Kid Rule  

sexydisaster30 43F
5527 posts
7/4/2006 11:21 pm

Last Read:
11/25/2006 10:09 pm

Kid Rule

Being 31 years old and in the dating world it is nearly impossible to not date men with kids. I have a kid rule.......a 6 month kid rule. I have no intention of meeting anyone's children unless we have been dating at least 6 months. I don't care if we spend every waking minute together (with the exception of work of course) or if we see each other 2-3 times a week, I am still waiting a minimum of 6 months before I even will think about meeting someone's children.

This rule came about after having a relationship with someone and meeting his 2-year-old daughter and falling head over heels in love with her. I stayed in this relationship longer, (way longer) then I should have. This relationship should have been over months before it actually was. When the relationship ended it was so hard to watch that little girl walk out of my life forever. I still think of her often and I miss her, but it is not possible for me to try to see her. As a matter, if fact it is not safe for me to see her at all. This is one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life......not seeing the child.

I have dated several men with kids since the demise of this relationship and I am shocked at how many of them were so ready and willing for me to meet their children. I am not talking about relationships where we had committed to one another (I am not talking about you, you damn narcissist) I am talking about what I thought were casual relationships. These men wanted me to meet their children and I was not even serious about them. Hell, one man never called me again after I told him that I thought that it was a bad idea but that is a whole other story.

Despite my selfish feelings of not wanting to fall in love with someone's children, I have to also think of it from the child's point of view as well. I would not want to walk into another child's life only to walk out when it didn't work out with their father and I. What does this do to a child? Not to mention that most dad's are part time dad's at best and should not be sharing the time with the kids with anyone to soon.

That being said, I also do not want to spend to much of my time with someone and not see this side of them......the daddy side. It is something that I would want to share with them.

I think that after 6 months you have a general "feeling" of if the relationship is going to work out or not. I think that after being with someone for 6 months the "best behavior" acts have fallen and you should have a pretty good understanding of how someone really is.

That being said, I stick with my theory that people should wait at least 6 months before kids get introduced into a relationship.

What do you think?

-Disaster


-Disaster


rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
7/4/2006 11:31 pm

Seems like sound thinking to me. I hadn't really thought of this. Funny since we're near the same age. I haven't been involved with someone with kids, though I've dated a couple of guys who had kids that didn't live with them. It just never went very far.

Thanks for giving me something to think about. Hugs.


funintheday2006 57M
9659 posts
7/4/2006 11:32 pm

Had a gf with 2 beautiful daughters, after split continued to see kids for a long time as 'fav uncle'
She moved on, remarried.
Me? A hole in my heart that will never be filled.
Stay with it babe, its my rule too


OboesHonedIambs 63F

7/4/2006 11:37 pm

I absolutely 100% agree with you and your reason for having that rule & specifically because of the negative impact on kids of having a train of girlfriends or boyfriends traisping in and out their life. It is unsettling, unwholesome and irresponsible to the kids emotional and psychological welfare. It also gives them a bad message about themselves and about relationships in general. In my book, any parent who thinks otherwise is just kidding themselves. [stepping off soapbox]

Instant Human -- Just Add Coffee


ArtisticTwist75 42F
2505 posts
7/4/2006 11:42 pm

I hold to the very same rule. It's too hard to get kids involved. They just don't understand.

Artistic


endowed_4_fun 43M
113 posts
7/4/2006 11:42 pm

You are absolutely right. Too bad some parents can't figure this out for themselves. It should be their responsibility to see that their kids don't have wave after wave of "replacement" mommies (or daddies) flowing in and out of their lives.

ps, I must be the exception at 31 with no kids.


curious082385 32F
4925 posts
7/5/2006 12:12 am

Personally I think that is an excellent rule. It hurts everyone involved if you have people popping in and out of the child's life all the time. Plus, I would think it could make it harder for the guy. I mean, if he were dating Woman #1 who fell in love with his child and who the child liked in return. Then Man and Woman #1 break up. A few months later, Man brings Woman #2 home, but the child ends up angry and un-accepting of the new woman because she had a great relationship with Woman #1.


OcelotScratch 49M
286 posts
7/5/2006 12:25 am

I think that it is an excellent rule. However, I wonder if it's possible for a man to have the same rule. As you pointed out, the father's are usually the part time parent. Would it be possible to date the full-time parent and not meet the kids?

I don't know. I've never been in a situation to find out.


