Are YOU a Dirty Bad Man or Woman !

Please tell me the secrets of your sex appeal Primping!

And a MUST READ: [post 2294897]

Just shamelessly pimping my own damned blog!

catseyes23 62F

3/8/2006 9:50 pm

Rest until sunday, sweetheart and come back refreshed. {=}


rm_sj365 57F
2414 posts
3/8/2006 10:00 pm

*rolls eyes @ spin*

didnt RB teach you ANYthing when you two were weaving baskets together?

it isnt math or science...
its art ...its poetry...its religion

themisskrissy 57F
2302 posts
3/8/2006 11:39 pm

none of the numbers made any sense to me... i was stoned thru school, when i bothered to show up... and i was hanging out at the school newspaper, or the theater.. if i hadn't smoked up and fucked up my school career, i coulda bin a contenda...

own and embrace your failings... don't deny them... learn from them... get up close and personal with them... turn them upside down and inside out until you know why they are your failings... your troubles can shape your future in a more positive way... you can see the signs up ahead, and detour.......!!!

and if not, just get drunk and screw....kisses to ya' spinhon

Virtue Alone Ennobles

SolarPowered0 111M
8026 posts
3/9/2006 12:22 am

set i = 0
set x = F
10 Screw Something Up
20 x = T
30 Feel Bad About Screwing It Up
50 if x = F goto 70 else i = 1 / i
60 on error x = F
70 print i
80 if x = T goto 10
99 end

That's why God invented error traps, Spinner... to dump the loop. It's up to you how you set the variables. *LMAO*


BTW, Spin... a mind is a terrible thing to loop!

ediesedgewick 59F

3/9/2006 4:12 am

You break free of the familiar patterns and cycles when you are ready to--and only when you are ready to.

I think you are ready to. You'll see. Sleep.

keithcancook 61M
17930 posts
3/9/2006 6:54 am

"I allow the baggage that I carry from my past experiences to shape my future experiences. My fears, my anger, my shame, my shallowness, my selfishness, my immaturity, my thoughtlessness: these things turn the wheel. And in turning the wheel; they doom my future."

It is wise to remember the past. A man once said that to forget the past is to doom us to repeat it.

(I think it was Santa Ana. No. It was Santana's father. Wait! I know. It was saintlianna) She played a man once in a theatre-blog.

Actually, it was George Santayana, an American, who said "Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it."

Blog On!

clevergirl4U 59F

3/9/2006 8:26 am

I thought my life was going to be linear, too. I expected I would have acheived freakin' nirvana by now Mine hasn't been the cycle...more 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, 4 steps forward, 1 step back., etc., etc... I'm making progress, but when I am sitting on my ass with that last step backwards I am thinking "Wait, I'm not supposed to BE here...I'm SMARTER than this!" I think this might be the human condition for most of us...

MaggiesWishes 61F

3/9/2006 12:15 pm

The "loop of pi" gets you a "slice of life"! Order up!!!

We all have relationship patterns, good, not so good, and indifferent.
What makes the mistakes ... is the repeating of said same. If you learned from your past mistakes, even just one at a time, it makes it a life experience. AND you will think back and go, "Once was enough" now moving forward ....

Trying to be perfect for someone is not the answer. Try being the perfect person that you are, for you. And you will be seen by the one that adores you, as "just perfect". Even if you squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle, leave your socks in the bathroom, forget that a month ago ~ was the first encounter between you ... she will find you and together all the math will equal out.
1 + 1 = 2gether.

The want of someone to enjoy life with ... is worth the search, worth the mind boggeling thoughts, worth the mistakes, and worth the forgiviness of lover's gone and hopeful for the lover to come.

<another hopeful romantic>

my_brkn_heart 57F
71 posts
3/9/2006 2:23 pm

what are you doing inside my head?

craptoast 40M

3/9/2006 5:35 pm

i don't know. it's so hard. the program never has enough variables to completely deal with someone else, and it takes two to tango.

_Safira 54F
11260 posts
3/9/2006 8:02 pm

Darling ~ We need to discuss Quantum Physics, hiking, breaking the cycle, and a host of other things. What sort of Pringles do you like??? *gentle hugs* /

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.


tillerbabe 57F

3/9/2006 9:25 pm

Here's your answer:

"I allow the baggage that I carry from my past experiences to shape my future experiences. My fears, my anger, my shame, my shallowness, my selfishness, my immaturity, my thoughtlessness: these things turn the wheel. And in turning the wheel; they doom my future."

"Awareness is the first step to accountability. You already know.

