Writers Block..seems to be on hiatus at the moment.  

softnlush 54F
878 posts
5/11/2006 7:13 am
Writers Block..seems to be on hiatus at the moment.


Seems a few of us in blogville are suffering from the same thing, Writers Block, at the same time..sort of akin to putting a group of women of child bearing age together and their cycles go into synch..scary eh?

I spoke to someone this morning on IM and afterwards,I felt motivated..we discussed certain topics and I pretty much set myself up for a few answers that I really did not want..but needed to know.

So I go back and reflect on myself again,and NO I am not asking for compliments or bullshit about how there is nothing wrong with me and how any man would be thrilled just to have me in his life..I appreciate it and I acknowledge it to be true,but that is not what this is about. Well maybe it is in a way,but not entirely. I just want to know why? Why is everything so hard,why can't I be more like other women and just pick myself up,dust myself off and start all over again..next?? Because I have never been able to do that. That is a flaw I have..I wallow in the what is wrong with me? Why can't I have? All negative energy..when it really comes down to it,some may just not find me as wonderful as I think I am..that is life.

I was talking to FWB on IM..yea,he wants me..yea he misses me,but all the chats are the same..hi,how are you,are you feeling ok? and then..after the pleasantries..I get to find out exactly what he wants to do TO me not with me..TO me,when he is back. As I said to my chat partner this morning..it is nice to be lusted after,but I am a person and I want to be treated better than that. I told FWB this of course,and he played spin doctor..but the fact is..based on what I have experienced and what I talked to him about..he really sees me as his sex toy..and that is fine..but it is not what I want.

I chatted with my crush today,and told him all this..just to get a man's perspective and to also let him know in my not so subtle way,what I want from a man that I spend time with. He is not ready,not at all and I think he will never be ready where I am concerned (he did not say that straight out,I am just assuming here),timing is everything and the timing is wrong for him,too soon after what is going on with him, he still has a broken heart and I think it will be a hinderance to any woman at this point.

But,because I do not give up until the fat lady sings, I,not so subtly let him know what I think of him and left the ball in his court..and that was probably a mistake,but anyone who knows me knows this..I speak my heart..always have,always will..I am extremely attracted to him and no matter what I believe I was meant to know him..if it is just as my friend..I have to deal with it,not like I have not lusted for a friend before and it went on as unrequited..personally I think it goes with what he is going through and the ugly truth that I am probably simply not his type (trust me ladies this man can have ANY and I mean ANY woman he wants,I am certain of this,even if he isn't)..but a girl can hope,but I no longer will count on it..I hope it changes..but I am not gonna pin any hopes on it..I will be his friend,his confidant,his companion if he allows it..but I will no longer put him in any awkward positions..unless invited *wink*.

So where does that leave me in this huge complex world of mating and dating..pretty much alone if I do not change some of my thinking..and what is there to change? My feelings on looks? Pretty much did that with FWB..not a pretty guy but ooozes sexuality like you would not believe..I still will not settle for less than I am attracted to,it really is that simple..and what does attraction mean..for me,it is a feeling when I see him,inside,deep that tingles as he approaches,that makes my heart go into my throat when he talks to me..and that my friends,has nothing to do with looks,many many times in my life I felt that and they were not pretty boys.

I am just not attracted to anyone except these 2 men,not that I am not open to anyone else,but no one has lit that fire in me..yet..there is always hope..I hope there is hope anyway..I think at this point I prefer to be introduced to someone,rather than look on this site for him..he is not here,based on the emails..I am just not impressed and then men of my group,well,that is the whole group dynamics thing. Sure,there one or 2 I would not mind giving a toss too,but I just do not want to be one of a few they tossed with..I want to be special,is that too much to ask? Not the choice of the month,the one left to do,the last chosen..not my style,I deserve more than that.

So I am asking my friends in TASA,if they know any wonderful single men,who are attractive (not gorgeous),taller than me preferably,not too scrawny,SINGLE,firemen are a plus *laughs*,who is not into screwing every single thing that looks their way,has a heart of gold,under the age of 50,without erectile issues,that knows how to treat a woman and like meat on their woman..bring them to a meet and greet with ya..ok? I know tall order..but he has to be out there..isn't he?

Always hopeful..but not expecting too much

Happy Thursday

~~~snl~~~

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