Mermaidslut 51F

7/5/2006 12:28 am

I will never meet the kids before six months, I agree 100% If they are a Daddy, they should focus on being a Daddy. Call their ex, give the kids to the mom, work out the relationships so each parent has time enough to get involved with others.. If they can't do that, they don't need a new relationship cause they are just skipping on their parent duties. If they can't be responsible to their own offspring, they can't be responsile in a new relationship...Same goes for women, too many dads don't get enough time with their kids after a split... nothing comes before such a commitement in my book, or they don't belong in my life either.

Too many parents looking for replacement caretakers, (cheap babysitters) in addition to the emotional risks you mentioned.

Been there, done that, NEXT!


rm_smosmof2 68M
3240 posts
7/5/2006 12:30 am

I do not, and never will have, any children, but I can conceive of a psychology where the children are sufficiently important that a parent would want to share his relationship with them with any new relationship, no matter how serious. I can't imagine having a girlfriend in the area not personally acquainted with my cats, but I recognize that that is not necessarily an appropriate analogy.


TheCliticals 36F/F

7/5/2006 12:39 am

Ive had the cute adorable child trick played on me once and never again, for similar reasons to yours. Six months as a bare minimum.

Dee


frangipanigal 46F
10406 posts
7/5/2006 1:59 am

Interesting, very interesting...

I never have anyone over to my place to "play" if Little Frangi is home (and asleep in bed) even if I have known them for a long time. She is too precious and even the time she is sleeping is my time with her.

If I met someone serious (or with potential serious written all over it), I would want them to meet Little Frangi as she is the most important thing in my life.

6 months? I guess I am a little more "grey" when it comes to time frames. I'd have to judge the case on it's merits.

Definately not until I was 100% sure it was long term.

Mr Great Kisser met Little Frangi (turned up at my place unannounced and uninvited). I wasnt happy about it....people meet her when I say, not when the decide to pop in.

I like the theory and all the ideas behind it. The "absolutness" of the 6 months...well, I am not a definate person most of the time.

Frangi x

PS They are so cute some of them. Hard not to fall in love with and very easy to miss. I had it happen with an ex's nieces and nephews. Broke my heart.


rm_Rico0825 56M
483 posts
7/5/2006 3:30 am

Very good rule SexyD. It also can be devastating to the children when these relationships fall apart. The children naturally think it is their fault. It has been proven that children who grow up with a parent who brings a lot of different people in and out of their life many times mature into adults who fear commitment.

I think a man who takes his time in allowing his girlfriends to meet his children is displaying not just great parenting skills but also a whole lot of character.


rm_PurryKitty2 49M/51F
9753 posts
7/5/2006 5:29 am

I think that we all have our own comfort level and that if you reach that point before 6 months, there is no harm in meeting the kids. It may be wiser to meet the kids early on and see if they are little brats or not LOL! Sometimes kids can destroy a relationship especially if they are little hellions!! LOL!

Purry {=}

Purry


NSAAddict 43F

7/5/2006 6:10 am

I agree completely, even longer than 6 months if it's a casual relationship. Kids are fragile and precious, they shouldn't be involved unless you're both in it for the long haul. Great post SexyD


southrnpeach333 52F

7/5/2006 6:42 am

i agree with waiting until there if a good clear feel of where both your feelings lie. not sure about the six months time frame but i agree with the waiting period.


bustybettyboop 51F  
59326 posts
7/5/2006 8:38 am

i agree w/u! i'm always meeting men who want me to meet there children right away! those poor kids that i have meet had seen lots of women in there life..i could tell. and there have been several peoples children that started calling me mom almost instantly. i have stayed in relationships longer then i should because of the kids! i've gotten sooo attached and it ripped my heart out never seeing them again!

..just join me on my blog bustybettyboop and still looking for some hot,sexy,creative contestants for my next contest...come join us! need a blog mentor or want to be one?


JustaSeeker 107F

7/5/2006 9:09 am

I guess I'll be the lone voice of dissent, or semi-dissent here. It's a good idea to see where your relationship with the father is going, that's certainly true. But I guess in my experience everybody always met everybody, whether it was at church or though organizations or just on the street. I think it's harder to keep anything separated in a small town so I'm more familiar with the concept of keeping your feelings hidden until it's appropriate, and it's safe, to show them because somebody's always watching. You also need to find out whether the kids are going to hate you, or vice versa, because sometimes that happens and the relationship with the dad blows up in your face. After 6 months you and he are way too attached to each other to take that in stride; sides must be taken. That sux.


a123rat 50M
1113 posts
7/5/2006 9:10 am

Sounds fair.


TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
7/5/2006 9:19 am

I think you are being very smart and mature about this. Six months is a good time..but I suppose it all depends on the context of the relationship...is it getting serious, or just casual, etc.
I have no intention to introduce any man I am seeing or will see to my children for loooong time. I am still in the middle of a divorce. Since I am the custodial parent, any "me" time with anyone will have to be planned discreetly...my kids come first.
I have a friend whose parents divorced when he was young, and he has memories of his mother parading different men in and out of the house...he still remembers it and is 46 now. Makes quite an impact on children if these people come and go out of their lives.
My feeling is, my kids already know their dad lives somewhere else, why expose them to more of that...that someone is leaving...there's time in the future for that.


WildWon1982 35M

7/5/2006 9:52 am

My last gf had a 9 year-old, and I met him very early in the relationship, and like you, I fell for the kid. He was awesome, and he worshipped my video game prowess. But it kept me in the relationhip way longer than I should have. When I thought of breaking it off, I stopped myself, because I had made promises to the kid, and I'm not one to go back on my word. When I finally tried to break up with her about 9 months before we actually did, she hung up the phone, and the kid called five minutes later, begging me not to break it off. Too much drama. I prefer not to date women with kids at all, but given my current state, I'm not picky. But I like the 6 month rule. I'm gonna use that.


norprin5 56M

7/5/2006 10:15 am

makes sense to me...

King Nor XVIII


rm_bk2nrml 58M

7/5/2006 10:41 am

well said, sd. i agree with you 100%. i use the same 6 month rule except its more for the kids' sake than mine. i love kids, even though i have none. if i get attached, i can deal with the situation better than a child could. i worry more about them getting attached to me and then if i have to walk out of their lives, what it does to them. ive got the same kind of rule when it comes to "playing". i will not spend the night at their house or play with mom if the kids are there, but thats a whole 'nother subject

aj


peaches19555 62M

7/5/2006 12:36 pm

It seems that in all the good natured shenanigans that you exhort here, you can not help but stumble over your heart. Maybe the grace that you seek was always at hand.


spacecadet561 61M

7/5/2006 2:33 pm

All this trauma makes me glad I haven't had to deal with the issue so far and hope I never do. Thanks for the warning.

SpaceCadetรน


rm_FreeLove999 48F
16127 posts
7/5/2006 2:44 pm

i can so relate to this. my sister had a girlfriend of two years who had two kids. i couldn't stand the girlfriend, but the kids were lovely and because she was so damn useless, i often looked after the kids and they treated me as a confidant in some ways. when my sister broke up with her, we tried to remain friends for the kids sake, but she would use them as emotional blackmail, so we had to cut off ties with her and the kids... she then went on to say lots of nasty things about us in front of the kids (we got this from several sources). it was horrible. i never want to put kids in that position again.



[blog freelove999]


FeistySyn 53F

7/5/2006 7:42 pm

I am going to strongly disagree, and I will explain why.

I had a good friend who had been single for a few years and was dating. Her daughter was the same age as mine, 3 - 4 years old at the time. Her daughter was never allowed to meet any men friends in Mommy's life. The fact that Mommy even dated regularly was a secret. (The Daddy was already remarried). Consequently, when Mommy decided she had been seeing a man long enough to involve her child in a dating friendship, the child attached a HUGE amount of importance and emotion instantly to the "new" man. It was not healthy, for either one of them or any of her serious dating relationships.

Now my story. I raised one child alone, she is now grown and married. I have another child living with me and she is still elementary school age. This child who lives with me is incredibly bright and inquisitive. She thinks Mommy should be married too, since Daddy has remarried (I have been single for almost 4 years). There is no way I could hide the fact that I date from this child without flat out lying through my teeth regularly about my life - which I will not do.

I tend to have more male buddies than female buddies in general as well. My daughter meets all my friends, male or female. That is how they are introduced, as my friend. Am I physically affectionate with them in front of her? NO. Do they spend the night with me when she is home? NO. As far as my daughter knows, I have had ONE boyfriend in 4 years. She adored him, as he did her. Yes, it was very painful for all of us, her included, when we broke up, but I handled it very carefully and sensibly and she didn't even realize we had broken up for at least a month. Have I only had one lover in 4 years? Hell NO!! *blushing*

If you only introduce your children to "select" and "special" friends, you are attaching far too much importance to that other person every time. Casual is the way to go. Not only does it keep it "light", but it also gives everyone a chance to figure out if the dynamics of your/theirs kids and your "friendship" are going to work enough to go to a more serious level. Imagine you are already at that level (say for example, after 6 months of dating *wink* ) ... and you are deeply in love, only to incorporate the wee ones in and find out there was some critical and unknown child-related deal breaker...

Sorry for the length, but I adore my kids!


Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?
~~~~~


rm_FreeLove999 48F
16127 posts
7/6/2006 12:59 am

after what i wrote last night, i felt a bit hypocritical, so thought about it a bit more... posted on my blog (i didn't want to hog yours).



[blog freelove999]


sexydisaster30 replies on 7/6/2006 6:50 am:
been there, read it, commented, good post.

reverend21 51M
1913 posts
7/6/2006 1:02 am

I think your right


JuicyBBW1001 56F

7/6/2006 2:44 am

I am still struggling with this issue myself so thanks for the post it is very thought provoking. I read free loves post too. I don't usually introduce my daughter to anyone right off the bat either. But then I also see FreeLove and Feisty's point of view. I just want to do what is right for my daughter and I am still confused.

Juicy


happyladychat 49F
3740 posts
7/6/2006 4:08 am

I think you are very thoughtful to be concerned of a kid's feeling. And for this, I applaud you.

However, I do think it is not significant to define a courtship period. As long as both of you are comfortable, you should start meeting each other's family.

Six months could be pretty long time..... what if you become inseperable with him and you find his kid couldn't accept you? This can become a potential disaster.


Make it your challenge.... turn me ON!!


Dowd3 44M

7/6/2006 6:28 am

I'm a full time dad and any woman I see must meet my daughter in pretty short order, not because I think this is a bad rule (very sensible to me) but because it's unavoidable. She's always nearby. I might add that I'm very proud of her and as such I tend to show her off a bit. It's like this, she's the best part of my life, and I'm not in the slightest bit ashamed of her.

The gist of what I'm getting at is that if you meet a man who wants introduce you to his kids early on, he may be just another proud papa who has no idea what a pitfall he is creating.

By all means, stick to this rule of yours. I find it a refreshing glimpse of your concern for these kids. I'll admit I would have walked right into this trap without thinking. But the next guy you have to exercise this rule with should be made to understand that it is their well being, not yours or his that is at the root of this thinking. A few more bruised feelings may be spared along the way.


evil_lolita 35F

7/6/2006 12:11 pm

I may be selfish, but I prefer not to involve myself with people who have children.

It's not a hard fast rule, but it's pretty much a standard. I don't have children, I don't plan on children, and I don't want the complications of children. I don't think it's fair to come into their lives when I don't plan to be there forever, you know?

Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.

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littlewilly84 52M
5 posts
7/6/2006 1:19 pm

i agree we should be cautious when it comes to dealing with children weather it be your own or someone you are dating a time frame is a good idea I had my own experience watching a little girl go from being a 2 year old to entering school when she was 5 and when the relationship ended the worst part was saying goodbye to that little girl children can steal your heart like that i still think of her even though its been years past now


MOfunNOWWOW 56F

7/6/2006 1:41 pm

I say at least six months. I love kids and I am not trying to have my heart broke! {=}


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


CB_2 52F

7/6/2006 4:23 pm

    Quoting FeistySyn:
    I am going to strongly disagree, and I will explain why.

    I had a good friend who had been single for a few years and was dating. Her daughter was the same age as mine, 3 - 4 years old at the time. Her daughter was never allowed to meet any men friends in Mommy's life. The fact that Mommy even dated regularly was a secret. (The Daddy was already remarried). Consequently, when Mommy decided she had been seeing a man long enough to involve her child in a dating friendship, the child attached a HUGE amount of importance and emotion instantly to the "new" man. It was not healthy, for either one of them or any of her serious dating relationships.

    Now my story. I raised one child alone, she is now grown and married. I have another child living with me and she is still elementary school age. This child who lives with me is incredibly bright and inquisitive. She thinks Mommy should be married too, since Daddy has remarried (I have been single for almost 4 years). There is no way I could hide the fact that I date from this child without flat out lying through my teeth regularly about my life - which I will not do.

    I tend to have more male buddies than female buddies in general as well. My daughter meets all my friends, male or female. That is how they are introduced, as my friend. Am I physically affectionate with them in front of her? NO. Do they spend the night with me when she is home? NO. As far as my daughter knows, I have had ONE boyfriend in 4 years. She adored him, as he did her. Yes, it was very painful for all of us, her included, when we broke up, but I handled it very carefully and sensibly and she didn't even realize we had broken up for at least a month. Have I only had one lover in 4 years? Hell NO!! *blushing*

    If you only introduce your children to "select" and "special" friends, you are attaching far too much importance to that other person every time. Casual is the way to go. Not only does it keep it "light", but it also gives everyone a chance to figure out if the dynamics of your/theirs kids and your "friendship" are going to work enough to go to a more serious level. Imagine you are already at that level (say for example, after 6 months of dating *wink* ) ... and you are deeply in love, only to incorporate the wee ones in and find out there was some critical and unknown child-related deal breaker...

