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Diving 4 Truth
 
Questions, rantings and ravings from a curious mind
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
Sex without Love
Posted:Feb 28, 2009 1:00 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2009 8:59 pm
809 Views

For Kolohegurl
I read your blog below but could not post so I posted here.

Doc

Before I go .. i want to know - what is sex without love to you?
I got a poem from a friend, TJ ... he wrote:

What is sex without love at its core
It is not as pleasant or as pure
It is simply lusting
Nothing more

What is sex with love running deep
It's something so precious between you & me
It's truly heart-warming
A memory to cherish and keep

Sex without love is terribly disturbing
And something I'd never seek
Sex without love is not enticing
To a lover of love like me (by SpokenWord)

I read it and I started thinking ...
there was a time when I probably would feel strongly about this
have I become desensitized? have i become just a body
without a spirit, without a soul?
what is it that changes us from needing love to have sex
to having sex without love?

My response,
After reading the poem and your response I was struck by how inadequate a word can be and how context affects the word as it is applied. I don’t believe your desensitized or a body without a soul. The very act of introspection to ask that deep of a question shows that is not true. The desensitized and shallow would not even think to ask such a thing.
You said in one of the returns that you want to learn well I’m not sure as this would qualify as teaching, as much as it is sharing hard won experience from a guy who has recently put my 50th year astern and gotten comfortable in my skin, not complacent but comfortable. So let me share some thoughts with you.
Lets look at love in different contexts, as I sit here typing away I must say I love Kona coffee and cigar. They bring me peace, and enjoyment so is that love?
When I’m on the water on my boat, wind filling the sails, the feeling the sun on my face, the salt spray, the smell of the ocean, I truly long for those things and love them. Having spent most of my adult life on the sea it is part of me. Is that love?
I must confess I love the Boston Red Soxs, the enjoyment of the game of baseball can lift me up with joy or dash my hopes and joys on the rocks of failure as they did for may years (Hang in there Cubbies your time will come).
I love my wife, she has become deeply ingrained in my soul and psyche but I do not love her less when my desire for another woman moves to the forefront of my mind.
So what happens when two consenting adults connect in that most intimate of manner, I believe that some form of love is exchanged. I’m not talking about a paid transaction between a sex therapist and or commercial sex worker and John (or Jane). I’m focusing on what happens to us as humans when we connect with another either superficially or deeply.
Greek uses four versions of the word love:
Agape love that is spoken of in religious terms, the self sacrificing, giving love, with out reservation or expectation of return.
Eros love for that passionate, sensual feeling, longing for another, like what is felt for a lover, but not necessarily sexual in nature.
Philia means affection and friendship, loyalty to you friends, this can be a strong bond forged over time or swiftly in crisis and combat.
Storge is a love that parents feel for their , familial relationships.
Finally there is Thelema love which is desire, to be occupied, in prominence, that deep seated need to feel the erotic touch of another.

So I’m not playing a semantics I’m trying to get across that humans are much more complex than many of us think. Religious taboos that drive societal pressures can twist us into knots and make for convoluted processes.

Much like the natural cycle of water evaporating from a lake as vapor which in turn forms clouds, that drop rain to the earth to form the rivers and lakes, love is a natural cycle. We have all felt that attraction to a stranger that tingle, click, chemical single of mutual attraction. I have been with women and never gone past Thelema, wonderful while it lasted hot and passionate, that brings a smile remembering. Other times I hae been long term, through Eros and further, and a few times all the way to Agape. But remember every rose has thorns and some times your heart or soul or psyche may pay a painful price.
The question you must decide for yourself is how open to the experience do you want to be? Some of us are always open to it and some othrs are fettered by “conventional” society, the very fact you are on this web site show you are at least questioning convention.
It is easy to drive yourself into a Mobius Strip of rationalization and paralyze yourself. Remember sometimes you just need to get laid!
2 Comments
How much sex is enough?
Posted:Jun 10, 2006 4:51 pm
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2024 9:16 pm
652 Views

What is enough sex?

