Nippon Rabbit Man  

sirlicksalotofu 50M
2 posts
7/24/2006 6:04 am

Last Read:
7/31/2006 10:37 am

Nippon Rabbit Man

Many of my friends call me Bunnyboy. Some of you may be wondering who I am and how I got that nickname. Well, the story behind that name probably started about 35 years ago. But I can't really remember back that far, so I’ll just start from where I do remember, though sometimes I have these dreams about being left at a Phillips 66 station on Highway 27 by some long haired people driving off in a Volkswagen bus with wild colors that technically couldn’t possibly exist in this world. This leaves me to believe that I may have actually originated from another star system!

But what I do know for sure is that I had my beginnings in Highlands County, Florida and was raised by a family of bunny rabbits who had taken me in upon discovering me late one night, apparently abandoned at the 66 station. Thanks to some new endangered species laws funded by the Rainbow Coalition, they had their own reservation. Eventually, I grew too large to live in their little rabbit holes and had to go topside, which I didn’t mind so much, because I soon learned the ways of the land, hopping through meadows, eating my own feces and begging for peanuts and toasted crumbs in the Highlands County State Park.

Then one day, as I was attempting to mount a doe, some Japanese tourists suddenly appeared out of nowhere and began snapping pictures of me. As it turns out, they weren't really tourists after all, but were actually scouting the park for a hostile takeover (much like they did later on in Yosemite).

Realizing the profit potential, they quickly moved to obtain full ownership of the State Park, and put me on display as the "Naked Buck," subsequently making millions of yen from the real tourists who came to visit the park, all the way from Japan, just to see me.

Pretty soon, Japanese Zoologists began to study me more in depth and, after measuring my general size and seeing my (cough) obvious endowment, came to the conclusion that I wasn't just a "buck", but I was the Alpha Buck. This created quite a stir amongst the other Japanese scientists, because hairless bucks seldom survived in the wild, not even on a reservation, let alone became dominant males in the typical rabbit society.

The excitement lasted for several years until, one day, a local orange grove farmer managed to obtain a passport so that he could visit the State Park. When he saw me, he yelped "Leaping Larry Flint, that guy's BUCK NAKED!"
The Japanese tour guide, who was used to a different word order in his own language, thought the farmer simply meant that I was a "naked buck", and happily agreed with the farmer saying, “Yes, yes! Very rale! No ful whatsoevel”* After about 20 minutes of trying to make himself understood, the farmer gave up hope and left to report my existence to the local Game Commission.

Naturally, the Highlands County Game Commission sent in a dozen rednecks riding with shotguns in an El Dorado to rescue me. This is the same Game Commission who threw a guy in jail, sometime around 1994, for shooting a very large alligator, which had been determined to make his children a nutritious part of its complete breakfast. After having waited almost an entire day for someone to show up to get rid it, which grew increasingly more hostile with each passing moment in spite of the man's efforts to negotiate a peaceful truce with the giant reptile, the guy decided to take matters into his own hands and pumped its head full of lead.
Fortunately for me, this group of gun enthusiasts, though prepared to blow me to smithereens, hadn’t broken into their first case of Budweiser yet and still had the presence of mind to recognize that shooting a giant naked rabbit locked up inside a cage "just weren’t no fun at all." So they all left to do some good ole bass fishin’ in the Japanese koi pond nearby. Unfortunately, they used dynamite and their fishing expedition was suddenly cut short when they blew up the boardwalk they had been standing on and they all died. The bass were all too small to eat, anyway.

Eventually, the park owners had to submit to a biannual inspection from the House Rabbit Society ("We Care About Your Hare!") and it was then that I was finally set free, though not without a price. Apparently, the Japanese had also managed, in cooperation with Ford, Chrysler and General Motors, to purchase the property upon which the House Rabbit Society stood several years previously, so when they brought me back there for safety, they discovered an eviction notice posted on their front door.
I tried to persuade them all to come and live carefree with me and all my bunny pals in the forest, but apparently they misinterpreted my clawing and thumping and determined that, either I wanted to go to the bathroom REAL BAD, or I wanted to be abandoned at the local animal shelter. Actually, I did want to go real bad, but that’s not important now.

The animal shelter placed me in one of those 3x3x4 foot cages, where I lived out most of my teenage years. Finally, one day, a nice couple finally adopted me and, being from a distant foreign country, that is Miami, was able to recognize that I wasn’t really a bunny rabbit, but was in fact human as evidenced by my lack of long ears. And so they raised me as one of their own for several years, and I finally learned to talk from watching Sesame Street, Captain Kangaroo, Bugs Bunny and, of course, that wonderful, educational bunny institution, the Playboy Channel.

After a lot of home-schooling, my new parents were finally able to send me off to the University of Miami to learn the drug trade. But I never felt quite at home there and dropped out eventually to build a nest and start a family of my own. I now live in the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee with my pink-eyed pal, Wascal and a dog named Daisy, who chases us endlessly around the house till we can find a safe place to hide from her. Please send help....

*Actually, the Japanese R sounds more like a D, not an L. They do frequently replace the L with R, though, especially in word endings. But with only 6 lessons in Japanese under my belt I had to fake it somehow.

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