Today I choose happiness.  

sexydisaster30 43F
5527 posts
8/13/2006 9:14 am

Last Read:
9/26/2006 9:13 pm

Today I choose happiness.

I was having an IM conversation with a friend last night and I would like to share a part of it with you all and them some of my thoughts on it. Here is the part of the conversation:

Friend: How are you?
Disaster: I am doing good
Disaster: I have been fighting a cold all week
Friend: I read...
Disaster: but it seems to be passing
Friend: I've been sending up prayers since the meet... I thought you might hit a wall and start feeling icky
Disaster: you know it is only physical stuff, usually I would hit an emotional wall as well, but I seen to have a handle on that side of it
Friend: That's good
Disaster: and the physical doesn't really matter....not as much as the mental

The part that sticks out the most for me is where I type:

the physical doesn't really matter....not as much as the mental.

Most of you know that I have started school recently and most of you also know that I suffer from depression on occasion. I realized last night that the school part is helping to control the depression. I know that you probably think that I am crazy, but let me explain.

You see, usually when I am all amped up and have a ton of shit going on I a fine. I thrive on the excitement and the energy, it is my addiction, but when it is gone I crash. I fall into a pit of depression and hide for a few days, sometimes even weeks and once or twice in my life it turned into months. As you know the Atl Army threw a party last weekend with me as the front person for it. I ran around for weeks making sure that everything was going to be perfect (and it was). Everyone that knows me expected me to crash. Everyone around me that is close to me and has known me for any length of time has walked on eggshells all week and keeps asking me if I am ok mentally.

Here is the thing:

I have never felt better mentally in my life.

I feel like I have a purpose. I feel happy. For once in my life I can look back on the chaos and smile and say "look what I did" and not be crying when I do it. For those of you that have never had depression or have had to deal with someone that has I am sure that you are thinking "big fucking deal". Well let me tell you it is a big fucking deal. It is the biggest fucking deal that has happened to me in a long time.

I credit all of this to my latest schooling. I am learning so much about myself and one of the things that I am learning is that it is true that the physical stuff is just that, physical, but the mental stuff, well that is a whole different story. It is the mental stuff that matters and it IS possible to control your mental state of being. It is no surprise that one thing that I had to do for this weeks homework was before I got out of bed in the morning I had to decide how my day was going to go. Yesterday I decided that I was going to have a Joyful day. I decided that everything in my day was going to bring me joy and guess what? Despite the fact that I coughed all day, despite the fact that I was so busy at work that I didn't have time to go to the potty much less eat, despite the fact that physically I was still a bit worn down I felt Joy all day......ALL DAY NOTHING BUT JOY.

What am I going to choose to feel today? Happiness. I choose happiness and I wish happiness today for all of you as well.

-Disaster

Ps if you need a giggle at my expense today to get you started on that happiness, you should check out my NonQuotes that my Non-boyfriend so graciously posted for you all to see.


-Disaster


rm_smosmof2 68M
3240 posts
8/13/2006 9:49 am

It all makes perfectly good sense to me.... You did a great job last week, and the satisfaction should keep you going for a least another week or so (after that you'll need to find another project to take on.....). The fact that the emotional is now under control only helped you deal with everything you needed to while it was at hand. Once it was over, the physical part caving in for a couple of days was pretty natural....

The fact that you didn't get hit with a major case of post-con depression make make you one of the lone exceptions... I'm willing to bet the rest of us wanted to do it again this weekend....


This is history making stuff goin' on you know....welcome to the eye of the hurricane.

And a kiss for you to help you shrug off the last of your physical maladies....


rm_smosmof2 68M
3240 posts
8/13/2006 9:50 am

It all makes perfectly good sense to me.... You did a great job last week, and the satisfaction should keep you going for a least another week or so (after that you'll need to find another project to take on.....). The fact that the emotional is now under control only helped you deal with everything you needed to while it was at hand. Once it was over, the physical part caving in for a couple of days was pretty natural....

The fact that you didn't get hit with a major case of post-con depression make make you one of the lone exceptions... I'm willing to bet the rest of us wanted to do it again this weekend....

This is history making stuff goin' on you know....welcome to the eye of the hurricane.

And a kiss for you to help you shrug off the last of your physical maladies....


rm_smosmof2 68M
3240 posts
8/13/2006 9:51 am

It all makes perfectly good sense to me.... You did a great job last week, and the satisfaction should keep you going for a least another week or so (after that you'll need to find another project to take on.....). The fact that the emotional is now under control only helped you deal with everything you needed to while it was at hand. Once it was over, the physical part caving in for a couple of days was pretty natural....