    Sorry for the length, but I adore my kids!
I agree very strongly that pretending mummy doesn't date wrongly invests too much importance in the person who finally gets introduced to them.

When I introduced my (then) partner to my children, it was as a friend of mine. After a few months, when we got caught in flagrante by my 7 year old, I upgraded his status accordingly to boyfriend. But after we split up and I met someone else, he has not yet been introduced to my children. When he does, it will be as my friend. And we'll take it from there.

Incidentally, I once knew a boy at school whose mother moved through men like they were laxatives, and every time he went home (it was a boarding school) he was introduced to a new "Daddy". Ho ho ho - who's going to pay for the years of therapy that must have caused?

I would suspect the maturity and parenting skills of any man who was in a rush to introduce me to his children too early on in a relationship. So his very readiness to do so might well shorten the life of the relationship.

Blogito ergo sum.


rm_sloman44 61M
701 posts
7/6/2006 6:14 pm

As I was reading your post I was thinking "What about the kid"? Then you got around to that aspect of the subject. You are dead on here SD. Six months sounds like a good guideline.


rm_FreeLove999 48F
16127 posts
7/7/2006 1:07 am

    Quoting CB_2:
    I agree very strongly that pretending mummy doesn't date wrongly invests too much importance in the person who finally gets introduced to them.

    When I introduced my (then) partner to my children, it was as a friend of mine. After a few months, when we got caught in flagrante by my 7 year old, I upgraded his status accordingly to boyfriend. But after we split up and I met someone else, he has not yet been introduced to my children. When he does, it will be as my friend. And we'll take it from there.

    Incidentally, I once knew a boy at school whose mother moved through men like they were laxatives, and every time he went home (it was a boarding school) he was introduced to a new "Daddy". Ho ho ho - who's going to pay for the years of therapy that must have caused?

    I would suspect the maturity and parenting skills of any man who was in a rush to introduce me to his children too early on in a relationship. So his very readiness to do so might well shorten the life of the relationship.
i think this imposition of someone as "daddy" or anything particularly special is the detrimental part. if it is clear that these are just friends and the child is not expected to form any particular bond with the person, then it is not going to require years of therapy. as i stated on my blog, i think the really really detrimental part is giving your children any "unwarranted promise of permanence" in your relationships and the other way it could be damaging is if the person is a child molester -- which you have to be really really vigilant about... but you have to be vigilant about that regardless of if it is someone you are having a relationship with, or others your child comes into contact with.



[blog freelove999]


rm_sexxikritter 53F
2715 posts
7/7/2006 1:51 pm

I have to agree with feistysyn, consideringbi2 and freelove999 also.

This has been on my mind alot lately. I am just beginning to date after 6 years. My son has never known me to date.

If the children are introduced to your friends and there is very minimal to no physical contact when the kiddos are around, I think it makes for a much better situation.

My sister's older two children have had a succession of "uncles". She thought there was no problem in bringing a man into her home when her children were there and even having him spend the night. This happened literally 30-40 times over a 10 year period. It's no wonder that neither of her kids have healthy or productive realtionships now, as adults. They saw mom shlupping any Uncle Tom, Dick or Harry with no words of explanantion other then "it's my life and I'm NOT about to NOT have sex just cause I got kids."

I will not put my child through that. It is not even a consideration for me. However, after a few private meetings (dates) with a man who I am comfortable with, I would consider some kind of introduction. Perhaps allowing him to pick me up from my home where the intro would be that he is a friend and we are going out, not calling it a date.

After several more dates, I may consider inviting the man to dinner when my son is home. (My son's father is not a part of his life, so I can't save those in house dinner dates for when he is with him, cause he never is.) There would be no overnight visits until there was a serious relationship established and a commitment for both of us. He would also not be elevated to boyfriend status until then. He will remain momma's friend, just as all of my male and female friends are.


cobra70118 106M

7/7/2006 6:51 pm

Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely!

For both you and the kid.

I love kids and a woman with kids is no problem with me. But... I do not want the kid and I getting bonded only to have it dashed away like you wrote. And kids and I bond very quickly. I've had this happen to me. And if both people have kids get real cause it takes years to blend families. I said years. Minimum five years.


cobra70118 106M

7/7/2006 6:57 pm

Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely if not longer!

Ya don't play games with kids like that. I was a single Dad for years and only brought home two woman in all that time.

I love kids and a woman with kids is no problem with me. But... I do not want the kid and I getting bonded only to have it dashed away like you wrote. And kids and I bond very quickly. I've had this happen to me. And if both people have kids get real cause it takes years to blend families. I said years. Minimum five years.


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