Caught between a Rock and a Hard Place  

rm_tennismaiden 61F
2103 posts
5/9/2006 6:54 am

Last Read:
5/11/2006 10:11 am

Caught between a Rock and a Hard Place

This type color is what I feel like this morning....shit. I've already crawled into a ball with Tucker on the couch and closed my eyes a bit.

It's not within my nature to squelch my self expression, and often it gets me in trouble for not doing so. I'm under a great deal of stress unbeknown-ced to many and writing is a release that keeps my mouth quiet when instead it wants to speak.

Some days I feel like a parochial school girl sitting on a stool with her back towards the classroom, ashamed, feeling the sting of having my hand slapped for being myself.

I don't speak for fear of being rejected yet crave the communication I need to hear to stay balanced and focused. I don't want to burden or impose, for fear of being shut out and dismissed.

I take a back seat knowing that other important issues take precedence over mine and try to do the right thing as best I can. Damn...being humble is a bitch, which is what I refuse to be...a "bitch".

"Fuck You" I'm not perfect! I'm not a circus performer and I don't like walking a tightrope. I'm weary of walking on egg shells and my feet are becoming cut and sore from doing so.

So I ask....what am I to do?

Maybe I'll get drunk and go into denial...everyone else seems to handle their issues that way. And no....this is a general conclusion not pointing a finger at anyone specific....I'm wanting to run away and hide from myself. Isn't that what we do when we hurt are stressed out and feel neglected?

I can't go back, and I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a realist dealing with her "stuff" in the method I was taught. I'm tired of hiding my shit and writing is what I do when my voice isn't speaking.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. So....what's my next move? Any suggestions?

HeardLankaMalls 56M
2925 posts
5/9/2006 8:21 am

I know the feeling TM (feeling a bit blue, frustrated, etc for various reasons myself).

It seems writing this was a way to express yourself, as you already stated. I know getting my thoughts and feeling in control to write something for others to read seems to bring issues to a head, and focus my mind on what the problem, or perceived problem, is. Not that there's a solution in the writing, but it is an outlet for your thoughts.

Re your stresses and issues that have you walking on egg shells, you might try writing things down and giving it to those you have not been expressive/communicating with in order to break the ice. Not a total "here's my problem" tome, but a "I have a problem, lets talk" start to things. Another possible point is to work through an intermediary (friend, counselor, etc) to get a discussion going; or just vent to someone else to get things off your chest, and clarify as to what is really bothering you, so you can discuss it with those you want/need to. Alcohol helps to loosen our inhibitions (and lips), but does have consequences also, as you stated.

Your fourth paragraph is strikingly familiar to my own feelings. We all need to be wanted in some way, and to validate our own feelings and emotions towards others. I think my own 'issues' in my life may be clouding my comment here, so I'll just close by saying, be true to yourself. What makes YOU happy is all that counts. We try to please others, as it validates our own existence to some extent, but we can't do all, and be all for everyone, and neglect our own psyche and happiness.

My two-and-a-half cents....

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 6:47 am:
"We try to please others, as it validates our own existence to some extent, but we can't do all, and be all for everyone, and neglect our own psyche and happiness".

This was a powerful statement Chris, and though I know it to be true my heart clouds my good judgment. I guess the point comes when you say "enough is enough", I can tolerate no more, and with that walk away...we'll see

Thank you for your generous and heartfelt kind words, they are truly appreciated each and every time you write them to me! {=}

Spiritswilling 64M

5/9/2006 8:31 am

Maiden, You are doing what you need to do, Vent! Not a thing wrong with it. If writing helps you deal with it, by all means write. It's hard for some of us, myself included, to express our frustrations orally at anyone or the person causing the pain. No, we arent perfect, who is? Anytime you need to vent, or if you need to talk to someone, there is surely someone in here that will listen. I will. I've been there still doing that. Spirit

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 6:50 am:
Venting is one thing exposing someone who wishes to remain anonymous is another. I must be careful and did not think before I wrote. A consequence I hadn't thought of until it was too late.

Thank goodness for "delete" buttons, they work really well!

Thank you for listening and offering your support.

spacecadet561 61M

5/9/2006 9:10 am

I find it hard to believe you're a real bitch with a smile like that. You may have some off days, but we all have those.

Getting drunk won't help. You'll probably just feel even shittier when you're done. Put on your favorite music and curl up with a good, light-hearted book; or watch a funny movie, and just relax. Let the kids microwave their own dinners, if they're old enough to do so, and have them heat up something for you while they're at it.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 6:53 am:
All wonderful suggestions Space, but when I'm hurting nothing seems to help except doing a fetal position and shutting my eyes. If I can sleep I'm relieved from the pain until I awake then I can begin anew with at least some peace under my belt form the nights sleep.

Thank you for visiting and offering your suggestions!

Nightguy_1961 56M
4866 posts
5/9/2006 9:17 am

Go ahead and get it out of your system. Take it from someone who used to crawl inside a bottle of Jack Daniel' doesn't work. When you sober up, the problem is still've just lost a day or two.

Don't ever feel like you can't express yourself in any way shape or form...this is a great place to do just that.

So vent away....people will listen...

[color dark blue}NG61...fading back into the shadows...

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 6:55 am:
I'll never stop writing here, after all it is my space and my blog and my refuge. I just need to be more selective about how I compose my thoughts. Sometimes they can offer more information then anyone needs to read or know....

mygmyg 60M

5/9/2006 10:31 am

TM, You are not a "bitch" when you express Yourself, You are being true to yourself, your strength, and your heart!!

