My mouth  

rm_song2262 55F
1303 posts
9/4/2006 12:35 pm

Last Read:
9/11/2006 8:55 pm

My mouth

My mouth has been getting me in trouble. If this is probably not the topic you thought you were going to hear.... you can move on

In my efforts to reach out and make a meaningful connection I seem to be getting myself in more trouble than it is worth because I state my preferences and ask questions...

Let me preface by stating that I led a very repressed childhood and young adulthood. I was taught not to make any sounds, stop crying your father is studying, etc. Any questions were met with indignation or stony silence, and any requests I made were denied.

Believe me, I seriously struggle to become the mature wise woman I desire to be. I'm fully capable of observing myself and being overly analytical. But I see passive/aggressive, paranoid, insecure, victimized, and submissive behavior from me, and that shames me greatly. (whew, this post is taking on a whole other topic)

Meanwhile I find it important for me to voice my thoughts and questions with sensitivity. I take great care not to overstep boundaries and cause defensive feelings. I'm making up for lost time . I'm sure I go overboard. I know I do. But I must be heard. I cannot bear NOT to be heard.

F*** Y** is the most powerful thing I can say to express my complete distress. (obviously that doesn't go over well) Is this the worst thing that someone can say to you? Do you look to see why a person has said this to you? Or do you take such offense as to remove yourself from this person's presence....permanently.
In my experience this has been THE most effective tool in displaying my immaturity and passive/aggressive tendancies. It may take a lot to get me there and I still strive NEVER to berate one about personal issues. But the end result is not what I had hoped for for feeling the need to use such explosive language in the first place.

ANYWAY....I know many of you have been sharing hilarious stories of emails gone wrong from this site and other dating sites. I find myself totally confused with some responses I receive, and am prone to just remain in my cave and enjoy my own scintillating company.

Here are a few examples:

I don't get this. There is nothing distinguishing him from the rest of us horny folks.


I look at his profile. Awesome cock shots with a clean pressed white shirt. Classy in its own way. And he mentions he paints fine art. PERK. But the entire thing is in caps.

My response:
Hi, FIRST, please take off your caps key. It's considered yelling when communicating on the Internet . Thx
You look great too, and thank you for your compliments. I am a good lover, I love sex, can O for hours, but I need a mental and emotional connection before I can play. In fact there are millions of handsome sexy men on this site, but what will perk my interest to make them stand out in my mind is something they are that is unique and fascinating to my mind. Like your interest in fine art. I'd love to hear more, if you should chose to chat more.
Have a wonderful day

Wonder what his response will be? Will my mouth get me in trouble on this one?

Here's a great one:

how are you doing tonight?

and this is from a 19 year old in my little town

He won't get a response.

At another dating site a gentleman contacts me. He has 5 pictures, somewhat pleasant. I'm finding it is impossible to determine if men's personalities are as nice as their looks unless I meet (which I'm painfully shy to do, but will, eventually, if I feel drawn to him). One of those pics has him smiling with a very lovely stylishly dressed blonde. Another has him with 2 adorable little dogs running all around him.
I write back stating isn't it a bit unusual to have pics of oneself with women, if one is there to meet a woman. I say other assorted pleasant things, and comment on his cute doggies too.
His response:
Yes that is my daughter, just so you know. I had my kids young so after they were grown, I got rid of the wife so i could chase women and have fun. Why do you have a problem seeing me or any other man with a picture of them with some one else? Yes they do allow it on this site. So get over it.......... My daughter is a FOX and that's that................

....blech....I couldn't resist writing back saying he didn't have to be rude!

He wrote back saying "yes I did"

Had my mouth overstepped?

Next a message from a nice looking gentleman, it states he is a writer and will have a published book this winter. PERK His profile is interesting and exudes lots of enthusiasm.

"very cute did you just move here? I did a few weeks ago and knew noone when I moved here. Would love to see some of Olympia would you show me around kinda a first date and we can go whereever you want to go up to you nothing like a blind date for the first email hugh????"

I wrote back complimenting him on his energy and enthusiasm and pic. And how cool it is he writes and will be published. I gently teased about his run on sentences and typos. (this is actually a total pet peeve of mine) I stated that I'm really sensitive to smoke, but would be happy to give him some ideas of great places in OLY, if he shared what some of his interests were.

