So you aren't getting any play on AFF?  

sexpirate19125 53F
162 posts
9/10/2006 7:40 pm

Last Read:
8/27/2011 12:32 pm

So you aren't getting any play on AFF?

I am about to share with you the secret to getting laid on AdultFriendFinder. Pay close attention and guard this information with your life.

1) It's not that testosterone means you will fuck anything (some of you will fuck anything because you are just a fucktard and a predatorial evolutionary throwback). Testosterone allows you to fuck even people you don't actually like.

Have you considered why women, who are built to be able to have sex with anyone regardless of how they feel about the person, are wired in the complete opposite way?

Estrogen and biology means we actually have to like you before we can consider having sex with you. And if we don't like you as a person, you had better be packing some serious Alpha male genetic material to pass on to potential offspring or we will not grant you biological entry, stud. So unless you are Jean Claude Van Damme with a 9+ inch penis... brush up on your vocabulary, brush your teeth and for god's sake stop waving your dick around as if it were a peace offering.

2) Get over yourself. Yes, this is a sex AND swingers site. Yes, we are all here looking for adult recreation. NO, this still does not mean that you get to pass GO, collect 3 orgasms and get out of dating jail free on this turn or the next one. Foreplay starts with your personality. If you aren't turning on the better sides of your personality for us, you aren't turning on anything else in us either.

It's not enough that you are there, have an impressive penis (in your opinion or your ex-gf's opinion), or that you can (insert sex act) like no other man on the planet. We really need to feel good about having sex with you. Please don't give us more reasons to consider switching teams and becoming full on lesbians.

3) Stop whining. If you want sex on demand from a woman who doesn't need you to talk to her, get to know her or generally treat her like much more than a blow up doll... THEN GO BUY A HOOKER, STUPID! Women are still women no matter where you meet them.

4) Expose yourself the right way. Unlike men, we cannot shove your face in a pillow while we fuck you if we don't like what we see. We actually have to look at you and as a result, we need to like what we see. Show your face and stop being a ridiculous fucktard about it.

5) Know your place on the food chain. If she is in decent shape, has half a brain and isn't insane - chances are good that she has at least a minimal standard that she sticks to... even if she is on AdultFriendFinder. You want the hot chick? Be in shape, practice good grooming and occasionally use some mental floss before you talk to her. All women, regardless of appearance, get bombarded with emails from losers on this site on a regular basis. You may think you are hot shit but from where we sit, you are another prick banging on the door trying to find a place to lay sperm. Differentiate yourself or be prepared for alot of time wasting.

6) Why do women want big dicks? Simple. If we are going to sleep with an idiot and have to suffer through his insensitive, misguided, judgemental stupidity about the kind of women that hook up with guys on AdultFriendFinder... {and believe me, these guys (a) don't show these colors until afterwards and (b) always suck in bed too... talk about insult to injury!....}... wow, we at least want the novelty size porn dick for our troubles. That is the beginning and end of it.

Really want to get laid? Try looking at the women in here as people you might want to get to know and enjoy. Some of the most amazing, sexy, open minded women hang out around here but you will never know if you don't open your ears and listen.

1586 posts
9/10/2006 8:28 pm

You may have to forgive lazy women (like me) who will say, "Yeah! What Sexpirate just said!"

Great post.

I'm hoping that the guys that need to read it the most will actually bother.

A girl can dream, can't she? LOL

attentive2u58 59M
251 posts
9/11/2006 12:03 pm

Lmao. Nicely written, well done.

RockPebble 70M
2493 posts
9/11/2006 12:47 pm

Thanks that was good.

klbunny 46F

9/12/2006 1:30 am

BRAVO!! Well said!!
Thanks for putting a smile on my face as I'm just about to go crazy at the office!

rm_2spunkE 42M
52 posts
9/13/2006 6:15 am

damn!where on fucks heaven did you learn how to write like that!fuck!ur candour is your testimony gal!i had fun reading it.

sexpirate19125 replies on 9/13/2006 9:38 pm:
LOL.. thanks?

monstermattXL 49M
1 post
9/14/2006 7:35 am

Wonderful writing. Pithy and to the point, with no questions remaining (for anyone with 2+ working brain cells, that is...).

But what is a man to do if he really follows all your rules, and still gets "no play"?

