Loser?  

sexloverocknroll 58M
282 posts
4/9/2006 10:55 am

Last Read:
4/11/2006 5:44 am

Loser?


My frustrations with this site have been well documented here. No, I am not the only person who experiences this. However, just for a little background, I will open my heart and bare all.

6 and 1/2 years, my whole life turned upside down. Everything I knew as truth turned out to be lies. Everything I had for support, failed me, even turned against me at times. Every tool I had stopped working and actually hurt me. I had just lost a relationship that I had thought for the first time in my life, was real and true and would be the last one. In this time, I made 6 attempts at 3 different schools for grad school, none accepted me. I had strong determination, noble intentions, and divine ambitions. I experienced an 18 month period of unemployment. Just imagine yourself in your bed room in your parent’s house, 23 hours a day with nothing to do but think and be depressed. You might think that could never be you, you would get out and do something. With what money? With what friends? I do not drink, so that limits me in this small town. You might think to yourself, I would do just fine. You would take any old job, right? Just keep on thinking that and do not try it out, okay?

Unemployment in our American culture is a killer. Our entire system is set-up around money and toys and being independent. Hey, at least I was not living in a card board box or in a van down by the river. Unemployment destroys any self-esteem one might have and then, if the structure is not that sound to begin with, the foundations will break. For the first 6 months, I applied for every damn job I could find. I applied for things I wish I wouldn’t have because they were a huge compromise to my morals and standards, but I did. The first day they showed up in the newspaper, I went for it. I checked all the agencies, all my options. Nothing. After 10 months of looking for work, I just stopped trying.

Since I quit drinking, I have had very few friends, anyway. I called the few I have, got no answers. I tried, got the same excuses and rejections, so I just stopped trying. No one wants to date a loser. No one wants to be friends with a loser. No one wants to date a guy who is over 40 with no job and lives with his parents. Maybe there are some out there, but I did not meet any. I had no opportunities to met people. Then, I got really ill. Seriously ill, just one short bout away from an extended hospital stay. Not only could I not pay my existing bills, I racked up huge doctor bills. Before getting ill, I tried to work-out, in my room. Lots of stuff a person can do. I had to stop. I got way out of shape and I was at the highest weight ever in my life.

Once a person has to live this way and they can find a day or some brief periods of time when they are not depressed or feel like a huge loser, there comes Clarity. One realizes that LOVE is the most important thing in life. Love from family, friends, a spouse or partner. At least, I had my family.

We got a computer and the internet 3 years ago. I thought these dating sites would be a good idea. At first, I just looked and went to the ones a person could answer or write without having to pay for a membership. After all, $30 was a huge amount of me back then. I must have sent out over a 100 letters. No one wrote me back. So, somehow, I came up with some money, buy one and decided to try harder. Again, nothing, save for two people. One, we were just e-mail friends for a time. She lived in South Dakota and only wanted friendship. The other was Russian. She told me all the things I needed to hear. I finally became motivated to look for work and finally, things slowly began to work out. I got a job, but it only last for 3 months. She turned out to be a man and a swindler. I went another 9 months without work. I stopped looking on the internet. Quickly, I was right back into being depressed and angry. Then, finally, I found a temporary job. I met a few woman there I liked and thought they liked me, but they all said no. One gave me her number, but never answered and always said she was busy. That job ended, I got sick again, but after 3 months, I found work again. I went to other sites, and again, got nothing, safe one friend who lives in Michigan. Still e-mail her nearly everyday and I am grateful for her friendship. I went to Russian sites and got tons of responses, but none worked out. We got to be friendly and they said they loved me and then.. It just stopped.

One day, I saw this show on TV about women in prison. So, I went on some sites, wrote many letters, and.. Just 2 answered me back. How pathetic is that? There is one that I have been writing letters to and I love this girl, from her letters. However, she is doing life in a maximum security facility for killing her husband. They do not allow conjugal visits, marriage, or any type of physical contact. She claims she not do it and I agree with her, but she is doing life. Who knows?

After all of this rejection, is it any under I feel like a loser? I know I am not and I can only explain this though Divine Interventions. Safe me from myself. Some sort of Job test like thing. Of course, I want to be angry at God at times. Why am I being oppressed? The proper way to look at is that I am being Guided and Lead to my purpose and goal. Can any of you say that?

AdultFriendFinder has helped me find a few new friends, but again, they are in Iowa and Japan. Now, I have the time and the money. I started my on business a year ago and it is taking off! I actually had to hire a couple of people and I am about to have to hire another.

When I first came on this site, I wrote to lots of Jamaican women on here. Some wrote me back. Most ask for money, right away. I have been there. I know the culture. I understand. There is one that I am liking very much. We have spoken on the phone many times and made plans to meet in person. I have only heard from her twice in the last 3 weeks. If history is to repeat itself, then it will not work out and I will have to start all over again. On AdultFriendFinder, there is a 10:1 men to women ratio on there. The woman can be as picky and shallow as they wish. The rubbish with fake profiles and liars and scammers has been too much for me. Bloging has gone well thus far, so that is all I want from AdultFriendFinder now. I do not want to hook-up with swingers. Not saying anything bad about that, just that it is not me. Do NOT want any married woman or women who only want to have sex. That limits me and keeps me from getting laid. I know what I want and I am striving for that. It would be foolish to settle for less and besides, I do not think God will allow me to choose otherwise. I know I do not get to make that choice on my own, anyway. When I do, it is gone.

If this sounds too bleak and negative, sorry, these are the facts. I just do my best and keep the Faith and try not to allow Mr. C to run my life. I have had to completely redefine myself. Am I done? No, but much better than before. Do I deserve love and a decent relationship? DAMN STRAIGHT I do!!! But Someone Else does not think it is time yet.

Become a member to create a blog