What is enough sex to satisfy you as a person? I started thinking about this because my wife’s desire for sex has dropped off in the last year since she turned 40 and after we got married.
When I was single I generally was sexually active two to three times a week. I was generally dating two or three women, and was in different points of relationships with them. Also I did have a “Friends With Benefits” situation with a couple of women.
When I met my wife, she seemed to have as large a sex drive as I did. When we were cohabitating, same work schedule same stress levels she was receptive or initiated sex 4-5 times a week often 2 or more times a day. In last years since we were married, things have shall we say cooled off to maybe once a week
Now before anyone gets on their high , this is not an indictment or criticism of her. This is background and an attempt to figure out if I’m normal, abnormal, out in left field and to get some feed back.
I have been chatting with my wife, friends, male and female trying to get a handle on this. Anecdotal information from a very NON-scientific polling of friends, and our coworkers makes me wonder just what is true. I know that there are multiple factors that flow into this, work habits, life events, stress levels, , etc.; however, when you look at normal everyday live things seemed to break down with most of the guys would be happy with sex three to four times a week. Wives were less motivated they would “put up with” three times a week but would prefer once a week.
Well that pushed me to see what real research there was out there. So Google, Ask and the www brought answers and more confusion as it ranges in a gamut from “what is okay between the two of you” to “it depends upon your spiritual growth”.
Well those answers were pretty vague, but what amazed me the number of sites, blogs, books and Q&A pages there were on the subject!
I found an interesting book called Sex in America by Edward Laumann, Robert T Michael, Gina Kolata . The book had an interesting chart that looked at averages for sexual activity for men and women, while single, married and while cohabitating.
What was interesting was the flip between married and cohabitating.

Social Characteristics Not at all A few times per year A few times per month 2 or 3 times a week 4 or more times a week
Gender
Men 14 16 37 26 8
Women 10 18 36 30 7
Marital/Residential Status
Men
Noncohabiting 23 25 26 19 7
Cohabiting 0 8 36 40 16
Married 1 13 43 36 7
Women
Noncohabiting 32 23 24 15 5
Cohabiting 1 8 35 42 14
Married 3 12 47 32 7

I know that this leaves as many questions as it does answers. Because it tells what people are doing, not desire. Me I’d love it every day twice a day! LOL!!! What do you think? I’d be interested in your ideas.

Dan
0 Comments
Thoughs and dreams
Posted:Apr 13, 2006 2:06 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2009 8:32 pm
799 Views

I was reading an interesting blog today posted by LoveinMotion. She had an interesting perspectives and writing, with lots of poetic imagery. A lusty lady without being vulgar, her posting was sexy and erotic. As I wrote to her, I have read erotica for women and by women, it is different from how most men enjoy it. Perhaps it is because men are visual creatures. The visualization of the pussycat, is too true. I have seen woman on the prowl, their tails twitching the look in their eyes, the walk and hunger. Always the hunger sometimes raw and animalistic, sometimes watchful...but always there. Do you hunger? I have fantasized about making love in a dressing room of a Victoria’s Secret or other type lingerie store. The clothing just brings the erotic to the surface.
I find myself turned on by the curve of a breast, the line of woman’s neck from behind when her hair is up the sway of her hips as she walks, the bounce of her breasts.
I have found that every woman can be sexy in her own way, some overtly, they seem ooze sensuality, and draw men like moths to a flame. Some women are quiet and shy, but as the say goes still waters run deep.
I have known many women in my life some were wonderful lovers others not so wonderful, some were giving and some were selfish there are those that until this writing I had forgotten and others...those still walk the halls of my mind dancing in my imagination and memories.
Fantasies that have come alive, some remain unfilled, some will remain in my imagination because sometimes the reality falls short of the dream.
1 comment
Emotional Infidelity
Posted:Aug 3, 2005 4:57 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2009 8:58 pm
869 Views