His response:
"Actually not a writer it just turned out that way, nor did I ever say I could spell correctly as with most writers and check me out on this we have someone take dictation or transcript it to them. If I do not have spellcheck I am lost even though I am a college grad finacially secure even before the book publishing so I do not even care if it is a hit. It was theraputic for me the writing that is. I smoke and have no plans on quitting and and physcially fit work out at least 3 to 4 times a week six pack abs and look in person in my thirties. So you see I love who I am and have no plans on changing. Changing for others never works. Thanks for writing back but it seems we are not a match good luck in your search here."

hm, I wrote back to say that I had just wanted to be friendly and thought it was wonderful he thought that way about himself. It wouldn't be my intent to ask him to change.

How about those potentials that you meet that are so similarly passive about making the first step. "I am currently not willing to work at anything where I am not invited first." Or having actual blame placed on you for living too far away, or having the wrong kind of wine open, or working hours that don't suit their schedule that are complete deal breakers for them, no potential for compromise. If nothing else I feel I take responsibility for my own actions and responses. You make me....You should be....statements are not made here. I do my best to communicate honestly, openly without blame or judgement.
Perhaps my fears limit me in situations that cost me a valuable friendship. Or perhaps being open would cause the other to feel deep pain or feel judged. Perhaps the best course of action is to accept them and in a caring manner move on.

Why is it we can't all be on the same page. Relationships that are full of hurt feelings and defensive responses and miscommunication with little to no resolution or true understanding should come to an end, even if both parties are fabulous, dear, kind people, right?

I once took a course on nonviolent communication. (yea woman who explodes with F*** Y**'s) It was called heartalk. It talked about hearing hopes--empathically listening to others, hearing how they are, regardless of the words and actions they use to express their truth. And talking truth--honestly expressing how I am without blame, criticism, or judgement, so others are most likely to hear me. This was a wonderful new perspective for me to incorporate in my own communication style.

Bottom line though, in speaking my mind, graciously and diplomatically...insistently or explosively (if I feel the absolute need to) I'm pushing people away. Perhaps is my mouth doing the weeding through process for me? Should I not see this as rejection or abandonment, but just the process through which one must go to find the pearls? And NO, I wasn't referring to the pearl pics on my profile

God, I have just rambled on and on! I'm tired out now and proofing this over and over is making me wonder what the hell I'm really saying. Many of you who have lasted this long are probably muttering LIGHTEN UP girl.
I HAVE to learn to not sweat the small stuff, not take everything so personally. Live by the tenets of the book I explored in my previous post.
Thanks for getting this far!
If you have thoughts to share, please do.

ARGH still trying to organize this mess and make sense of it....time to just click ADD.

JustaSwingKnack 69M

9/4/2006 7:39 pm

If we were all on the same page the world would be grey, uninteresting and totally predictable.

I cant help but want to ask why is it seemingly never appropriate to express blunt overt anger? Some times thats is the best response. Esp to disrespectful comments from others.

You ramble on yes, but you do it so well.

nightis 54M

9/4/2006 7:58 pm

This search takes time, energy, and perhaps a piece of your heart. What you are looking for will take at least these things if not even more. I wish you only the best.

JustaSwingKnack 69M

9/4/2006 10:27 pm

Im wondering why men find a fascinating woman and almost never want to make them different. And why women always seems to want to make material changes in the men they meet.

Perhaps its because we recognize the importance of aggravation in our lives?

BikerDude1200 61M

9/4/2006 10:39 pm

I have done well thus far as I have not heard f*** y** yet! I have no expectations or preconceived notions. I am who I am. Tall, big, huggable, funny and shy to a point. Work demands I am outgoing and approachable. In my private life, I tend to be the opposite.

I find you open, honest, to the point and fearless when it comes to interrogation! I hope you have found me honest, if nothing else.

Take care of you!

rm_song2262 55F
643 posts
9/7/2006 7:32 am

artist, yes dear

nightis, thank you

artist, I will not make a comment on that. I will presume you are not referring to me.

Biker, you are adorable! And will be rewarded with huge hugs, whenever you deign to honor me with your presence!

SxyGramps/Jamesy, thank you. Yes, it is the same workshop. Valuable tools. Though I had the strangest dream last night, Rosenburg contacted me to press charges for copyright infringement on using his material here! LOL Nice to see you

Reeducer 68M

9/11/2006 11:07 am

Dear Goddess of Song,

You ramble nicely. And yes, some people just need a verbal slap about the head. Sometimes the best response to someone, who says f*** y**, is to smile and envision their head exploding from their shoulders, seeing them naked, or just say "I pray for your happiness". I believe that all people have some good in them. It just is a little harder to find in some than in others.

I find it interesting that one of my two remaining aunts lives in Yelm, WA. I just got back from there and northa a couple of weeks ago. Hope that you like the area. I wish you peace, love, and happiness.

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