Lez Be Friends  

sfvppl818 51M/51F
486 posts
6/2/2006 3:02 pm

Last Read:
6/2/2006 9:51 pm

Lez Be Friends

Holy Camille Paglia! Remember the good old days when you broke up with someone? You had to actually lurk around where they lived and worked in order to figure out what they were up to. But now, with instant profile, picture and blog comments, an ex can stop by your "alter-universe" any time of the day and see what's going on in your life.

But wait until you hear this little ballbuster of a story, straight out of the mouth of a friend who we shall call Brad. Here's the high level, then I'll let his letter speak to the rest, and he wanted me to share it here with the hopes that lesbians of all kinds will offer some nugget of explanation, not justification.

Brad is a great guy, open and giving, so allows his wife to play around with bisexual women. So she goes out and does a few women; basically she’s an axe grinder, she doesn’t really do any kind of broad internal justification for anything, it’s all selfish and anecdotal fuelled by her particular neurosis. I’m sorry, that woman is a mess, and it’s an outrage that any woman would ever keep something this repressed on such an important subject without flushing it out totally. I just heard the other day, where she didn’t even read the Naomi Wolf The Beauty Myth book or the Susan Faludi Backlash book, both of which I opposed, but would have helped her deal with her side of things.

An Open letter to Lesbians:

I understand that this is an unusual request but can you please tell a straight man where he might be capable of purchasing a secret lesbian decoder ring?

Here is my dilemma. About nine years ago I met the woman of my dreams. After dating for two years we were married and had five years of what I thought was wedded bliss. Then, unknown lesbian wife informed me that we needed to talk. Lesbian wife proceeded to tell me that she thought she was a lesbian. Sorry lesbian wife but it wasn’t so much talking for me as it was listening to fourteen years of repressed sexual frustration. It turns out that she IS in fact a lesbian.

Strike ONE for me!

Cut to the future. After walking around in a haze for the past two years wondering how I could not have known that my wife was a lesbian and after having numerous meaningless sexual encounters to prove that lesbian wife’s sexuality was not the result of my inability to perform. I found a woman in which I have become quite smitten.

After many drinks, and a club scene with a killer DJ who completely tranced out the house, we ended up at a downtown eatery. We were sitting at the counter chatting about how much the show rocked and I became totally freaked out by the stalking dyke waitress staring at my chick. (Sorry dykes, but she was a total dyke! Boy haircut, sleeves of tattoos and overalls, etc.) I might not have noticed given my euphoric state but this dyke waitress just stood there wiping and wiping at one spot on the formica countertop until she drilled a hole to China.

I went to the bathroom and dyke waitress took the opportunity to pounce on then unknown lesbian date. I came back from the bathroom and I saw the uncomfortable exchange of napkin notes at which point dyke waitress and lesbian date became quite uncomfortable with the awkward situation at hand.

Strike TWO for me!

Now, I don’t blame you lesbian date, how were you to know that I had so much experience in picking up awkward exchanges due to being married to lesbian wife? I don’t blame you, dyke waitress, my lesbian date was smoking HOT and I would hit on her too! I am sorry dyke waitress that I didn’t leave you a tip but I felt that if you can score my lesbian date, you might owe me a lot more than that!

So, I return to my original question. Would a caring lesbian be willing to sell me a secret lesbian decoder ring or at the very least, a pair of secret lesbian revealing sunglasses? I am at a loss! I have listened to Amazon Country very closely and I have also played Melissa Etheridge CD’s both forward and backward to no avail. I promise I will not break any lesbian code of honor, your clandestine apparatus or author a book called The Martina Code. I am just looking to sort out future dates because it is becoming quite clear to me that without assistance of some sort of James Bond spy equipment I am unable to distinguish between straight and gay women.

For the straight women who might stumble upon this request and worthy of a coffeehouse meet and greet or just a sympathy toss in the sheets. Yes, I am single and available. Yes, I am cute and charming. At least that is what the lesbian women from my past have confirmed!

Thank you for understanding my request.

TheCliticals 36F/F

6/2/2006 4:02 pm

Its curious that your friend assumed his date was lesbian and not bi. Has he thought of having his tongue lengthened?

rm_abutoo2 45M
1078 posts
6/2/2006 7:43 pm

I think you should tell him to go into business for himself. He can market himself with his ability to find any woman a gay date

Become a member to create a blog