Watching the news with my coffee this morning I saw a segment on the Today Show, the talking heads on the Today Show were speaking earnestly in psychobabble about the relationship danger de’ joure. The pop diagnosis..(cue ominous music) Emotional Infidelity. The talking heads (Katie and Matt this AM) were going on and on with this PhD about how sneaky and insidious this was and how terrible that it happens.
All because of the Brad and Jen split. According to the latest celebrity pop psych guru selling her book, if you are working closely with a member of the opposite sex (MOS) or developing close friendship that could result in an emotional attachment, you are treading on dangerous ground that could lead to (cue the ominous music again) Emotional Infidelity!
So now allow me to put my spin on this idea. First we are a society that on the surface has bought into and is dominated by the idea of monogamy is the ideal for relationships. On the surface we are all supposed to follow the “rules” one woman, one man together exclusive, no deviations no changes.
But that is on the surface... we all know that society is more than a bit hypocritical on this mark. From the business man picking up a woman in a strange city on an overnight trip to the Sailor (speaking form personal experience)with a woman in every port, to board housewives picking up a guy at gym or a club. The bottom line is many people, male and female like to play with other.
The 5+ Billion dollar a year adult industry is a testament to that. Let’s face it; the adult entertainment industry is more than dirty moves and web sites for a bunch of post pubescent pimply faced geeks jacking off in the dark to pictures of naked women. From web sex sites to adult dating, it is a wonderland of adult fun. So many of us that are brave, adventurous, board or all of the above, drop down the rabbit hole just to see how far it goes.
So now my dear readers what do you think? Do we follow the rules laid out for us by others or make our own?

Until next time,
Dan
2 Comments
Would Have, should have, could have
Posted:Aug 3, 2005 2:20 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2009 2:00 pm
858 Views

How many times in life have you made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time that later... well you know the saying hindsight is 20/20. LOL
I was chatting on IM with a friend Jo, she was very pissed at me for getting involved with my wife so soon after my divorce. She said no matter how much I thought I was in love it was to soon and that I regret the decision. She did have a point in some areas but in others I disagree.
Here I am blogging on an adult site pouring out my confusion and deep dark secrets to perfect strangers. What was I thinking?!
Dirks Bentley did a great county song “What was I thinking” a few years ago, and I bet there are many men that can relate to doing something totally insane our out of character for a woman.
So why am I here? That was a question posed to me by another woman who blogs on this site.
I’ve thought about it and I guess it comes down to I love women, in all their varieties, shapes and forms. I like the laugh, the smile the smell, flirting hugging, kissing, talking and above all making love, that intimate act that warms the heart and loins.
Can you have a love of your life and not be monogamous? I guess that is the question. I believe that you can have many relationships in our life. Each person you meet and develop a relationship with each of those relationships can progress to different levels at different times in your life. I have a girlfriend that I was intimate with for several months, the sex was great but we moved away from sex but have kept a strong friendship and love.
She is one of those friends that I know that if I were in trouble, stuck or in a jam she’d move heaven and earth to help me out, as I would with her.
So once again we are back to the central question, can you be in love/relationship/married to someone and still have desires for another member of the opposite sex?
I believe that we can and that is why I’m here. I would love to be in a swinging relationship with my spouse and share each other and be free to enjoy ourselves with each other and others. So how do I get us there? Or did I screw up and should I have found a woman on this site that is open to that idea first?! Ah all this is enough to drive a person crazy, but like Jimmy Buffet said “if we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.”

Until my next ramblings enjoy a glass of scotch and a Montecristo on me!