"If I Screw Something Up:
Then goto What?" Learn from it and try to repair the not repeat the mistake!

"If I Feel Bad About Screwing It Up:
Then go to What?' Apologize, figure out what you did wrong... and what you should have done right - make corrections..

I'm gonna get tough now:

You need to stop using your past and your baggage as excuses for your behavior today! You have no excuses any more becuase you are obviously aware! {=}

AtomicArtist0 46M
6015 posts
3/9/2006 10:10 pm

boy, won't you be freaked out when the belgians invent time travel!

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
3/10/2006 12:46 pm

Math??? Why dont you just stab me in the heart?

Yours_2_Corrupt 40F

3/10/2006 3:01 pm

Spin my dear sweet man, take ten really deep breaths, stand up quickly, fall back on the couch, enjoy the dizziness, pet the cat, get up, go outside, breathe in that sweet fresh smoggy air, and take in the beautiful sights and sounds of what is. The baggage is just what you chose to bring with you. Let it go baby, it isn't worth the hassle of lugging it around. The only things you need with you are the lessons you've learned over time. The rest is just BS we keep because we think it protects us from doing what we've always done. In reality it's just what holds us back from getting to what we really deserve.

I feel a blog coming on...groan...

rm_awupnu469 54M

3/11/2006 9:47 pm

Life is not python programming........someone once told me....."Accept me as I am or F**K off"...though rude.... these words.. bemoan the truth.....evrything that lies within us is shaped by that which is around us........."Spin".... 42 yrs I've been figure relationships out.....I don't no more......Kenny Rodgers wrote a song sang by Bette Midler.........The Rose.....and its last verse is is something I live by......."Just remeber in the winter far beneath the bitter snow lies the seed that with the suns love in the spring becomes the Rose"........Sometimes I too feel as though my life is stagnated in a "Bitter winter".....but I know beneath that snow lies that which will grow......Andy Dufrane in the Shawshank Redemption said to Red........."Hope is a good thing" probably the best of things.........Hope is something we cannot see for if we see it why hope for it..........Hope is what lies beneath the....."Bitter snow"........I know its there........cant tell you where .........but its last thing....the Eagles said it all........"Take it easy"

LadytoPleaseYou 65F
5447 posts
3/14/2006 8:13 pm

No Keithcancook, I think it was Rosanne Rosannadanna that said that...
Just kidding

You already have some excellent advice here. There is nothing I can add, mostly because I feel I am in the same situation.

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?

spinmedown 50M
3626 posts
3/16/2006 3:19 pm

Oh no! They gave me something new to figure out. Let's give it a try Eeyore. Here goes...
Hey! That's pretty cool!

1hotwahine I'm gonna assume that is the correct title with the "bleep" and go look for it in the self-help section of the book store. YAY! A legit reason to go to the book store.
CuriousAries67 I hope this time will be different. I've been aware of this for a long time now, and not doing anything about it has been part of the loop. How can procrastination be something wrong to DO?
AnOddGirl I think I have grown up less than anyone I know. I mean that in both the good and the bad ways. Responsibility and restraint are two things that I do need to develop to help break the loop. Wanna go throw rocks or something with me sometime?
fantasia shares *sigh* I have often wondered what I would be like if I had the love of a woman like you describe in my life. The relationship loops that I find or create for myself have kept me from experiencing that. I would settle for good enough...but I'd be happier if she had a nice bottom, too.
catseyes23 Thank you and I hope you enjoyed your recent vacation. It's good to get away. I think I do need a longer break to work on this. I got out of a two year relationship where my life was not my own, and now I need to regain some strength.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde

spinmedown 50M
3626 posts
3/16/2006 3:51 pm

Damn! I should have known they'd screw something up! Let's try again Eeyore. This time with a space between comments.

sj365 It is art. It is poetry. It is religion. I know lots and lots about all three, but the implementation, the integration is elusive as hell. Sure. I can examine my life and express it in those terms, but how do I live it like that? And all RB taught me was that it's a fool's notion to think you can save the world weaving biodegradable wicker bongs. I spent my entire time with him either moping the floor or making sure he didn't set his moustache on fire. That's not entirely true. I have learned alot from him about looking at things from just a bit "off-center" to better understand them. I think he did see the world thru a child's eyes; and in the end, integrating the world he saw with the "real world" disappointed him more than he could bear. I do see what you and AnOddGirl are trying to say.

themisskrissy Yeah. I was pretty pissed when the bong I tried to make in pottery class "acidentally" broke in the kiln. The teacher probably kept it like she kept everything else I made. That is some painfully good advice that you have given me. I guess we turned out alright somehow.

