Retreats into solitude  

rm_tennismaiden 61F
2103 posts
7/18/2006 8:27 am

Last Read:
7/24/2006 7:47 pm

Retreats into solitude

Does anyone out there experience times when pulling back and withdrawel seems appropriate?

Since returning from my adventures North I've found myself in another cyclical or funk spot of emotions. I very much enjoyed having the treat of new surroundings and welcoming sights before never seen. These changes are so good for our senses, they tickle the brain and imagination.

But since returning (although glad to be home) I've settled into the familiar status "what do I want to be when I grow up"?

Taking vacations either physically or emotionally and setting aside all else while we indulge our over worked brain and heart with a "check out" period to enjoy smelling the roses of life. This is of course neccesary to re-energize our thought processes in a way to return and feel refreshed and able to again, get back into the grindstone of everyday living.

I've been sitting at home for several days letting in the dark that seems to haunt me at times. This might have been precipited by some change at work that I am now taking a closer look at. My partner is becoming overwhelmed with her new business, she brought in another seamstress whom I simply adore but this has put strain on her to rev up the production of workroom tasks. In realizing she is not reaping the profits by subcontracting the labor to my friend and I she has decided to cut back on our hours of work.

The former partner, now being redifined as my employer has changed, and I must realign my thoughts ideas and projections for my future accordingly. I had thought there was an opportunity for me to grow with her, go back to school, take on more aspects of the business other than being relegated to the sewing machine and stretch my creativity with design (of which I have a natural Knack).

There is no future there I've found. It's not my business and realizing I must strike out on my own the only way I'll ever "grow up" and find a carreer this late in the game.This has been another sad acceptance, more change, more upheaval and a retreat in my head is neccessary for me to ingest the changes.

Feelings of unrest, not good ones the ones that cause a bit of nausea, and the ever present dizzy in my head upon awakening do occur. I could blame this on hormones, the dreaded seratonin drop so typical of menopause, this is cyclical and I feel it very sensitivly deep within. There are days prior to that "female malady time" when I burst into tears just becasue. I'm feeling on the verge of this and instead of fighting the urge I must step back let it wash over me like the tide ebb and flow of life.

I don't enjoy periods of stagnation, I become angry with the reasons for doing so. Why can't I recognize these signs, switch over and begin to read them when they occur? Damn if I know. I feel them like indigestion or acid reflux, they knaw at your insides telling you to "WAKE THE FUCK UP" girl. Get your shit together and take it on the road. If you're not happy then go get what might be a chance, a ticket, a slice of heaven and keep going till someday your bones become brittle, too tired to move and waiting for that last breath is the only choice left.

Why am I so afraid of change? Is it that I've been so conditioned to accept it's discomfort and pain I cannot see it's benefits? Or am I really afriad I'll find the happiness I seek upon embracing its presence?

(Going back into her cave and thinking for a spell) Hey, last time I checked I didn't have balls between my legs. Isn't that what guys do? OMG...this menopause is producing way too much testosterone in the tennismaiden!

Help....I'm growing balls....Oh but maybe that's a good thing!

free2chose2 67F

7/18/2006 9:49 am

Perhaps in that cave you may discover more inner strength and at last decide your best avenue. It could be opening a shop of your own, but that would be quite time consuming or partnering/employed in like business already established....(just a thought)

Don't worry, be Happy

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/19/2006 4:46 am:
My Dear know of the hill I climb it is yelling at me to reach the top and I shall in my own time reach the summit. I will consider all choices (as your handle captures your essence) and continue to bounce these ideas upon all my good dear friends. For you are what keeps me sane and continuously offers golden words of actions and wisdom.

HeardLankaMalls 56M
2925 posts
7/18/2006 10:30 am

We are all afraid of change TM. Afraid of the unknown. Some may explore, but they find comfort in those places where they are familiar. Our generation grew up generally with our parents having one or two jobs in their career, living on one or two locations (home), and providing a place for us to grow up. We grew up, and wanted that for ourselves, and our kids. Unfortunately, the world has changed, companies have downsized, and "mobility" is the keyword for the next generations. Many younger people in the work place have no qualms at changing jobs several times in order to "move up" or get a bigger paycheck. And businesses no longer consider it a stigma if a person applying for a job has several previous places of employment on their resume.