The fact that you didn't get hit with a major case of post-con depression may make you one of the lone exceptions... I'm willing to bet the rest of us wanted to do it again this weekend....

This is history making stuff goin' on you know....welcome to the eye of the hurricane.

And a kiss for you to help you shrug off the last of your physical maladies....


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/13/2006 9:55 am:
Oh don't get me wrong. It is not that I didn't want to see all of you again this weekend, it is just that it is over and I am not in the bed crashed out and not able to move. This is a huge deal for me. HUGE!

It is in these times that I usually fall on my face emotionally and I have no feeling that it is going to happen this time.

I am grateful for the change.

sexyariesgirl 59F

8/13/2006 9:59 am

I can SO identify with the emotional crash and burn as well as the physical. I'm so happy for you that you are getting a handle on the emotional part....that IS indeed huge.

Power To FOK


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/13/2006 10:01 am:
I am happy to . Thank you for sharing in my happiness!

rm_ohiobigcat 53M
249 posts
8/13/2006 10:02 am

"I am sure that you are thinking "big fucking deal"."

uh uh! That is a big deal, I discovered the same several years ago.

Check out "Key to Yourself" by Venice Bloodworth,.. simple little book,.. changed my life it did!!!!!

Who has time to lay around crashin and burnin anyway?!?! Life is to good and to short not to enjoy!

Your the bomb Sexy D,.. thanks for turning me on to the whole blog scene! {=}


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/13/2006 10:10 am:
Well. OK. Thank you for the book recomendation. I love to read.

I agree that life it to short to not enjoy.

and now that you are turned on to the blog scene, why not start one of your own?

meerkittykat 43F

8/13/2006 10:34 am

Babe..it is ALL about attitude and the choices we make. People with depression can live fully productive lives; you just say to yourself "imma be happy and this is what I'm doing today to do that." Then--you follow through. It is totally possible to control your state of being. Let's call it state of grace, even.

The meet went off great, and now it's time for your next great adventure, and the best way to prepare for that is to do exactly what you're doing now.

Ya did good babe. I'm so proud of you.
loveyameanittons


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:21 pm:
loveyoumeanittonstoo!

rm_smosmof2 68M
3240 posts
8/13/2006 11:12 am

sexydisaster30 replies on 8/13/2006 9:55 am:
"Oh don't get me wrong. It is not that I didn't want to see all of you again this weekend, it is just that it is over and I am not in the bed crashed out and not able to move. This is a huge deal for me. HUGE!
It is in these times that I usually fall on my face emotionally and I have no feeling that it is going to happen this time.
I am grateful for the change."

There are reasons that the term "post-con depression" is so much like "post-coital depression".

You're just too tired and burnt out at the moment to be as desperate to get back to that emotional head space as the rest of us are....

Damn good place to have been.... thanks again....


PurplePeach72 45F  
9199 posts
8/13/2006 11:44 am

I am glad to hear you didn't crash and burn. And you are right for those who don't or haven't experienced real clinical depression, they have no clue what a big deal it is that you are doing so good. Keep the happy thoughts, stick with your plan. I know how hard it is, I deal with it everyday. Some are better than others. I have a good life. That doesn't have a damn thing to do with it. It is something you live with everyday and you look for ways to control it instead of letting it control you.
It was a great party, look forward to seeing you again. And keep up the good fight.
Steve

colcouple4f00

Kisses,
LA


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/13/2006 11:50 am:
Thanks for your kinds words Steve....

and I recongnize that hotel window.......

ArtisticTwist75 42F
2505 posts
8/13/2006 12:06 pm

SexyD- In such a short conversation, you made the entire post clear. How I identify with this issue. The highs can be so high, and the lows can be far deeper than you expected. I'm with you. Every medical issue I've ever had (and there are so damn many) are far out-shined by the long stints of darkness in the mind. To decide you are going to be joyful or to live regardless of circumstance, hun, that's the greatest lesson.

Sounds like your path is straight right now... what a wonderful blessing. Sending you Monster Hugs and Congrats on the revelation. They truly do make life worth it.

Artistic

(and no... I don't mind at all - Mind if I link?)


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/13/2006 12:21 pm:
I am glad that you don't mind. You may link anytime that you would like.

Thank you for helping to make this come clear to me.

Perchance2000 59M

8/13/2006 12:19 pm

I'm not an expert in mental health - other than:

(1) it still is not taken serious enough a matter by many (and hence the rather typical reaction you suggested some might have - and how wrong they would be!); and

(2) there is something about keeping your mind "in shape" (similar to working out to keep your body "in shape" - funny that there ,ore people will agree that this is important, but perhaps because the results of doing or not-doing may be more "obvious" - though I cant' seem to get my body to change, despite regular exercise - but that's a different matter altogether).