SolarPowered0 LOL Too true. I had hoped that if I kept going over it again and again that it would somehow change into something better. That isn't what loops do. Is it? And Krissy and I wasted most of our brains in highschool.

valleyrat4 May I walk thru the past with an eye towards the future?

ediesedgewick I do believe that the doors will open for you when you are ready to step thru them and not a moment sooner. I have broken my nose more times than I care to count.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde

spinmedown 50M
3626 posts
3/16/2006 4:14 pm

keithcancook We are the sum total of our experiences together with our understanding of those experiences. Saintlianna said something about Groundhog Day I think, and didn't she play a hooker with a heart of gold in one of your plays?

clevergirl4U I understand that as well, and I would have to agree with you. Sometimes I think the steps forward can just be scouting or stretching steps, and then we snap back into our comfort zone again before we venture out once more. All we can do is try to keep moving forwards. I think I can use that outlook. Thank you.

Maggie! Can I snuggle up with you for a while, please? You add alot to my life.

my brkn heart I told you that we were on this path together. I just wish we would bump into each other more often.

craptoast Welcome Here! Yeah. True that. I always make the mistake of assuming that I know everything or understand all of the variables when I run the program. Somebody always gets their toes stepped on. Maybe I need to just go with the flow more often- the right flow that is.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde

spinmedown 50M
3626 posts
3/16/2006 5:43 pm

_Safira I only like the original flavor Pringles. How can you improve on perfection?

tillerbabe I need someone to be tough on me right now, and I know that you care about me because you are being tough on me. Thank you so much. I have an idea of how I should rewrite line 20 now. Awareness and vigilence are the keywords.

A. A. Wells God bless you and your comic relief, sir! Waffles, they ain't just for breakfast anymore. If you can travel through time, can you have breakfast whenever you like? Stupid question: I already do that.

saintlianna Well. I'm not able to examine my emotions emotionally without becoming emotional, so I have to do it metaphorically. And then I get confused and forget what the hell I was upset about. Touche' and bring the maple syrup.

Yours 2 Corrupt I used to do that for fun when I was a kid and could only have waffles for breakfast. One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was this: "Let all the pieces just fall where they may, and then pick up only what you need. Leave the rest behind." I know what you mean about blogging.

awupnu469 Welcome Here! "Take it easy" and hope. Those are two things that can help you deal with anything life throws at you. I've also have to admit to myself that the older I get, the less I really know about anything. I'm really trying to learn how not to take things too seriously. I remember the days when I was young, invincible and all-knowing and feel almost embarassed now. Drop by any time.

LadytoPleaseYou Welcome Here! "I thawt I wuz goe-enng t'die!" I miss her. I miss the original SNL cast. Watching and laughing and forgetting about all of life's troubles. There's a lesson for us. I can't imagine living without a sense of humor. We always have that to fall back on if nothing else works.
Maybe that's p[art of the error trap: laugh at our own mistakes, forgive ourselves and try to do better the next time.

Thank you everyone for the great advice and stopping by. You're the greatest. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde

MisterPriapus 58M
6980 posts
3/18/2006 7:02 am

Despite barely knowing how to turn on my computer, and the closest thing I come to programming is putting the occasional bracketed 'i' or 'b' in my Posts/Comments/replies, that DID compute!

Very scary...

I've spent a large portion of my life trying to debug the system, re-writing my code with each new fuck-up lesson learned to little avail.

I've recently discovered the Answer, the Truth, the Unutterably Incorruptible Base-Line of Code that'd eluded me for all these years: inexpressibly simple in concept, arduously difficult to accept, and exhilarating in practice.

Are you ready?


Here goes:

"Everyone else in the whole world is fucked up, except for you"

And sometimes I wonder about you, Spin...


Thanx for this inspired bit o' brilliance!



Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.

And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!



aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
3/21/2006 6:48 am

Try if then else statments.

If I see myself repeating attituede x
then jump to 21
else suffer the same fate

spinmedown 50M
3626 posts
3/29/2006 4:35 pm

Mr.P. I'm glad to know that the wetware interface is still fully functional. And that is really some great advice. I think I will give it a try.
Nothing's as much fun as trying to be a "Pillar of Strength in a Sea of Shit".
Romp'nCrompn There isn't a line 21. I'd be jumping into the abyss. Okay. I get it. That would be the same fate. LOL
BTW~ I did always like "21 Jump Street".

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde

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