Honestly,I have NO idea how I am feeling right now..  

softnlush 54F
878 posts
6/28/2006 7:04 am

Last Read:
7/9/2006 6:58 am

Honestly,I have NO idea how I am feeling right now..


His words in my head.."yes,I am going back there"..and my feelings,my chest feels like it will explode,my eyes are tearing up..they are tearing up just writing this..he has left before,why is it different now? Because too much is happening there and he is NOT SAFE!!

He has not even left yet,and I feel this sense of impending doom..he tried to give me odds about his safety..that my car accident was more close to being fatal than what he has to do..and I looked at him increduously..are you kidding me??? I told him I read the papers..I watch CNN,that is utter bullshit..and he stopped giving me odds..he knew even if he was right..there was no changing how I feel about this.

He said..for 22 yrs I been doing this and I am still breathing..and I said,yes..but what if? what if?? He said,well..I am aware of my surroundings..I will do everything in my power not to be a statistic..but if it happens,that is how it is supposed to happen,stop getting upset..and I could not stop..fighting back my tears,at one point holding onto him as if he was the last thing I had to hold onto..and then turning away from him so he can lay with me in a spoon..and it was nice..real nice.

Reciting words from country tunes..even tho he knows I hate country music..so I go on my billy don't be a hero recital..he was laying there saying omg no woman nooo..and I said,yes,the song from the 70s which I never really liked has been in my head for a week now..wonder why? He is not a soldier,he is no longer active military,but he works for our military,I recently read a news article on men in his type of work,their job in some cases more dangerous than the soldiers battling it out there..how is that supposed to comfort me? He is good at it,therefore,nothing will happen?? that is a load of crap..anything can happen when you are battling people that feel they have NOTHING to lose and everything to gain by dying. They will be looked upon as Martyrs for killing our men/women and given what 72 virgins or some odd fucking number?? For killing themselves and anyone around them? I am sorry,that does give me comfort to know he is good at what he does..he is a man..only a man,and he is at risk there!!

I know he is also an adreneline junkie..he is not afraid for himself..he is afraid for his children,his parents,me even..what he may leave behind if he does not come back. God I hope he comes back..I will never know..not right away anyway..I can sit here and think about it and get all upset and nothing will change it. Nothing.

Can you imagine how I would be feeling if I were something more to him than a FWB,if we were married or committed more deeply than what we are..I probably have NO real right to feel anything based on what we are,but I do!! I feel soemthing..I feel I can lose a very good friend,a wonderful person who touched my life in a very unexpected way..that hurts to think about it..but it is what it is..remember,even when there is no strings..if you are sharing your body with someone for a decent length of time,unless you are a heartless bitch,you will feel something..I have known and been lovers with this man for over a year..I have invested a year of my life being his friend and caring about him as a person,as my lover but most importantly as my friend..and he is truly MY FRIEND..and I don't want to lose him.

So,I decided..while this is going on..I have updated my pathetic excuse for a profile once again,the fact is..I put it back up to meet a man who could be a distraction for when he is gone,thinking he is still in the states,just out of my state for long periods..while he is away,I cannot actively persue other interests..if I meet someone along the way,fine..I may consider it..but any and all men who meet me will know,there is someone out there,who has taken a tiny piece of my heart..and as long as he is walking and breathing and in my life,alive and well,he is going NO WHERE..he will ALWAYS be in my life whether as just a friend or as always a lover..that is the way it is..and it is not changing unless there is a greater plan for him and he is removed from my earthly realm..I pray it does not happen..I have to prepare myself for it actually happening..and I have to figure it all out..right now..I am just too sad to say anything more..I hope your Wednesdays are wonderful..mine started out great..and I will try to remember the time we spent together before the conversation took the turn for the reality of it all..until later..

~~~snl~~~

rm_bucfannn 62M/61F
2110 posts
6/28/2006 8:19 am

I hate that fucking place. And this time before the actual deployment is the worst, in my opinion. The briefings, the all nighters... no time. None. When the LtC went, we thought we'd have at least a week or more... I saw him ONCE. He had to cancel out on me 4 other times because of where he needed to be. One time, and I can laugh about it now, he called from the bathroom LOL. He called me five times, and I was laughing because they were probably thinking this macho pilot developed a weak bladder. He told me he was in a briefing with four generals and the fifth was due to arrive at any moment. He was hoping to get out of there by at least 8pm, but, by the time the last call came, (that I answered), it was going on 11p, and he was still in the briefing. So, I went to bed. He called once more and left a VM. It was already 0030, and he was headed home... and he had to be back on base by 0500. And that's how the week went Briefings after briefings. It sucked.

I know how you feel. The only thing you can do is take each moment as it comes........

(and I hope the part about the bathroom made you laugh )


1Sir_Lancelot 61M

6/28/2006 12:13 pm

I have a friend who's like a sister to me. Her son was in the special forces and used to go places and she wouldn't hear from him for weeks, sometimes months at a time. And when she did hear from him he couldn't tell her where or what he did. We used to spend a lot of time talking to the wee hours in the morning about her fears and her love for her son. I hope and pray for your lovers safe return, I also hope it's soon.


LilJohn670 44M

6/28/2006 11:00 pm

Best wishes for a safe happy reunion. One thing that should be obvious to him is, your (hearts) door is unlocked.


rm_JohnMacLaine 51M
585 posts
7/3/2006 10:33 pm

~snl~

Sorry I have been away, and I am sorry you are struggling with this. Please call me if you need a male perspective on things or if you just want to shoot the shit. I miss our talks, believe it or not, and I just hope you have not lost my number or thrown it away.....lol

*hugs*

Scott

"I can retain neither respect or affection for a government which has been moving from wrong to wrong in order to defend its own immorality" Mahatma Ghandi


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