We all carry these suppressed feelings, Your release at this point is revealing the feelings, to the source, or writing . try writing and then reading aloud to yourself, and then editing the writing to clarify, focus and truthfully express your feelings.
TM, you need not ever show it to anyone, and perhaps writing, reading and seeing Your feelings will temper how you express/release this heavy weight, that is on your mind and in your heart.

TM, You are your strength, it is inside YOU! summon it to the surface, it is part of Your Beauty, the glow, the energy in Your eyes!

XXXX and a HUG!!

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 7:01 am:
Geez MYG...I loathe the feeling of suppressed emotions, I get all jittery inside and want to vomit. But there are times when someone else's troubles are greater..... weighing the importance of unleashing your emotions becomes a tricky choice.

I was holding back but churning deep within....not good or healthy, tough choice to make but I finally let it go and feel a little better today.

You are a bright spot of sunshine on my blog and your hug is warmly received. Thank you! kisses back!

rm_coathanger1 49M
859 posts
5/9/2006 12:49 pm

TM, some things just need to be said. Writing may be therapeutic but only if the right person reeds and understands it.

I haven't read enough of your blog to know even the gist of whats going on but, You may just have to get this off your chest and just let the chips fall where they may. There is a time for therapy and theirs also a time for healing. Which one is it?

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 7:04 am:
Coat....I've had all the therapy I needed to know I must heal. I've been trying for many years. Each time a new individual enters I stress the importance of my healing, but days this falls on deaf ears.

Some day I shall meet someone who offers the compassion and love I seek. For it is only in that will I continue to heal my long past wounds of loving.

libgemOH 57M/53F

5/9/2006 5:20 pm

TM, above all, BE YOU!!! Without that, you have nothing!! This IS a been-there-done-that statement and from experience, denying you is the worst thing you can do and HURTS more than whatever else might happen! *BIG HUG* -B

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 7:31 am:
B you are correct and apparently being me "doesn't become me" as I've been told. We know the reasons why it's difficult to watch the person you care for become's because THEY are the source of the pain, they don't know how to comfort you or take responsibility for the hurt they cause. it's just "Tennismaiden" being "Tennismaiden" good bad or indifferent, I'm the whole package NOT bits and pieces customized for anyone!

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
5/9/2006 6:08 pm

Multiple choice answer:

1) Take a hot bath with a good book and a jug of juice. If you're going to hide from the world, might as well be comfortable and de-stress a little.
2) Get out and go for a walk, bike ride, whatever, somewhere quiet and pretty and enjoy nature and let the world go for awhile.
3) Blow up at the first asshole who crosses your path and get it all off your chest (best done with a strange asshole you don't have to deal with tomorrow).
4) Dress up pretty and go out dining and dancing and pretend you don't have a care in the world.
5) Confront it all head on like superwoman and bulldoze all the obstacles out of your path.
6) Come here and let us hug you.

These are not necessarily mutually exclusive.


rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 7:34 am:
Kelly, I really liked #3 Ha...I laughed out loud and needed that more than you know!!!!! #5 and #6 works great too for me!

Fabulous suggestions and very wise of you! Thank you SOOOO much!

(I'll gladly take the hug now) *smiles*

rm_anacortes 75M
2850 posts
5/9/2006 7:32 pm

Maybe I'll get drunk and go into denial...everyone else seems to handle their issues that way.

You might think the comment cute?.. do you feel it is accurate?

If not, why say it?

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 7:38 am:
Why say it? I live in an area where that behavior is common place. I'm uncommon for this area and wouldn't dream of drowning my troubles with an anesthetic...I deal...bottom line!

MyRealLoverOne 47M

5/9/2006 8:43 pm

hmmmmm.....I don't think drinking will help here...but I do have other meds that would be a better think you already know what the right answer for you is my dear.....Fear is a monster!!! If avoided we always find something unhealthy to help us deal with it......step up...step heard....take the risk of being rejected! It's the only way sweetie....anything else will leave you with anxiety and unhappiness..........just my know I love ya!

RL~ just keeping it Real

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 7:46 am:
I did what had to be done baby....I confronted and now the rest is as yet to be determined...but I'm not hopeful and I'm exhausted from working so hard at something that won't be easy.

I'm too old for working this hard at loving's just not worth the pain in the end.

I gave it my best shot...apparently that's not goes on!

SirluvsStorms 47M
684 posts
5/10/2006 12:43 am

I am glad you have moments when you dont allow yourself to talk and then you write, that way we can read what you are thinking YaY

rm_tennismaiden replies on 5/10/2006 7:48 am:
Why little stinker....have you become a "tennismaiden blog addict"?

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
5/10/2006 4:45 pm

I just know what works for me ...

roger_the_hound 58M

5/10/2006 7:48 pm

TennisMaiden, you wrote:
I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. So....what's my next move? Any suggestions?

It sounds like you're sandwiched between
Two guys in a threesome routine.
They're thrusting and pumping
And double "P" humping
With you as their twat and ass queen.

Ars longa, vita brevis.

SirluvsStorms 47M
684 posts
5/11/2006 1:14 am

Ok.. I admitt I am addicted to the blogs and yes I like peeking into yours cuz ummmmm (trying to think of a quick witted answer.. ) cuz cuz ummmm (darn it my brain gets fuzzy this late at night..) just cuz! LOL! Just know you are fun!

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