You've said it yourself in your post. Wake up. You see what is happening in your life, and you know change is necessary. Now you have to decide when, where, how much, and what kinds of changes you want to make. I do not envy you the task, knowing that I too am ok in familiar surroundings, even though I could/should make changes that may make me happy.

Hugs, C

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/19/2006 4:50 am:
Can't I just take a "courage" or "no fear" pill and be done with all these questions?

When did this world change so much while we were sleeping? It seems I must wake up and climb on-board, damn difficult to do! But your many words of encouragement have helped guide me along the way, and for that I am grateful...kisses to you Cor!

Dekora 54M
937 posts
7/18/2006 12:31 pm

Too much testosterone!?! PLEASE don't tell us that you never looked at the map once, nor even thought about asking for directions while enroute to your vacation cabin!!!

BTW - balls are a nice thing to have from time to time!

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/19/2006 4:53 am:
So I'm learning (about the balls)! But can I get them without all the hair? Ooooo couldn't bare to shave those precious jewels, OUCH..they're very tender and sensitive!

AstirRelicLatah 66M
1993 posts
7/18/2006 1:09 pm

Change is an illusory thing. We don't really change, we evolve into another us. Knowledge is built one block at a time and so is change. One of my favorite thinkers, Buckminster Fuller would always so, you don't learn less. So, change, experiment, move forward or backward, but move. The trip is worth the experience.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/19/2006 5:14 am:
Welcome in Skier, I've taken the time to read your posts and I must say...interesting. Though you might be restless, biking, lusting, dancing you will find being here and putting finger to keyboard will permit some release of energy.

I wish to share a quote from the new book I'm reading
"When a life is too controlled, there becomes less and less life to control"

I noticed you touched upon this characteristic of yourself, the writings and thoughts you share reflect this, and while this is not a bad thing I ask where is your Piscean nature (we're born one day apart)Where is your dreamy adventurist uncontrollable self? Are you hiding this from us?

Com'on...I know it's there simply from you being here? Let this facet of yourself shine forth in your writings as it does in your taste of music and body movement.

I'd be thrilled to watch YOU evolve!

Thank you for stopping in, I'm so flattered you did!

Darkpassion 58F

7/18/2006 2:43 pm

If you love what you are doing start on your own. I did that was 15yrs ago. I don't make a fortune but i'm happy. I teach sewing and do the ocassional commision. If I was after the money i would do more private work there is plenty out there we all need clothes, home furnishings etc.
The prolblem I have is time for a love life I'm going on retreat next week I hope I find the rest of myself. We are all made up of many, social, leisure, family, love etc etc some bits of mine are missing and I need to work out a way to get it together sounds like you're in the same boat.
Hope things work out for you. it's not easy working with a partner everything carries home.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/19/2006 5:22 am:
Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a comment, as well contacting me through email.

Yes the sways, rocks, runs a-ground and generally mystifies me at times. Do NOT give in to un-balance, your love life is as important as financial security, hormonal harmony,and all the other struggles to keep our boat afloat!

Together you and me Darkpassion, will forge ahead while sailing the rough waters of life!

I am very lucky to meet such wonderful women such as yourself, and grateful you took the time to reach out and say hello.....HUGZ!

rm_silly153 65M/61F
26 posts
7/18/2006 3:32 pm

Get your butt out of that cave little girl... the lighting is ALL wrong for you. And beside the fact that it is impossable to hang curtains on rock, you will have a terrible time with the crown molding

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/19/2006 5:26 am:
Ohhh the response, if I could stop giggling long enough to post one I'd be in good shape! I've already told you my reaction to this comment.