Dan
0 Comments
An Interesting Night at Dinner
Posted:Aug 1, 2005 7:24 pm
Last Updated:Jun 10, 2006 5:23 pm
897 Views

I was talking to friends Al and Laura yesterday and it reminded me of a dinner that we went to last month. Last month my wife and I were in Chicago staying with friends Al & Laura. While we were there, we went to dinner with several of my wife’s friends. There was one other couple and 3 single female friends as well. My wife is an ER Nurse and so are her two of girlfriends, the other two work critical care in ICU. Get a bunch of nurses together and after a few glasses of wine they most likely end up talking shop, sex or both. We shared great food, interesting and lively conversation on many subjects and several bottles of wine.
During dinner I was sitting across from one of my wife’s friend’s call her “Linda”. During dinner while we are talking Linda keeps running her foot over the top of mine and stroking my leg. It was very distracting; when I finally made eye contact with Linda she just gave me a big smile and raised eyebrow.
After dinner we adjourned to Al & Laura’s house for more drinks and cigars. As we were driving there my mind was racing. What was on Linda’s mind. Before we had moved to Hawaii she and I had flirted but I never thought she was serious.
So what is it that makes a woman flirt with her friend’s husband? I understand that people are attracted and flirt, sometimes it’s like a internal drive or compulsion. That itch that you just must scratch! But I have always been discreet in what I did. I’ve never been obvious in front of her. We have talked about a three some and other alternatives but so far she has not been up to it. But now my mind is spinning with what is Linda thinking? Is this real? Is it a setup? Is she going to burn me? Or does she want to play?
We go back to Al & Laura’s we sat on the porch and enjoyed drinks and more company. I got up to go to the bathroom and as I came out Linda was waiting for me she leaned in and gave me a fast wet kiss and stroked my cock through my jeans. Then pulled away and went into the bathroom... well I guess she was for real!
The evening wore on and Linda had to leave because she was working the next day. Kim and I walked her to the front door and she gave both my wife and I a big long hug. While I was expecting a quick peck on the check goodbye, she gave me a fast wet kiss while Kim’s head was turned. She looked at Kim and said we could make your fantasy come true some time, Kim laughed and said Dan’s fantasy not mine but yeah some times we could...
So now I’m hoping Linda makes a rip to Hawaii some times soon!
0 Comments
So why are we here on AdultFriendFinder?
Posted:Jul 26, 2005 9:37 am
Last Updated:Jun 10, 2006 5:27 pm
925 Views

This is an interesting idea, blogging on an adult site. So I’ll fortify myself with a glass of scotch, a cigar and delve into myself and others.

As this is my first posting some basic thoughts. Personally I think I’m on a quest, trying to understand myself and others; especially the female prospective on this site, men that are found here and here and men in general.
What drives us (men and women) who are in relationships to seek out an additional partner? This is nothing new for me and I suspect many others, I have been involved with women in the past but then I meet someone in a professional or social situation and WOW! The radar goes off, bells, whistles, like a fighter pilot getting tone and lock for his missiles, your focus is right there on that one woman.
I know it happens to woman because I have compared notes with female friends and they have experienced the same thing. Suddenly your current relationship takes the back seat and you want to get to KNOW this person. My experience is that when I have met a woman and we connected like that the sex was phenomenal.
So is this what we seek? That rush, that sexy desire to experience something new, the heat and sensuous feel of new lips pressing on our own, the warmth of new breasts to fondle and nipples to lick, the dampness of a woman’s sex under our fingers?
Then what is it that makes some of us content to stay at home and others to hunt? Is it a primal force that drives us or is it more than that? Is it not enough sex at home or is it the variety that we crave? What dives us in this search for new partners?
I like many men would like two women in my bed. I would like to see a woman seduce my spouse and share her with me. I would like to realize whatever sexual desires and fantasies she has. We have talked but she claims she has none, but could that be true?
What am I looking for truthfully I have no idea. I just will know it when I find it, are you interested in exploring with me?
2 Comments

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Post Poster Post Date
Sex without Love (9)emberisaglow
Mar 9, 2009 11:03 am
An Interesting Night at Dinner (1)Barbiedoll2003
Aug 5, 2005 10:25 pm
So why are we here on AFF? (9)Barbiedoll2003
Aug 2, 2005 3:10 pm