A mixed feelings day  

rm_vtlibra 48F
81 posts
3/6/2005 5:44 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A mixed feelings day

Its morning..but than again..it has been for hours as I have been up half the night, yet AGAIN!I wish I could find a way to detach myself from my brain, just to beable to fall into a deep, peaceful,no thoughts, no dreams..sleep. But I cant, unless I take something and than I feel drugged for the entire day after. My mind will NOT stopping thinking, searching, solving, wondering, worrying,loving, longing, missing, hating...and the list goes on and on..long enough for me to get the rest I so desperatly need.Truth be told, its because i saw HIM for the first time in over a month and it started things running through my mind all over again. Its my own fault, I was the one that caused the situation for us to be together and even thought it was a maximum of 5 minutes, it only took the first 30 seconds of being in the same room to cause all the feelings, emotions and pain to rush to the surface, that I have spent so damn hard trying to slam them behind a BIG heavy door in my heart!LOVE/HATE..that line is SO FINE, its almost invisible. All at the same time i felt the overwhelming need to SCREAM in his face, cry, smash something AND I wanted to put my arms around him, place my hand on his face, feel him breath, touch my lips to his softly, feel his hands in my hair and just stand there like that..for a moment, brathing in eachothers breath and if he reads this..he will know EXACTLY what I am talking about.For me, kissing him sometimes is more intimate than the act of lovemaking itself.
When he went to leave, i walked him to the door, we said our goodbyes and he left. I stood there, watching the door, waiting, hoping to hear him come back. A few minutes passed before i realized there were tears running down my face as I heard his car leave. GODDAMMIT..i have worked so hard at not crying everyday..and I gotten thru 5 days of no tears..and a 5 min in and out visit reduced me right back to where I was over a month ago. Hurt, crying every 5 min,confused, but most of all..what HAPPEND!~We had been getting along great..sex wasnt even in the picture for a long time.And than one day, we make love..its beautiful, sensual, passionate more passionate now than ever,it seems so unreal, to have made love to you the many times i have in almost 3 years and each time its more amazing than the last. Is that LOVE...LUST..im confused..i dont know anymore..
ok..now I need to take a minute..breath..push the thoughts away..and start my day. I have given you what amount of time I am going to allow for now. till later...xox..Stacey

rasa-is-fun 39M

3/7/2005 12:47 pm

You seem to be so hurt, yet you want to move on. I enjoy your blogs. If you are looking for a person to write back and forth with let me know. They won't let us put our email address straight on here so if you take the ^ out from between the letters you will have my email. Feel free to express your thoughts and desires, m^y^g^r^o^o^v^e^o^5^@^y^a^h^o^o^.^c^o^m

rm_vtlibra 48F
17 posts
3/9/2005 8:35 pm

thanks a bunch Rasa,thats very giving on you. I may take you up on the offer, although, please dont be afraid i will take the entire time chatting with you dumping all my sadness on you..lol. Sorry it took me so long to reply to you, seems things are very screwy on AdultFriendFinder sometimes. It says there is a message..and there is none..or there is one and it doesnt say. The times it shows my posts are off by hours..and it takes days for them to show up. I am hoping soon they get some of the kinks out. Thanku for taking the time to read my blog, I really didnt think anything I had to say would be much interest to many..like I said before..more of a online diary for me, that was the thought in the begininng.Life truly is always changing..Take care..xox..Stacey

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