What I haven't shared is how much I value your presence in my life! A scholar, gentlemen, lover and jokester with a deep love of many things in life, How lucky of a girl I am to have met you! OXOXOX TM

SpaceRangerNJ 56M
4687 posts
7/18/2006 3:39 pm

My first thoughts are, you are being much too hard on yourself. You are an amazing woman. Just look at yourself. Try not to beat yourself up so much.

I think you do a lot better than most at moving your life in the way you want. You are a strong woman. What we all want our daughters to grow up to be.

Taking a little time to reflect is always good. I find that a long hike where it is just me and my mind over body is a great place to focus and think. Getting away from all distractions, going deep into think mode. You have to in order to keep walking ahead over the miles. Wanna hit the trail?

Self reflection and setting goals is what they say to do. Check in and see how everything is going. If it's not working, don't continue the same thing looking for different results. Adjust and move on. So easy to say. So hard to do. Yes, we all hate change, or so it seems.

Good luck. I know you'll be just fine.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/19/2006 5:35 am:
My dearest Space,

We've been through much these many months as members of a select group here. WE know each others struggles pains triumphs and joys. AS only dear friends and supporters should. When I began to read what you posted I was so touched by your comment about being a women that young ladies or daughters could emulate.

Being vulnerable over the last few days this sentiment again caused me to shed a tear. Out of such glowing pride, that you could feel I was worthy of such honor. Being a mother of all boys a soft spot still lingers within for that girl of my flesh and you hit such a warm and tender area.

Thank you for reminding me, you are a true friend that has much figured out even though he too isn't as sure footed as he would like to be. Let us lean on one another and provide the reflection of which we cannot see. Is that not the spirit of friendship?

It is.....and if I've provided you with some much needed support I can only hope it is enough for what you've written here for me to read. Your words were golden, priceless as only you can offer.

Many many thanks...hugs and kisses, TM!

aascrompn 43M
6444 posts
7/18/2006 6:49 pm

I hate to hear this... Have you ever thought you could have anxiety? The dizziness and overwhelming feeling rings true to me as symptoms I was having... Hugs.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/19/2006 12:36 pm:
Well hello you handsome Atlanta hunk, where have you been? I know not fair, I really must come visit you soon. I do have anxiety issues which are totally under control this is another issue altogether.

I'm feeling much better today (wednesday) and soon I'll head out to the gym to do some treadmill. Rest assured I'm being well looked after by the best doc around. No worries! Thank you for your concern, it's os nice to see you again!

blueguy1051 61M

7/18/2006 7:03 pm

You can go at things one of two ways. One, you make a list of what you don't like and do like about your life and make decisions as to what you want to change.

The other is to make a complete break. Without considering anything in your past or present, look only at the future and decide what do I want to do, what will make me happy, what would TM be if she was completely free to create a TM of my dreams.

You're not old, honey. Allow yourself to dream, and then live that dream. You don't get another chance ... this IS your life.

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/19/2006 12:55 pm:
It is so wonderful to see you Blue! I must apologize for not stopping in to visit you, I shall very soon I promise!

Yes, about life,(here's the thing) I know what I must do and I'm impatient trying to figure it out, but time is what's necessary for me to make a good and sound decision. So...I sit for a while and collect my thoughts.

You are right about the choices, I have well thought about making a big move, maybe even out of New Jersey. All will come to a head soon enough when I put my home on the market, it sells and off I go.

The dream is allot scarier then just the fantasy, It'll get done...all in good time!

HeardLankaMalls 56M
2925 posts
7/19/2006 6:13 am

Thanks TM, hope I do help in some small way
And back at you...

rm_tennismaiden replies on 7/19/2006 12:59 pm:
You certainly do!!!!

TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
7/22/2006 9:02 am

I'm sorry I have been away TM and have to catch here with you.
I'm sorry for the career things and physical things as well. We all go through these dark periods don't we?
I know you will find your are such a wonderful woman. I have a lot of the same anxieties...what am I going to do with my life? What is really my purpose other than being a mom? How can I balance work with being a single parent? Some days are more stressful than others.
My thoughts are with you my friend.

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