2 sides of me  

smoothnjuicy4u 51F
426 posts
4/29/2006 11:50 am

Last Read:
5/29/2006 7:31 am

2 sides of me

I am at war within myself, the daily battles are starting to take their toll on me, but today I end this war , THIS IS the last battle I'm gonna fight. One side or the other is gonna win today !!!!!!!!!!!!

A little history behind the war.

I am a mother of two wonderful boys.

Married 16 years, sometimes happy sometimes not.

A willing stay at home Mom for 11 years.

Past two years trying to build own life since both boys are (were) in school. Me Time !!

Lived 10 years in pain till they found the inside out ruptures in the discs in my back.

Had surgery 3 yrs ago and have much better quality of life.

Sexually frustrated. Not connecting to hubby.

Just found out all the men in my life fall on the autism spectrum somewhere.

Husband and oldest are in denial that anything is going on with them.

Homeschooling my oldest because his problems led to him flunking out of his magnet and no way I'm sending him to our neighborhood school.

Oldest just got off probation for defending himself against a bully, though I am sure he did something to contribute to the problem but he really has no clue as to what.

Wondering how far my husband's inability to feel, connect really goes.

(I hesitate to label the 2 sides of me, I think good and evil, selfish or selfless. Which one!! neither side 1 and side 2 and then the winning side)

Side 1: How could he not know that he was missing something inside of himself?? Why when I would sit and cry and he would have no response to it didn't he just say I dint know why I'm not responding instead of just staring into oblivion like he didn't care?

side 2: Isn't that the nature of his disorder??
Maybe he was to scared to tell you the truth scared of the truth himself??

WINNER: It's just the nature of the disorder.

side 1: Ok then what if he never accepts his disorder and tries to learn new skills?? can you live with that??

side 2: I think I have seen small gestures in which he is trying to reach out in his own ways.

side 1: Is the small gestures enough for you??........( biggest battle)

WINNER: They have been enough to keep me here for 16 years. and now I know it wasn't me after all, I can see love in them.

side 1: How will having an autistic father affect them,?? dint they need a role model on how to show love to a woman and others??

side 2: Any father is better than none I suppose. I have been setting a role model on how to show love they can learn from me. Are they able to even learn these things??

side1 : Who knows what they can learn we don't know enough yet??

WINNER: If I leave I will not be teaching them unconditional love, since they share in his disorder I fear if I walk away from their Daddy they will always fear I will walk away from them and how could anyone ever love them. I'm staying for better or for worse.

Man I sound kinda crazy when I went and reread this, talking to myself but I always say everything you need is within you and sometimes you just gotta go and find it.

But by no means is this the end of the story. Still alto of questions to be answered, still alot of emotions to work thru. But since I have the big question answered I can at least move forward.

1osiris3 51M

4/29/2006 1:05 pm

No side has to win. 2 sides, one life. Get rid of one, then the other disappears. Try to step back and ask "Is this the way I want my life to go?"

You will be fine w/out one side or the other winning. What one side lacks you can correct. Do what you need to get you through withput invalidating all you've been for sixteen years. And don't feel guilty about it (don't play the hero/martyr or the jezebel). Be you, embrace what you need to do without judgment, and have a good time. If no one else gets it then too bad, you're the only one that has to be comfortable in your own skin.

Enough of that. Say something hot...

rm_hotdarter 48F
1520 posts
4/29/2006 1:12 pm

Good luck in your search. My cousins oldest was diagnosed with a mild form of autism at age 15. Once the diagnosis was made things improved on all fronts. If you are able, look up homeschooling information in Wake County, North Carolina. The county has a HUGE homeschooling base as well as the public schools having a larger than average autistic population. The school I work at has 19 autistic children and that is only in one of the 139 schools here.

absolutelynormal 57F
6563 posts
4/29/2006 2:29 pm

It sounds to me like you're describing Asperger's Syndrome to me. It's one of the milder forms of autism but can be frustrating for the people involved in these people's lives. I doubt that your hubby could relate at all to your crying/sadness, it just didn't occur to him because of the way his own brain works. Don't panic until you have all the facts, I tend to do this too. Best of luck. Don't be too hard on yourself, Mac

spacecadet561 61M

4/29/2006 2:43 pm

There are those around here who would argue that a really bad father is worse than none at all. It sounds like your husband isn't that bad. He may ignore you, but it doesn't sound like he beats you, or the kids. Does he have any other medical problems that could be reducing his interest in you? Is there someone else in his life?

If you're home schooling the oldest, how did he get put on probation for an incident with a bully? Or does the bully incident pre-date a recent change to home schooling?


smoothnjuicy4u 51F

4/29/2006 7:25 pm

Hey guys thanks for comments and for reading my post. Yes the bully incident is what got him on probation and it occurred right before he flunked out. And yes we are thinking asperger's which is the mildest, hope fully we catch it in the kids before they learn bad coping techniques. thanks again.


4/30/2006 9:04 am

You have certainly got too full of a plate. I am glad you are sharing this and I know that Blogland is great place for release. I hope you are contacting a Regional center in your area that deals with autism if that is the case. Not just to deal with the services available to help them but to help you have someone to talk with that is going through the similar struggles you are. Blessings to you and many hugs. {=}

just a squirrel trying to get a nut

smoothnjuicy4u 51F

4/30/2006 10:25 am

Thanks MOfun, that is exactly my plan as soon as I get the final diagnosis.

Catdoc2000 58M

5/28/2006 5:47 pm

You humble me. You're dealing with far bigger problems than I, (and probably doing a better job!) Home schooling will probably end up being a blessing to your family.

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