I am coming to believe that, even given a strict adherence to your 6 Simple Rules For Finding A Fuckmate, a man has little chance of finding a woman who actually reads his emails, let alone responds to them. This is my experience so far. Let me express my true feelings..."Grrrrrrrrrr"

sexpirate19125 replies on 9/15/2006 6:24 am:
If you follow all this and you still get no play then chances are:

a) You need to spend alot more time at the gym. Alot. Actually using it. Cardio. Weights. Sweat. What else are you going to do with your Friday nights? Date your hand?

b) Your penis size is so small that you could apply for disability because of the handicap that it presents.

c) You really need some gay male friends to come and give you a manly make-over and transform you into something a bit more workable than Hagar the Horrible or Marvin the Microscope Jockey.

d) You live in one of those horrible small town places with a population of 300 and the female residents, while registered on here, are also terrified of "outing" themselves to co-workers, neighbors and family (which could very well be the same thing in one person!)

e) If this doesn't work... well, remember. Women need a reason for sex. Men just need a place. AdultFriendFinder doesn't come with any gaurantees that women on this site are perpetually hot and bothered. Sorry!

jimjackandjohnny 48M
15 posts
9/14/2006 6:39 pm

I just love it when a woman screams, shouts, yells, kicking and screaming...i just wet in my pants....LOL. Thanks. Good one.

Perchance2000 58M

9/16/2006 12:29 am

The last paragraph says it all. What more is there to be said?

wants2cyber 44F

9/16/2006 9:00 pm

Foreplay starts with your personality.

Fabulously stated!!

__Huntress__ 56M/59F

9/25/2006 7:21 am

Amen ...


rm_hef60618 46M
1 post
9/27/2006 7:44 pm

Again fact is funnier than fiction.....great post

discreetly48 48M
2 posts
10/14/2006 2:40 pm

o.k. So the women that say show me your cock before saying hello are what???? I enjoyed the reading was well put and could nt be more to the point. However after letting it sit on the palate for a minute i realized it was just a sexist female rant. Hold the phone now, i agree with the personality part as well as a few other parts but the subtle male bashing inflected into the story was a bit much for me. Hope ya like honesty.

sexpirate19125 replies on 10/15/2006 8:01 pm:
Of course, you would say that.


thomasmichael71 46M

10/28/2006 8:50 am

Great post. Unfortunately I think a lobotomy may be the only way to get your message through...

RobCmndr37 47M

10/29/2006 12:11 pm

That was brutally honest and to the point. It definitely can crush a lot of the overinflated egos on here.

rm_needarubadub 62M
1 post
11/13/2006 4:59 am

I get the feeling that as always some of us{male and female} dont quite know what we want, and so we get on this site and fantisize. But remember....nothing ventured , nothing gained....meaning get off your ass meet someone ,converse if only at a coffee shop and attempt to fufill those fantisies!!

48 posts
12/27/2006 4:14 pm

Your input on a.f.f. on how to meet a women was great thank you .

semenshooter07 45M

10/3/2007 6:25 am

Sexpiraate19125 lives very local to me and when she is in the philly tri state chat room with her cam so owns it with iron rule. At first she comes off as a tease because she doesnt give in to the narrow minded requests but she is definitely a breath of fresh air. Her wit and charm just makes you want to share a popcorn in bed with her nude just for some laughs and conversation. She is very picky and specific so dont even waste your time if you dont fit the mold she is looking for. She will shoot you down LOL. I enjoy time she gives us and i actually look forward to her camming. Too bad she isnt into chocolate because i would give her a stomach and tooth ache LOL. Youre the best sexypirate19125.

This post was dead on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rm_SirHotRod69 54M
7 posts
2/10/2008 6:32 am

Brilliant my darling. To bad, I would have actually liked to check you out but I guess I'm to late now.

Have fun wherever you go.

HolloBurenDrupe 32M

12/22/2008 8:40 am

Some men don't want to put in the time because so much of it has been wasted on women who play games until we are blue in the face.

However I agree with going find a prostitute. In the end, it is better bang for your buck (pardon the pun). No time wasted buying drinks, taking her out for dinner, etc.

dingersdong 73M
185 posts
7/14/2009 9:10 am

Seems to me your being a little rough. I've always observed that women get the respect they demand. When they don't get it they tell the guy to fuck off. Your article was well written.

Become a member to create a blog