People Who Have a Complete Inability to Leave a Voicemail  

sfvcpl818 52M/52F
417 posts
4/5/2006 6:33 pm
People Who Have a Complete Inability to Leave a Voicemail


I have a genuine question. Please help me understand why today's business callers REFUSE to leave a voicemail for their intended caller. I'm a receptionist/operator for a large company, and I would hazard to guess that 90% of the calls that I take, the caller will call back immediately when they get a person's voicemail.

Invariably the tirade goes, "YOU (rude, accusatory tone accompanies) transferred me to an ANSWERING MACHINE (how dare you, horrid slut!)! I want to talk to a human being, NOW!"

Now the thing is, if a person is out for the day, and I know it to be a fact, I state that at the time of the call, "So-and-so is out today, would you like to leave a voicemail?" (said waaaaaay too nicely for the motherfuckers that call in). If I don't say that little phrase, that means the person is here, SOMEWHERE in the big giant building. If they don't pick up your "emergency" call, let's use our imagination and think of some reasons why they aren't picking up the phone:

1. They are pissing/shitting/puking/jerking off in the bathroom
2. They are on another call (ooo, shock horror, you [caller] aren't the only person in this big wide world!)
3. They are in a meeting
4. They are getting coffee
5. They are bullshitting in someone else's office
6. They are getting files or supplies or a blow job in the copy room
7. They are outside smoking
8. They are concentrating on a project and don't want to be disturbed
9. They are IGNORING YOU. Because as it is clear, you are a horrible person

Whatever reason you want to choose, they didn't pick up your call. That's why voicemail is such a great invention. You leave all your pertinent shit, and someone will magically call you back. That is, if you wait for longer than FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.

No, I'm not going to get up and traverse this giant building to find Mr. Smith, who's in the bathroom masturbating and probably thinking about me. "Excuse me, Mr. Smith, please remove your hand from your dick and get out of the bathroom. Mrs. Jones just absolutely must know when her carpet sample will arrive. Be a dear and take this call. Let me go get a cordless phone so you can take the call right there in the stall. Thanks!"

I don't know where Mr. Johnson is. I don't know why he hasn't called you back, or when he's going to call you back, or why he's never in the office, or why he thinks mauve is a fabulous color. I'm the operator. I don't know what kind of granite slab is the best. Don't yell at me because I'm the only person you can get on the phone. Do you realize I'm not the owner of the business? I'm the absolute lowest person on the totem pole. There is no one under me. I cannot make anyone here do anything, no matter how loud you yell at me or what names you call me.

No, I'm not going to take down a written message - THAT'S WHAT VOICEMAIL IS FOR. So I don't have to do that. The person will get a voicemail lightyears before I will ever see them to give them a message. No I'm not going to "yell down the hall" for them. LEAVE A G-DAMN, MOTHERFUCKING VOICEMAIL.

The thing is, if you treated me with even an ounce of human dignity, I would probably bend over backwards to try and help you in the meager ways I can. But since you are a hag bitch, I will keep transferring you to voicemail. I have a way to connect you to direct voicemail so even if the person is there and able to take your call, the phone won't ring and your call will go straight into the voicemail system.

So be nice to me.

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