On both counts, then, I conclude that going back to school is what indeed is helping you - and now, that you work out both body and mind, you are on to something good. Even though right now you may be crashed physically (down with a heavy cold) - you'll get yourself up . . . and we all so much look forward to just a bit share of your positive energy.

As I said before, sexy yes, disaster only if we redefine that word!


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:23 pm:
as always thanks for stopping by.

I am sure that it is school that is helping me. I just need to take it one day at a time......

HBowt2 60F

8/13/2006 1:01 pm

so Glad You're getting the balance you so deserve....keep working, learning and moving forward....


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:24 pm:
speaking of balance, what the hell are you doing? I thought that you were taking a break to get some of your own balance.....

endowed_4_fun 43M
113 posts
8/13/2006 1:05 pm

I can definitely relate. I used to think the lows were just a necessary part of life -- something we all had to go through now and again. I'm still struggling to get to where you are, but it helps to hear of success -- thank you for sharing your experience(s).

-Robert


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:25 pm:
the lows do feel that way sometime, like they are necessary. I mean how would we know that the highs felt so good if we had never had a low right?

Well, I have had enough lows to last the rest of my life!

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
8/13/2006 1:24 pm

I think I'm going to enjoy watching this upcoming chapter. Very much, in fact.

Two cents' worth -
Instead of thinking in terms of mental or physical (or other facets) think, 'balance.'

Yea, you.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:26 pm:
balance.....

ok I can try that.

NickRules999 40M
9464 posts
8/13/2006 1:47 pm

I can relate.

I also suffer from depression, as well. I try to find ways to keep my mind off of it. Sometimes, it overwhelms me.

I'm glad things are going well for you, and I wish you the best.

Nick

Come into my realm! You aren't afraid...are you?


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:26 pm:
thanks Nick.

Passion247000 47F
3195 posts
8/13/2006 1:56 pm

yup! you are not alone! I understand you completely!!! I can deal with the physical stuff -it'll heal ....it's the mental stuff that matters most... and hurts most....

"mind over body"..."mind over matter" ~ so powerful.... I studied/do energy work and it is all about how your mind guides your energy....

I understand depression...i lived with it for over 8 years and still live with it on occasion....Before i started blogging, i had a spell of depression for 3 months where i would stay in my room and not wanting to see/talk to anyone... Then one day...I decided that i'm not going to live this way anyway....so i started to keep myself busy....signed up for exercise classes, went back to school... now work (part time)....I have also stopped taking anti-depression drugs and i feel just fine.... because i am in charge and i am in control... but due to my sensitive nature...i do have moments of recurrance...but that passes quickly.... i usually just sleep it off....and the next day is another new day!!! ...out i go.... as my laughters echo the entire universe............. {{LOL}}}}}}}}}

...and TODAY...I choose to love....love everyone!!!


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:28 pm:
wow, good for you. I am proud of you.

Choosing love is a good thing. A very good thing indeed. Maybe I will choose that tomorrow.

caressmewell 55F

8/13/2006 2:34 pm

Good for you!

I know you were physically worn out, hell we all were, I also think that you are in a happier place. I know that I am and this helps fight off the depression also.


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:28 pm:
Yes it does!

southrnpeach333 52F

8/13/2006 2:46 pm

choice is a wonderful thing!!!


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:28 pm:
yes it is!

JustaSeeker 107F

8/13/2006 2:58 pm

Thanks, I didn't realize something that happened to me until I read this but now it's all clear; it was a reaction to all the adrenaline and now that I know I can do something about it. Regaining balance is a good thing. Thanks again and I'm happy for your happy state...


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:29 pm:
Your welcome.

I am gald that I could help.

Helper874 46M

8/13/2006 4:56 pm

Ok, I know I have not been around for a while. So first sorry.... Next, it is amazing to read this today, and find out that I am the same way as you. Have had a ton of ups and downs lately. In the grand scheme of things all I had to do was focus on the main issue, and not let the down time haunt me. I completely understand how you feel. Take comfort in the fact that there are a lot of us out there like that.(We just like to hide it...lol) Will be around more often...crossing fingers...ROFL. Take care and will drop a line again soon.....Helper And congrats on the Cigs!


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:31 pm:
I do not take comfort in knowing that other people suffer from this at all. In fact it is just the oppisite. I take comfort in knowing that there is a better way and I think that I may have found it. I challenge you to make a choice everyday to not be depressed. It will help I promise.

Seriously_Real 49M

8/13/2006 5:03 pm

Good.

--Seriously


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:32 pm:
Good? That is all that I get from you? Good?

okwhateverfine.

at least I leave your comments on my blog.

