rm_wench_annwyl 34T
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1/28/2006 11:27 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm


No, not the first book of the Torah, the Pentateuch, and the Bible as a whole. I mean the beginning of this web journal. I usually fail at keeping up with these things, whether they be online or with ink and paper. I don't know why I started this, but mostly likely it is boredom and the excitement at a return to "the lifestyle". Not that it was ever away from me. "You can take the girl out of the lifestyle but not the lifestyle out of the girl," you could say. But last semester was a busy one for me, my first semester in grad school. I managed to ace everyhing as usual (and thus why I made this far to begin with). I then spent the winter break out of the country, so it's been perhaps six months since actually making an effort to put myself out there for the taking of a Master, or even the casual date and sex for that matter. I have a Mistress who plays with me every few months, but it's a 12 hour drive to see Her so it's not a very frequent even to be used by Her. For anyone happening to be reading, She doesn't own me exclusively and understands that, even prefers it, so I'm still available, even for exclusive ownership. Anyway...

It's good to be back. I always regret being away from things to begin with, but I always promised myself that I'd finish school. I think from the age of about 13 I knew some how the implications of the relationships I would have with people. In those days I didn't know terms like "sub", "BDSM", etc., but I the moment I discovered it it was like an epiphany and I finally understood the vagueries that went on in the convoluted mind of teenager still finishing puberty. Of course, there's also the matter of being transgendered. Coping with the realization that you're a sadomasochist submissive with bondage fetishes (and so forth) is enough without realizing on top of that that you're female in side, and would like to manifest it on the outside as well. I started dressing at the age of 10 though. I think gender identity should prelude sexual tendencies though, so I don't find that unusual. I dressed in secret all through middle school. I remember I used to put on my mother's and my sister-in-law's (for some reason half of her wardrobe was stored at our house when she and my brother moved to Florida) clothing. The only used to dress at night in those days, and it was very thrilling! I remember many sleepless nights in total excitement, lying under my sheets wearing dresses, skirts, blouses, hosiery, even shoes (until my feet grew to the size of a teenage boy's). It seems so absurd now, dressing up late at night and sleeping in the clothes, waking up early enough to put it back where I found it in silence. I also dressed up when I was home alone, and I even stooped low enough to hide clothes in backpacks and take them into the forest behind our house in rural Massachusetts to walk between the trees as a girl. The final moment of initiation for me was when I actually mustered the courage to buy my own women's clothing, even lingerie. It's about this age that I started corset training. I kept it secret at first, hiding my cinched waist underneath sweatshirts all day, being careful not to be hugged. Fortunately (well, sort of) I was living with my mother. Were I with my father I wouldn't have been able to engage in any of this since I know for sure he would've simply hugged me one day and felt it under my clothing, and then I'd be disowned. My mother was very disinterested in my comings and goings, and that benefited my experimentations and my body-modifications with the corset. Unfortunately I also have epilepsy, and the shit hit the fan for me when I had a seizure in biology class my junior year of high school at age 16. Although not a damned thing can be done for a person having a seizure, other than to make sure that there aren't any objects near victims which they can spasm into and hurt themselves, the policy for schools is to always call an ambulance, even for a diagnosed epileptic. At this time everything underneath my top layer of clothing was feminine. I wore jeans and sweatshirts... but underneath I had been wearing a corset, women's underwear (until I discovered gaffs for crossdressers), hosiery, and some times a women's t-shirt or tank top. Luckily no one at the school knew of this since they don't exactly strip you right there, but the doctors who treated me knew, and so then did my mother. She reacted in disgust. I remember all she did was continually ask, "But... you're not gay, are you? Why would you do that? That's gross." Of course me trying to be a rational human being with her didn't work, but it didn't start a war like it probably would have with my father. She didn't mention it to any one and we just stopped talking to eachother about things. I think she just wanted to deny it and didn't even want to know about it. Maybe she even hoped that I never did it regularly after that, but the experience had the opposite effect: it was freeing to be "discovered". By the time I was eighteen I had the balls (an ironic expression since those organs have been the bane of my existence) to simply walk around all the time crossdressed. Dressing mildly gothic helped the transvestite pill go down easier with most people though. Not to offend the "true" gothics of the world, but half of the time goths look crossdressed when they're not even trying to wear women's clothing. It was a buffer you could say. Soon I was completely comfortable with myself, was trained in a corset (properly for Christ's sake seeing as I had no idea what I was doing, only what I wanted... now I have real expensive corsets made to fit exclusively for me to tightlace), and groomed myself feminine daily. When I was a bit younger I was even passable near 100% (except my cursed bass voice, the dreaded gift puberty gives to some males, and unluckily also to ones who couldn't possibly appreciate it, like myself). I'm 22 now and the facial hair is a bit hard to control. To be honest with myself, I'd be a hairy man if I gave it a moment's chance to exist on me. It's the ungoing struggle to shave your face close enough to last the day covered underneath your foundation, and preferrably to avoid a scratchy face when you wash the make-up off at night (which can't possibly be attractive to you guys for bed-time antics with us T-girls). I've never taken hormones or underwent surgery... mostly for money purposes, but also because I'm truly afraid. Just because I feel like I should be a girl doesn't mean that what is essentially the mutilation of my body is appealing to me. You don't know what you're going to get, and when you're used to what you have and making do with it then it seems almost undesirable to change things, especially if you're not sure that it'll make you any better. I guess to end this issue quickly I'd be willing to do just about anything for the happiness of a good Master, and I would feel it my duty to give Him breasts and a vagina if He desired it of me, and even plastic surgery if He desired softer features. But a life time commitment to surgical alteration would coincide with a life time commitment to a Master, so that really is a discussion for another time and place, and a personal one between me and Someone else. The result is that today I am a TG/TV.

As for sexuality... well, that's complicated. I remember I was 3 years old (I have a memory that goes back amazingly far... I even remember an event that occured while I was 18 months old, and I rememer my 2nd birthday as well). I was running around the house in the evening in my briefs (it must have been summer because my family is more modest than to even have their 3 year old run around without pants and a shirt). I was playing a game, playing all 3 characters as I enacted it, and the game was "Damsel in Distress". At least if I could name the game, that's what I'd call it. The premise was that an evil knight kidnapped a princess and put her in a tower and the good knight had to save her. I cowered in the corner, pretending to be the captured princess, trapped by the evil knight who wanted me for himself. I don't think children know what sex is, but something about it seems sexual in hindsight (but that just might be due to my age now). But I still however get the distinct feeling that the character of the princess that I was playing had a concept of guilt, of being "used", or taken against her will, of shame for something that would transpire between her and the good night if he didn't save her in time. Then there was the evil knight, who again had this sexual edge to him, that he needed to subjugate this maiden and make her his, that her cowering in the corner was a good thing, it was her place underneath him and how he would control her to get what he needed from her. The good knight had no such dynamic. He was a disembodied fairy tale stuck in this tale which was miraculously real in terms of the roles of bad knight and princess. Some how I became the princess that day, and I would find out that I needed to be that princess under the control of that evil knight.

My roommate wants to sleep. More of the prelude to my present life to come...

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