Warning to the Wise!  

sfvppl818 51M/51F
486 posts
5/24/2006 5:23 am

Last Read:
5/24/2006 7:05 am

Warning to the Wise!

It started with "Who's Online Now." A friend said some of it was interesting to learn that people stay on AdultFriendFinder all day. Then I moved on to chat out of curiosity where I found more bloating than a Jenny Craig convention. Maybe that dude I was winking at who barely acknowledged my existence was just shy but secretly fell for me and he will try to find me. Weeks pass, dozens of men have failed to miss connecting with me, so I post:

"You: Stunningly attractive dude in your late 20's eating dinner at XXXXXXX with a woman who could kick my ass. You were wearing [insert a creepy number of details here], and also a wedding ring, I think.

Me: Chubby chick eight tables away eating with my parents.

Can't wait to hear from you."

I check my email constantly, but I don't hear from him. His old computer must be broken. I start to peruse the womem for men results page in search of my soulmate, only to realize that I am not in fact chubby when compared to the manatees who just can't wait for me to fall in love with their three kids, seven cats, and fourteen maxed out credit cards. The craziest thing about these dudes is that I don't come close to meeting their requirements, which it turns out is probably a good thing, as my newfound addiction to AdultFriendFinder is increasing my level of desperation.

In order to save myself from some truly tragic decision, I move swiftly to the profiles themselves. This, after all, must be where the attractive and intelligent people hang out. I quickly learn a few things:

1) Straight guys can get blowjobs with no strings attached at virtually any time of day all over the city, as long as they can convince themselves that they are straight while a guy is blowing them.
2) Any ad in all caps is a fake. This was truly disappointing, as I do have something of a fetish for "TATTOOED DUDE" and "JUNGLE LARRY AND HIS BANANA" who cannot spell.
3) Whoever writes fake profiles has without a doubt the sweetest job in the world. There seems to be no quality control whatsoever. To rectify this, I propose adding "Fake Sex Ad Writing" as an Olympic event. Wheaties box, here I come.
4) The institution of marriage is significantly less threatened by monogamous gay couples than it is by "generous" married men.
5) The only women on this section who MIGHT be real must have some shit seriously wrong with them.

Why am I writing all this? Because you don't have to travel down this road. I don't know where this will end for me, but I doubt it will be pretty, and it will likely involve the phrase "pre-op." If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky.

A final plea. I think the only way I can break this cycle is to meet people the old fashioned way, by talking to them. So, if you're a really attractive person and a pretty attractive person of the opposite sex approaches you, but seems shy, let them know it's ok by using some inviting introduction. Here are some suggestions:

"I need a fuckbuddy." "MWF seeks anal worship." or the ever popular "GANGBANG! (100/men)"

Just a thought. Finally, a question for people who post their pictures, especially erotic pictures, on AdultFriendFinder. Clearly, you think your odds of getting laid are highest if you include both your face and your exposed genitals. While for some of you I am certain this is not the case, even for those for whom it is, isn't it kind of a gamble that someone you know will see you? For instance, your wife, or mother, or gay uncle, or kid you babysit, or your parole officer? That's a happy connection I wouldn't want to be around.

rm_poleforlick 52M

5/24/2006 6:40 am

LOL very good.

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