PurplePeach72 45F  
9199 posts
8/13/2006 5:25 pm

What hotel window . I hope the non-boyfriend understands the war you are in. Having real support and understanding from those closet too you goes a long way in helping you win the little battles. Sometimes it is the smallest of things that make it tough. A caring and understanding non-friend/spouse/lover...lol... can make a world of difference.
Hotel, what you think I am one of those cheap hotel male whores....

well ok, I am not cheap, just free for the asking

steve
colcouple4f00

Kisses,
LA


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:34 pm:
it does not matter if he understands what I am going through or not. Yes it does help to have those closest to you understand, but the battle is mine and mine alone......and I intend on fighting it that way.

I do NOT think that you are one of those cheap motel male whores.........i know that you are

champagnechaser 42F
1639 posts
8/13/2006 5:43 pm

That's great girl, I'm glad you found a way to control your happiness or lack there of.


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:34 pm:

NSAAddict 43F

8/13/2006 5:59 pm

That's great news sexy, and wonderful choices for yesterday and today


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:34 pm:
thanks NSA.....

jadedbabe78 107F

8/13/2006 6:23 pm

I can totally relate.

The choices we make yesterday effect us today and continue on to tomorrow. Choosing to be happy and having the mental capacity to be able to guide yourself is a wonderful thing.


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:35 pm:
yes it is Jadey......yes it is.

rm_jd29992z 55M
3888 posts
8/13/2006 7:08 pm

Yes you are so right the physical is easy "My finger hurts because I cut it" "My chest hurts because I caught a virus" but the mental is very hard you just can't put a finger on it. It is buried deep inside. You are doing the right thing keep an open mind look at the good plan for the good because if you plan for the bad guess what the bad will find you! Keep cool girl later JD


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:35 pm:
fuck the bad JD. I have had enough.

SingleNLooking72 107F

8/13/2006 8:27 pm

No smoking and no depression? This is a huge week for you hun! I can totally relate to the depression problems. Sometimes I slow down and let everything get to me too. I've not found a single thing to fix it in the long run, even meds. No matter what the situation, there is no truer quote than from the bible:

The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak....

I know, this is not bible study, but my dad is a preacher and every time I call and complain to him, he comes back with a bible verse or story. You start to trust and believe even if you don't want to after a while. We have to all have something to believe in, even if it's ourselves. Losing that belief in ourselves feeds the depression more than anything...

Good luck not smoking!
Mz LJ


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:36 pm:
ahh the belief in ourselves. Why is that the hardest part sometimes?

maverick1255 52M
3953 posts
8/14/2006 11:05 am

Great post! Great advice! Been there, many times. Still there, but working on it day by day!!


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:38 pm:
we all are.

seek_u_topia 52M

8/14/2006 11:09 am

Good for you SexyD! It makes me happy that you are in a good place.

I remember once posting a comment that you were "sweet" and you responded that you weren't. I think you are very sweet, and yet so much more too. You may not define yourself as such, but you have a lot of sweetness and caring in you, and based on those feelings alone, you should be happy because of the many lives you touch.


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:38 pm:
awwwwww, thanks Seek.

sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:39 pm:
oh and I love my present. It is now a permanent part of my travel case....

MOfunNOWWOW 56F

8/14/2006 11:38 am

Oh sexy OH boy OH JOY!!!!!!!! {=}


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 11:50 am:
Oh Mo....You just made me laugh out loud with that one.....

somethingelse40 76M
14676 posts
8/14/2006 3:39 pm

Life constantly forces me to be funny: they started laughing when I was born; some have been laughing ever since. Are you currently in the know or into undeletable potions?


NSAAddict 43F

8/14/2006 6:40 pm

You're invited to [post 468648]


sexydisaster30 replies on 8/14/2006 8:39 pm:
ok on my way.

PurplePeach72 45F  
9199 posts
8/15/2006 7:04 pm

It is hardest to love and accept ourselves because we are our own worst enemy. We have no trouble finding our own faults and shortcomings, but don't want to admit that hey, I am a good person, I care, I am important, and I make a difference, to myself and to others. Nothing you say can change what I know, because if I am honest with myself, I know I am good and I WILL BE HAPPY.
And since you "know" what I am, well if it will help make you happy, you know to spread some joy, let some other folks know....lol...I can always run up to Atlanta.
And thanks for what you do and mean to me and others

steve
colcouple4f00

Kisses,
LA


Helper874 46M

8/16/2006 11:33 am

I take that challenge. Have already been working on it. After the last two weeks, I definately need to do something. Hope all is going better for you as well, and that you are taking your own advice... Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.


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